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phantismaFandom: Supernatural (Keeper!Verse)
Title: Hunter Becoming Hunted, Part 5 of ? (Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four)
Characters/Pairing: Sam/Dean, Dana, John
Word Count: 3012
Rating: R-ish, for remembered abuse, sexual situations
Summary: Dana discovers more about Sam than she bargained for as they tumble through his memory, and when they both come to, Dean is torn over who needs him more.
A/Ns & Warnings: Part of the Keeper!Verse, recollections of childhood rape and abuse, demon possession, and some wincest loving (though not graphic).
Dana and Sam careened through memories and blasted through walls in his mind until they hit something that stopped them both. Dana looked up from Sam’s eyes and saw her
Papa kneeling between two men. Sam?
She recognized the man in the robes approaching her Papa as Sam’s adoptive father, she could feel the evil possessing him.
Sam was pulling away, trying to turn them out of the memory. Dana could feel blood draining from Sam. The memory stuttered forward, and her father was there, cutting people and leaving them dead behind him.
Another fast forward and Dana was looking at a woman in white, blood seeping onto the floor. Is that… Her skin was a shade darker than Dana’s, her eyes cold and dead.
Your mother Sam’s presence was filled with an ache. We need…we need to go Dana. We can’t…you can’t see…
Dana wrapped herself around him and he tried to move them, tried to force them up and out…but she wasn’t done.
Is that me? she asked as a woman handed an infant the possessed man.
Yes…Your father had never seen you.
Dana could feel the magic, the compulsion that tied her father and Sam together. She let go of the memory and they spun away, landing in another that made Sam shudder and try to move them again. Dana, please…
She dug her heels in, looking down at her father from Sam’s eyes. There was magic between them, eating into her father, blood on Sam’s hands. Sam was panting with the exertion as he pulled himself up and off of Dean. “Got you now.” He fumbled for his pants and pulled out a cell phone. “He’s on his way to Boston now. I’ve done my part. Make sure you have your part done. This time John Winchester won’t be getting away.”
Sam managed to push them loose, trying to placate Dana, but she was angry now. You…what did you do?
Sam pushed, but she was stronger now. Dana…I was…different…you…saved me…you changed me.
Show me.
No. Dana please.
Her scream echoed through them both and Sam cowered away, following as she pulled them back further, landing them in the temple room. Sam was kneeling inside a figure drawn on the floor in chalk, whispering the words to an oath, his blood spilling into a pot. The air shimmered, a demon appearing. There was pain,…old pain she recognized from his wounds, the scars…then it was gone.
The room shifted, but didn’t disappear. Dana felt Sam’s body shake, felt the pain as claws scraped across his belly, dug into his shoulder…then…something else. She started as she realized, tried to pull them loose, but the pain held her she screamed with Sam into the marble floor, stared up at the knees of a Harrier who was dragged Sam’s head up by the hair. Sam.
Afraid, Dana blasted out around her to make them go away. Light flared through the memory, through Dana and Sam…and everything lay naked and open between them…in that split second she saw everything Sam was and had been and would be.
A second wave of light blasted the room and the air around the bed shimmered. Dana stirred, then jumped off Sam like she’d been burned. Sam sat up reaching for her, but she backed away, then turned and ran for the bathroom.
“Dana!” Sam’s voice was anguished and he came up off the bed before his knees buckled and he sat down on it hard.
“Sam?” Dean’s voice was still hoarse and he reached for Sam, but he pulled away.
“Jesus, Dean.” His arms wrapped around himself and he rocked. “She knows…she knows…”
“What, Sam? What does she know?”
Sam looked up at him, his face lost, his eyes filled with tears and anguish. “Everything…everything…she saw it all…she knows…”
Dean looked up at his father, then back at Sam. “I don’t understand.”
Sam shook, standing and taking a few steps toward the bathroom. “She…searched my memory…she saw….she…” He closed his eyes and changed his path for the door to the room. “She saw what I did to you….she watched her mother die…god Dean…”
“Okay, let’s calm down.” John said, reaching out to touch Sam’s shoulder. “She killed the demon, she saved you.”
“I can’t…I need air.” Sam opened the door and was gone before Dean could react.
“Want me to go after him?” John asked.
Dean shook his head. “Give him some space. Let’s deal with Dana.” He knocked on the door. “Dana honey, it’s Daddy.”
“I’m not coming out.” He could hear the tears in her voice.
“Sam’s gone, baby. He went for a walk.” He waited a minute, then tried the door. She hadn’t locked it. “Okay. I’m coming in.”
She looked up from where she sat on the floor in front of the toilet, her face pale and covered in tears, but there was an accusation in her eyes. “You never told me.”
Dean shook his head. “Told you what?”
“About Sam. You never told me he was…” She shook and turned away, leaning over the toilet as she threw up. When she was done, she turned back, rubbing a hand over her mouth. “He…was a…he was evil…he did awful things. He killed…people…He…”
Dean squatted in front of her, nodding. He rubbed away tears. “Yes, Dana he did…and he was. He once was a very different man than he is today.”
“You knew…you knew what he did…what he was.”
Again Dean nodded. “Yes.”
“How…how can you…you knew and yet you trusted him.”
“I don’t expect you to understand Dana. You’re too young.”
“You didn’t tell me.”
“There are a lot of things I don’t tell you Dana. Things you aren’t ready for. You didn’t need to know this…not yet.”
“He did things to you.” She looked up at him. “He had things done to him. I don’t even know what to think.”
“You hurt him. He’s tried so hard to protect you from all of that.”
“He was my age when…when that man…hurt him.” He could see the pain register in her face. “Like that.” She looked like she might be sick again, but took a few deep breaths. “I saw…the Harriers…the woman he hurt…you…” She closed her eyes. “I saw everything.”
“And now you have to adjust.” Dean said. He caressed her cheek. “You’re strong Dana. You can handle it.”
She shook her head. “I can’t see him right now.”
He sighed. “That’s probably best. He was a wreck when he left. I’m going to go find him, get us a second room. You can stay here with Papa tonight, if you think we’re done with hunters for a bit.”
She looked up suddenly, grabbing his arm before he stood. “That’s what I went in for, then we sorta got trapped. The demon. Sam didn’t know he knew. Andras made me realize Sam might. The one sending the hunters. Asmodai. That’s it’s name.”
Dean looked up at his father. “I’ll do some research. You go get Sam.” Dean kissed Dana’s head and stood.
“Can you feel him?”
Dana nodded miserably. “I almost wish…he’s not far…he’s too tired. I…put him through…a lot.”
Dean sighed and left his daughter to go looking for Sam. He paused at the office to get a room, then followed the only footprints in the snowy parking lot. He found him less than a mile away, sitting on a fallen tree covered in snow, huddled into his coat and shivering. Dean stopped in front of him and waited.
Sam shook his head. “No, Dean. Just…let me go. You don’t need me…she doesn’t…”
Dean stepped in close, pulling his left hand out of his pocket and looking at it briefly before he slipped it inside Sam’s coat and shirt, pressing it to the wound Dana had created. When the silver ring pressed against Sam’s skin, he shuddered. Dean waited until it had warmed, then turned Sam’s face with his other hand. “You promised me when you gave this to me that as long as I wear it, you’ll be here, with me.”
Sam’s eyes closed and he licked his lips. “This is different. She knows….she…” He shivered. “You don’t understand.” His eyes opened and sought out Dean’s. Dean had never seen Sam look so little and afraid.
He caressed Sam’s face, then kissed him softly. “Come on, I got us our own room. It’s too cold out here.”
The walk back to the motel was quiet. Dean had made sure their room was on the other side of the motel, as far away from Dana as they could get. Not that distance generally mattered. Sam was sullen and quiet, completely pliant as Dean lead him into the room and peeled off his coat. Dean pulled him into a kiss, but Sam didn’t respond. “Sam?”
Sam blinked and Dean could almost see him snapping back into himself. “She’s crying. I made her cry.”
“No, Sam. You didn’t.”
“She was inside me…and she made me remember…” He rubbed his shoulder and Dean’s eyes followed the hand. “She…god Dean…she was me.” Sam shook his head and hugged himself. “I tried to…push her away…but she…she’s so much stronger now….she…she saw it all…everything I’ve ever done…”
“Sam.” Dean guided him to the bed. “Shh…it’s okay.” He blocked out the idea that Dana had felt what had happened to Sam. It was enough to know that she knew…but to have actually been there, inside Sam…
Sam turned to him. “Everything Dean…she knows I…used you…and how. She knows I took babies away from their mothers…She knows…” He swallowed hard. The tears were spilling faster now, sobs breaking past his attempts to hold them in. “Everything I’ve tried to forget…things I blocked out…the rape, the blood…the hexes…the killing…”
Dean’s fingers brushed at the tears, not noticing his own as he bent to kiss Sam’s cheeks. “It’s going to be okay, baby. Dana’s a strong girl. She…she’ll understand.” He kissed Sam then, parting his lips with his tongue.
“I don’t.”
“What?”
“I don’t understand…” His breath stuttered around a sob. “I’m a fraud…I walk around in this life I haven’t earned and you pretend I belong…and now she knows I don’t….and I can’t figure it out…how this happened…how I let it happen…I wanted it…I wanted you, her…I was selfish and let it…but I’m not a good man…I’m not…and you both…deserve someone who is…someone who can protect you…not…not me…”
Dean’s stomach flopped and he put his arms around his brother’s shoulder, pulling him close. “I don’t want anyone else, Sammy. I want you. Good man or not.”
Sam only sobbed in response, clinging to Dean and burying his face in Dean’s shirt. Dean let his fingers stroke through Sam’s hair. In all their years together, Sam had never broken down like this. “Shh…Sammy…I’m here. I’ve got you.”
Sam took a deep breath and sat back. “I forgot just how bad I was…until I saw it through her eyes, Dean.” He stood up and moved away. “She was horrified…furious…and I couldn’t stop it…I should have been able to stop it…protect her…” He stared out the window at the falling snow. “I let myself get possessed…and she had to save me…”
Dean crossed to him, arms circling his waist, face pressing against his shoulder. “She’s only paying you back for all the times you saved her.” He pressed a kiss into the side of his neck. “Or are you forgetting that you made the choices that changed your life? That you saved all of us that day when you were supposed to die? Or that night in our old house. We wouldn’t have lived through it without you.”
“Without me, you’d never have been in that position to begin with.” Sam countered. He was calmer now, though Dean wasn’t sure he considered it an improvement. “I was wrong to think I could redeem myself…that loving you and Dana was enough.”
“Sam?”
Sam didn’t move, but Dean felt him distance himself. He squeezed tighter and shook his head against Sam’s back. “Don’t you dare pull away from me. You may not realize it right now, Sam, but I haven’t ever pretended with you. I love you to damn much to pull it off.” He pulled back and turned Sam around. “Maybe I’ve coddled you…held you too close…” He sighed. He held up the hand with the silver ring Sam had given him. “You told me what you were, the night you gave me this.” He met Sam’s eyes, tried to pour his love into his words and his eyes. “You told me and when I put it on my finger, I put it all away, swept the slate clean. I love you. Dana loves you.”
The tears were back in Sam’s eyes before he closed them. “She hates me.”
“Trust me in this. I saw her eyes. She has a lot to think about…but tell me this…has she broken the connection?”
Sam’s eyes opened and Dean could imagine him reaching out for her. He started a little then shook his head. “No.”
“She’s realizing that her Uncle hasn’t always been the person he is today. None of us have. Learning that is part of growing up.” Dean kissed him then, soft and chaste. “You’re exhausted. Come to bed. Let me make you feel better.”
Sam came with him, letting Dean push his shirt off onto the floor. Dean sat Sam on the bed and knelt in front of him to pull his boots off. “This is you, Sam…” Dean’s hand slid over his shoulders, up to his neck, his thumbs tracing his cheekbones. “This is the man I love. Nothing else matters.” He rose up on his knees and kissed over his cheekbones, over his closed eyes. “I want you Sam…I have always wanted you…even before the compulsion…from the moment I saw you.”
Dean took a breath. “Look at me Sam.” His eyes opened slowly. “I want you to…see me Sam…” At first he didn’t think Sam understood, then he blinked.
“Dean,” he breathed. “Are you sure?”
“You promised me you’d never do it without permission. I want you to see how much I want you…I want you to know…everything…we’ve hidden too much. See me.”
Sam nodded slowly. “Close your eyes and take a deep breath.”
Dean had the sensation of hands closing around him as he did as Sam said, then everything tilted and Sam was inside him, around him, everywhere at once. Dean reeled a little, but Sam’s large hand on his shoulder kept him from falling. After a long moment, Sam pulled back, but didn’t break away. Dean’s eyes opened, meeting Sam’s briefly before they melted into a kiss, lips and tongues falling together until Dean wasn’t sure who was who. Slowly they moved further up the bed, hands attempting to pull clothes from each other as Sam rolled them through memories and puddles of pure emotion.
Somewhere Dean managed to free himself from his jeans, and realize they’d spilled from his thoughts into Sam’s. He pulled away to look down at Sam, seeing himself in Sam’s eyes and feeling an overwhelming love in the space between them. Flesh pressed to flesh, pushing the nearly physical emotion into their skin as the melded together, Dean cradling Sam’s body to his, even as Sam cradled Dean’s soul to his own.
Title: Hunter Becoming Hunted, Part 5 of ? (Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four)
Characters/Pairing: Sam/Dean, Dana, John
Word Count: 3012
Rating: R-ish, for remembered abuse, sexual situations
Summary: Dana discovers more about Sam than she bargained for as they tumble through his memory, and when they both come to, Dean is torn over who needs him more.
A/Ns & Warnings: Part of the Keeper!Verse, recollections of childhood rape and abuse, demon possession, and some wincest loving (though not graphic).
Dana and Sam careened through memories and blasted through walls in his mind until they hit something that stopped them both. Dana looked up from Sam’s eyes and saw her
Papa kneeling between two men. Sam?
She recognized the man in the robes approaching her Papa as Sam’s adoptive father, she could feel the evil possessing him.
It was in front of him now, and almost casually drew the tip of the blade over his cheek, drawing a line of fire and blood. “You will, so that I can return it to them, with gratitude.”
“You aren’t leaving this warehouse alive.”
It laughed and turned away. “On the contrary, John. Tonight is a very special night. Tonight is the night I am reborn. Tonight is the night I am made flesh.”
It paced away over to Sam, playing with the blade. “Call him.”
Sam shook his head and it drew a line down his leg with the blade. “Call him and maybe I’ll let him take your place.”
Sam shivered, pulling against the iron that held him to the table. “Dean. Come for me.” His voice sounded small in the big space, lost under the chanting.
“Louder. I don’t think he heard you.”
“Dean! Come for me!” Sam yelled, turning his face away from John’s, away from the demon. “Fuck you.”
Sam was pulling away, trying to turn them out of the memory. Dana could feel blood draining from Sam. The memory stuttered forward, and her father was there, cutting people and leaving them dead behind him.
Two of them came at him, and both fell, cut nearly in half. “Want to keep dying, keep coming.”
“There you are. I do hope my son wasn’t too hard on you. He can be quite cruel.” He stood over Sam, the knife point playing over his chest.
Dean stopped a few paces behind his father. “He isn’t your son. And yes, he can be quite cruel.”
“Save me, Dean. You promised.”
Dean took a few stumbling steps forward before he found his control again. “Don’t worry Sammy, not a single Winchester is dying today.”
Another fast forward and Dana was looking at a woman in white, blood seeping onto the floor. Is that… Her skin was a shade darker than Dana’s, her eyes cold and dead.
Your mother Sam’s presence was filled with an ache. We need…we need to go Dana. We can’t…you can’t see…
Dana wrapped herself around him and he tried to move them, tried to force them up and out…but she wasn’t done.
The demon’s smile was cold as he leaned down to kiss Sam obscenely. “Yes, well…surprise, surprise…I lied. I’m a demon Sam. What did you expect? I’ve kept your powers suppressed, held you in check when your ‘better’ nature might have sent you off in search of something purer…I’ve fed you ever piece of information you have about yourself…all to get us here…so that you’re blood could help me return to the world.”
It squatted beside the table, his finger swirling in the gathering blood. “That’s good enough. Bring the child.”
Is that me? she asked as a woman handed an infant the possessed man.
Yes…Your father had never seen you.
The demon was chanting in Latin, his hand pouring blood over Dana’s head.
“Fuck. Sam, more!”
Sam pulled his head up and locked his eyes on Dean’s. “Free yourself and get over here now!”
Dean’s body shook even as the demon looked up, holding Dana aloft in front of him, letting the baptismal blood flow down over her tiny body. Dean’s hands came free first, reaching behind him for the gun. His feet hit the ground and he stumbled forward, his left arm closing around his daughter’s tiny body for the first time, his right jamming the colt up into the ribcage of the body the demon was possessing.
Dana could feel the magic, the compulsion that tied her father and Sam together. She let go of the memory and they spun away, landing in another that made Sam shudder and try to move them again. Dana, please…
She dug her heels in, looking down at her father from Sam’s eyes. There was magic between them, eating into her father, blood on Sam’s hands. Sam was panting with the exertion as he pulled himself up and off of Dean. “Got you now.” He fumbled for his pants and pulled out a cell phone. “He’s on his way to Boston now. I’ve done my part. Make sure you have your part done. This time John Winchester won’t be getting away.”
Sam managed to push them loose, trying to placate Dana, but she was angry now. You…what did you do?
Sam pushed, but she was stronger now. Dana…I was…different…you…saved me…you changed me.
Show me.
No. Dana please.
Her scream echoed through them both and Sam cowered away, following as she pulled them back further, landing them in the temple room. Sam was kneeling inside a figure drawn on the floor in chalk, whispering the words to an oath, his blood spilling into a pot. The air shimmered, a demon appearing. There was pain,…old pain she recognized from his wounds, the scars…then it was gone.
The room shifted, but didn’t disappear. Dana felt Sam’s body shake, felt the pain as claws scraped across his belly, dug into his shoulder…then…something else. She started as she realized, tried to pull them loose, but the pain held her she screamed with Sam into the marble floor, stared up at the knees of a Harrier who was dragged Sam’s head up by the hair. Sam.
Afraid, Dana blasted out around her to make them go away. Light flared through the memory, through Dana and Sam…and everything lay naked and open between them…in that split second she saw everything Sam was and had been and would be.
A second wave of light blasted the room and the air around the bed shimmered. Dana stirred, then jumped off Sam like she’d been burned. Sam sat up reaching for her, but she backed away, then turned and ran for the bathroom.
“Dana!” Sam’s voice was anguished and he came up off the bed before his knees buckled and he sat down on it hard.
“Sam?” Dean’s voice was still hoarse and he reached for Sam, but he pulled away.
“Jesus, Dean.” His arms wrapped around himself and he rocked. “She knows…she knows…”
“What, Sam? What does she know?”
Sam looked up at him, his face lost, his eyes filled with tears and anguish. “Everything…everything…she saw it all…she knows…”
Dean looked up at his father, then back at Sam. “I don’t understand.”
Sam shook, standing and taking a few steps toward the bathroom. “She…searched my memory…she saw….she…” He closed his eyes and changed his path for the door to the room. “She saw what I did to you….she watched her mother die…god Dean…”
“Okay, let’s calm down.” John said, reaching out to touch Sam’s shoulder. “She killed the demon, she saved you.”
“I can’t…I need air.” Sam opened the door and was gone before Dean could react.
“Want me to go after him?” John asked.
Dean shook his head. “Give him some space. Let’s deal with Dana.” He knocked on the door. “Dana honey, it’s Daddy.”
“I’m not coming out.” He could hear the tears in her voice.
“Sam’s gone, baby. He went for a walk.” He waited a minute, then tried the door. She hadn’t locked it. “Okay. I’m coming in.”
She looked up from where she sat on the floor in front of the toilet, her face pale and covered in tears, but there was an accusation in her eyes. “You never told me.”
Dean shook his head. “Told you what?”
“About Sam. You never told me he was…” She shook and turned away, leaning over the toilet as she threw up. When she was done, she turned back, rubbing a hand over her mouth. “He…was a…he was evil…he did awful things. He killed…people…He…”
Dean squatted in front of her, nodding. He rubbed away tears. “Yes, Dana he did…and he was. He once was a very different man than he is today.”
“You knew…you knew what he did…what he was.”
Again Dean nodded. “Yes.”
“How…how can you…you knew and yet you trusted him.”
“I don’t expect you to understand Dana. You’re too young.”
“You didn’t tell me.”
“There are a lot of things I don’t tell you Dana. Things you aren’t ready for. You didn’t need to know this…not yet.”
“He did things to you.” She looked up at him. “He had things done to him. I don’t even know what to think.”
“You hurt him. He’s tried so hard to protect you from all of that.”
“He was my age when…when that man…hurt him.” He could see the pain register in her face. “Like that.” She looked like she might be sick again, but took a few deep breaths. “I saw…the Harriers…the woman he hurt…you…” She closed her eyes. “I saw everything.”
“And now you have to adjust.” Dean said. He caressed her cheek. “You’re strong Dana. You can handle it.”
She shook her head. “I can’t see him right now.”
He sighed. “That’s probably best. He was a wreck when he left. I’m going to go find him, get us a second room. You can stay here with Papa tonight, if you think we’re done with hunters for a bit.”
She looked up suddenly, grabbing his arm before he stood. “That’s what I went in for, then we sorta got trapped. The demon. Sam didn’t know he knew. Andras made me realize Sam might. The one sending the hunters. Asmodai. That’s it’s name.”
Dean looked up at his father. “I’ll do some research. You go get Sam.” Dean kissed Dana’s head and stood.
“Can you feel him?”
Dana nodded miserably. “I almost wish…he’s not far…he’s too tired. I…put him through…a lot.”
Dean sighed and left his daughter to go looking for Sam. He paused at the office to get a room, then followed the only footprints in the snowy parking lot. He found him less than a mile away, sitting on a fallen tree covered in snow, huddled into his coat and shivering. Dean stopped in front of him and waited.
Sam shook his head. “No, Dean. Just…let me go. You don’t need me…she doesn’t…”
Dean stepped in close, pulling his left hand out of his pocket and looking at it briefly before he slipped it inside Sam’s coat and shirt, pressing it to the wound Dana had created. When the silver ring pressed against Sam’s skin, he shuddered. Dean waited until it had warmed, then turned Sam’s face with his other hand. “You promised me when you gave this to me that as long as I wear it, you’ll be here, with me.”
Sam’s eyes closed and he licked his lips. “This is different. She knows….she…” He shivered. “You don’t understand.” His eyes opened and sought out Dean’s. Dean had never seen Sam look so little and afraid.
He caressed Sam’s face, then kissed him softly. “Come on, I got us our own room. It’s too cold out here.”
The walk back to the motel was quiet. Dean had made sure their room was on the other side of the motel, as far away from Dana as they could get. Not that distance generally mattered. Sam was sullen and quiet, completely pliant as Dean lead him into the room and peeled off his coat. Dean pulled him into a kiss, but Sam didn’t respond. “Sam?”
Sam blinked and Dean could almost see him snapping back into himself. “She’s crying. I made her cry.”
“No, Sam. You didn’t.”
“She was inside me…and she made me remember…” He rubbed his shoulder and Dean’s eyes followed the hand. “She…god Dean…she was me.” Sam shook his head and hugged himself. “I tried to…push her away…but she…she’s so much stronger now….she…she saw it all…everything I’ve ever done…”
“Sam.” Dean guided him to the bed. “Shh…it’s okay.” He blocked out the idea that Dana had felt what had happened to Sam. It was enough to know that she knew…but to have actually been there, inside Sam…
Sam turned to him. “Everything Dean…she knows I…used you…and how. She knows I took babies away from their mothers…She knows…” He swallowed hard. The tears were spilling faster now, sobs breaking past his attempts to hold them in. “Everything I’ve tried to forget…things I blocked out…the rape, the blood…the hexes…the killing…”
Dean’s fingers brushed at the tears, not noticing his own as he bent to kiss Sam’s cheeks. “It’s going to be okay, baby. Dana’s a strong girl. She…she’ll understand.” He kissed Sam then, parting his lips with his tongue.
“I don’t.”
“What?”
“I don’t understand…” His breath stuttered around a sob. “I’m a fraud…I walk around in this life I haven’t earned and you pretend I belong…and now she knows I don’t….and I can’t figure it out…how this happened…how I let it happen…I wanted it…I wanted you, her…I was selfish and let it…but I’m not a good man…I’m not…and you both…deserve someone who is…someone who can protect you…not…not me…”
Dean’s stomach flopped and he put his arms around his brother’s shoulder, pulling him close. “I don’t want anyone else, Sammy. I want you. Good man or not.”
Sam only sobbed in response, clinging to Dean and burying his face in Dean’s shirt. Dean let his fingers stroke through Sam’s hair. In all their years together, Sam had never broken down like this. “Shh…Sammy…I’m here. I’ve got you.”
Sam took a deep breath and sat back. “I forgot just how bad I was…until I saw it through her eyes, Dean.” He stood up and moved away. “She was horrified…furious…and I couldn’t stop it…I should have been able to stop it…protect her…” He stared out the window at the falling snow. “I let myself get possessed…and she had to save me…”
Dean crossed to him, arms circling his waist, face pressing against his shoulder. “She’s only paying you back for all the times you saved her.” He pressed a kiss into the side of his neck. “Or are you forgetting that you made the choices that changed your life? That you saved all of us that day when you were supposed to die? Or that night in our old house. We wouldn’t have lived through it without you.”
“Without me, you’d never have been in that position to begin with.” Sam countered. He was calmer now, though Dean wasn’t sure he considered it an improvement. “I was wrong to think I could redeem myself…that loving you and Dana was enough.”
“Sam?”
Sam didn’t move, but Dean felt him distance himself. He squeezed tighter and shook his head against Sam’s back. “Don’t you dare pull away from me. You may not realize it right now, Sam, but I haven’t ever pretended with you. I love you to damn much to pull it off.” He pulled back and turned Sam around. “Maybe I’ve coddled you…held you too close…” He sighed. He held up the hand with the silver ring Sam had given him. “You told me what you were, the night you gave me this.” He met Sam’s eyes, tried to pour his love into his words and his eyes. “You told me and when I put it on my finger, I put it all away, swept the slate clean. I love you. Dana loves you.”
The tears were back in Sam’s eyes before he closed them. “She hates me.”
“Trust me in this. I saw her eyes. She has a lot to think about…but tell me this…has she broken the connection?”
Sam’s eyes opened and Dean could imagine him reaching out for her. He started a little then shook his head. “No.”
“She’s realizing that her Uncle hasn’t always been the person he is today. None of us have. Learning that is part of growing up.” Dean kissed him then, soft and chaste. “You’re exhausted. Come to bed. Let me make you feel better.”
Sam came with him, letting Dean push his shirt off onto the floor. Dean sat Sam on the bed and knelt in front of him to pull his boots off. “This is you, Sam…” Dean’s hand slid over his shoulders, up to his neck, his thumbs tracing his cheekbones. “This is the man I love. Nothing else matters.” He rose up on his knees and kissed over his cheekbones, over his closed eyes. “I want you Sam…I have always wanted you…even before the compulsion…from the moment I saw you.”
Dean took a breath. “Look at me Sam.” His eyes opened slowly. “I want you to…see me Sam…” At first he didn’t think Sam understood, then he blinked.
“Dean,” he breathed. “Are you sure?”
“You promised me you’d never do it without permission. I want you to see how much I want you…I want you to know…everything…we’ve hidden too much. See me.”
Sam nodded slowly. “Close your eyes and take a deep breath.”
Dean had the sensation of hands closing around him as he did as Sam said, then everything tilted and Sam was inside him, around him, everywhere at once. Dean reeled a little, but Sam’s large hand on his shoulder kept him from falling. After a long moment, Sam pulled back, but didn’t break away. Dean’s eyes opened, meeting Sam’s briefly before they melted into a kiss, lips and tongues falling together until Dean wasn’t sure who was who. Slowly they moved further up the bed, hands attempting to pull clothes from each other as Sam rolled them through memories and puddles of pure emotion.
Somewhere Dean managed to free himself from his jeans, and realize they’d spilled from his thoughts into Sam’s. He pulled away to look down at Sam, seeing himself in Sam’s eyes and feeling an overwhelming love in the space between them. Flesh pressed to flesh, pushing the nearly physical emotion into their skin as the melded together, Dean cradling Sam’s body to his, even as Sam cradled Dean’s soul to his own.
