The First and the Last, Stargate SG1, R
Jun. 26th, 2014 01:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
phantismaFandom: Stargate SG1
Title: The First and the Last
Characters/Pairings: Daniel Jackson, Jack O'Neill, Sam Carter, Janet Frasier, OMC, impled Daniel/OMC
Word Count: 8370
Rating: R (see warnings)
Summary: When Daniel calls Jack one night, drunk and sounding depressed, Jack discovers something about his friend that he had never known and that leads to a confrontation no one expected.
A/Ns & Wanrings: This fic involves remembered childhood sexual abuse. It also involves violence. There is no graphic sex or graphic violence. There is no actual underage sex in this.
Jack stepped into the bar and pulled off his shades, giving his eyes a minute to adjust to the dark interior. He looked down the length of the bar and found him, near the far corner, his head down over a half full glass of beer.
He pocketed his sunglasses with a sigh. Daniel had called nearly forty minutes before, clearly drunk, his words slurring together, his voice thick with some emotion Jack wasn't sure was grief, but certainly wasn't joy. He eased past two men taking seats at the bar and sat on the stool next to Daniel's. "Hey."
Daniel inhaled deeply and lifted his head with a lurching sort of motion. His eyes were rimmed in red and bloodshot, and his sloppy grin told Jack just about all that he needed to know about how far Daniel had crawled into that glass of beer. "J-j-jaaaaack."
He couldn't help but grin as Daniel's hand tried, and mostly failed to cup to his face. "Been here a while, have you?" Jack asked, nodding to the bartender to bring him a beer.
"I wanted a drink." Daniel said, lifting his glass.
"More than one, I see." Jack thanked the bartender and took a sip off the beer set in front of him. "What are we drinking too?"
Daniel frowned and drank more of his beer and pointedly didn't answer. "I'm sorry."
"No, you're drunk."
"Am not." Daniel said petulantly, frowning into his glass. "Jus' had a few beers."
Jack looked up at the bartender. "How many is a few?"
Daniel held up one hand and sort of indicated three, while the bartender held up both hands telling Jack it was more like six. "Maybe you should finish that one and I'll take you home."
"No. I didn't wanna go home. Wanna beer."
"Okay." Jack sipped at his beer and stared at Daniel, trying to figure out what this was all about. It had been a few weeks since his old professor had died and his old girlfriend had disappeared with a snake in her head, but Daniel had been fine. Or Daniel's regular approximation of fine. Maybe a little more uptight than usual, but nothing that indicated he was going to find himself some dive bar and drink himself under the table. "What's going on in that head of yours Danny boy?" Jack asked, earning that goofy smile again.
"Only you can do that, Jack." Daniel slurred at him. "Not even Sha're called me Danny."
"Iis that what this is about? Sha're?"
Daniel pouted for a minute, staring at the bar before heaving a heavy sigh. "I fucked that all up, didn't I? She was supposed to be the one that made it all okay, my chance to get it all right and she just…she's just gone. Just gone. And it's my fault. It's always my fault."
"Daniel, Sha're's death wasn't your fault."
"You don't know." Daniel said, shaking his head. "I tried so hard, Jack. I wanted to get it right."
"She loved you, you know that, right?"
Daniel snorted and looked at him through bloodshot eyes. "What would you know about it? You don't know." He poked Jack in the chest. "But I tried so hard and still, I fucked it up. Worse than before…I mean, she died Jack…and she got taken…and she had that evil thing up inside her…" He spilled beer down his shirt as he tried to drink it, swallowing around a sob before putting his glass back on the bar.
He rubbed at one eye as Jack moved his glass away. "I always mess it up. Why, Jack? Why do I always fuck it up?"
Jack sighed and shook his head. "I'm sure you don't, Daniel. I'm sure it's the beer talking."
Daniel shook his head, turning to Jack and taking his left hand, pulling it up to Daniel's chest. "Sha're, Sarah, Tom, Brian…Nick, he sent me away…sent me to that school. He knew what I was. Mom and Dad….I couldn't save them. Couldn't save Sarah, Sha're…they all went away, they all found out I was broken and they all hate me now." Daniel let go of his hand, sniffling. "Someday you'll know too."
Jack had known on some level that Daniel wasn't exactly straight, but he'd never admitted to a relationship with men before this moment. He could tell this was only going to go to darker places at this point if he didn't get Daniel on more upbeat footing. "I'm sure they don't hate you. You said yourself that Sarah forgave you."
Daniel chuckled darkly. "No, she just…she forgot how I was and she was grieving. That's all."
"Come on, you had a good relationship with her before your work got in the way."
Daniel let go of his hand, fumbling for the beer again. "Really? Is that what you think, Jack. Think about it again. Think about her. I didn't ever deserve her…I hid in my work, I chose to…she was a beautiful, intelligent woman and she wanted to be with me and I fucking hid behind artifacts and translations until she gave up trying."
"Okay, then, Danny...why?"
"Why? Why? Because, all I was ever going to do was break her heart, Jack. I couldn't be...I never..." He shook his head and looked away, wiping at the tears spilling from his eyes. "I'm not good enough. Never have been."
Jack rubbed a hand over Daniel's shoulder. "I don't believe that. You're a good man, Daniel."
Daniel snorted and lifted his glass, draining the last of the beer in it. "You don't even know."
There it was, his opening. Jack leaned in, catching Daniel's eyes and holding them with his own. "So, tell me."
"You don't want to know, Jack." Daniel said, lifting his glass at the bartender.
Jack took the glass from him and set it aside, waving the bartender off. "I think you've had enough."
"Fuck you."
"I think maybe I should take you home."
"What are you, my father?"
Jack sighed. "Daniel, you're drunk. Let me take you home." It was easy to see this wasn't going to go anywhere now, and any more to drink would just have Daniel puking his guts out. Jack threw some money on the bar and stood, turning Daniel with a hand under his elbow.
"Maybe you want to be my Daddy, that it Jack?" Daniel asked as Jack helped him off the stool, stumbling against Jack.
The way he said Daddy made Jack pretty sure he didn't mean a father figure exactly. "No, Daniel. I'm your friend."
"I'll find a way to fuck that up too. I always do."
"Yeah, okay. But until then, I'm going to keep being your friend." He got them as far as his truck before Daniel pulled away.
"No." He stumbled down the side of the truck away from the door. "No. I mean it."
"No to what, Daniel?" Jack asked with a sigh. "I just want to take you home. You need to sober up."
Daniel rubbed his face and looked around them, then slowly at Jack. "Jack?"
"Yeah, Danny. Come on, let's get you home." He held the door as Daniel climbed into the truck before circling around and getting in behind the wheel.
"I'm sorry." Daniel said as they pulled out of the parking lot.
"There's nothing to be sorry for, Daniel." Jack said, turning them toward Daniel's place before thinking better of it and turning toward his own. Daniel was drunk enough that Jack didn't want to leave him alone. "Why don't you tell me why you ended up drunk at a bar alone?"
Daniel pouted at him, lower lip sticking out. "Always alone." He shook his head. "Just like he told me I would be."
"He who?" Jack prodded. He wasn't really prying, but he needed to keep Daniel talking, keep him from passing out because there was no way that Jack was carrying him into the house.
"Tom. He told me I'd never have anything, never keep anyone. Too needy, too eager to please, too soft."
"Tom sounds like an ass." Jack said, steering around the corner.
"He was my friend." Daniel insisted. "Knew me better than anyone. My first."
"First what?" Jack glanced aside to see Daniel drooping in his seat. He reached across the seat to shake him. "Hey, Daniel, come on. Stay with me. Tom was your first, what?"
Daniel groaned, and pulled away from him. "He loved me first." He frowned. "I'm drunk."
"Yes, you are." Jack agreed, stopping as the light turned red. "Who was this Tom guy?"
"He loved me, until he couldn't love me anymore. Left me, went away. I was too broken, not good enough. He knew, he saw…but he tried, for years he tried."
"Yeah?" Jack knew he probably shouldn't pry, but he was getting a serious feeling that there was something pretty important driving this behavior, something that Daniel had kept hidden for far too long. "What did he try?"
Daniel licked his lips, turning his wet face toward Jack. "Are you crying?"
He sniffled and wiped at his face. "I was so alone, and he was so nice to me. Let me hide in his office when the boys were picking on me. Let me study there. We were…he loved me."
"Yeah, you keep saying that." Jack muttered, but he was getting a very different picture of this Tom guy. "Hey, look. My place." He pulled into the driveway and got out of the truck, circling around to Daniel's side to help him out. Daniel was wobbly and leaning as Jack got them up the sidewalk. "Come on, let's get you inside."
Daniel wasn't looking very good as Jack helped him inside and it was a look Jack knew well. He kicked the door shut as he helped Daniel to the bathroom, barely getting him to the toilet before he was throwing up.
Jack left Daniel on the bathroom floor and went to get a glass for water. By the time he got back, Daniel was nearly passed out. "Okay, let's get you up." He put the glass on the counter and moved to help Daniel back onto his feet. He guided Daniel out of the bathroom and into the guest room, peeling his jacket off and unzipping his jeans before letting Daniel sink onto the bed.
He went back to the bathroom then, filling the glass and pulling down the bottle of aspirin. Daniel hadn't moved when he returned, staring dully at the floor as Jack got two pills out of the bottle and held his hand out. "Here, take these, drink the water."
Daniel didn't say anything, just took the pills, fumbling a little getting them into his mouth. He spilled some of the water on his shirt, but drank most of it before giving the glass back to Jack, who set it on the nightstand, along with the bottle of aspirin. "All right, let's get you into bed."
It took some maneuvering, particular as Daniel was swiftly becoming less and less coherent, but eventually Jack got his shoes and jeans off of him and had him tucked into bed. He refilled the water glass, knowing Daniel was going to need it, before turning off the light and shutting the bedroom door.
Jack sighed and pulled a hand down his face, moving to lock the front door and heading into the kitchen. He pulled a bottle of whiskey out of the cupboard and a glass, pouring out a little more than a shot and tossing it back.
In all the time he'd known Daniel, he had never seen the man drunk. A little buzzed maybe, but not like this. Something was clearly wrong. And judging just by what Daniel had said, the something was very wrong, and it went back a long, long ways.
It wasn't the first time Jack had gotten an inkling that Daniel's past was murky. He'd known about the death of Daniel's parents when he was just a boy, and of course, he knew about Nicholas Ballard, Daniel's archaeologist grandfather who had sent Daniel to boarding school shortly after the accident that had killed them.
On some level, he'd always known that Daniel must have felt abandoned, but he seemed to handle things particularly well, and Jack had just assumed that Daniel had found ways to adjust. Now, he wasn't so sure.
To be fair, the last year had seen a lot of recurring trauma…finding Sha're on Abydos, ready to give birth to a son that wasn't her husband's, losing her again to the Goa'uld inside her, then losing her altogether when Teal'c killed her to save Daniel's life, the whole thing with Ballard choosing to stay with the aliens and more recently the loss of his college professor and his college girlfriend to the Goa'uld.
Jack snorted and poured a little more whiskey. It was a wonder Daniel hadn't imploded before this. He downed the alcohol, then put the bottle away. Getting drunk himself wasn't the answer. In fact, he wasn't sure what was.
He was vaguely aware that his head was three sizes larger than it should be, stuffed with cotton and pounding. It was far too bright, even with his eyes still closed, and he wanted to pull the blanket up over his head and sleep for another few hours.
Except. He froze as he realized that something wasn't right. He wasn't in his own bed. His hand shot out, feeling the emptiness beside him, trying to remember where he'd been, why he was so hungover. He remembered getting home from work, feeling sad, looking at pictures of Sarah, which led to pictures of Brian…and the yearbooks.
He'd ended up at the dive bar, that much he remembered, because he didn't have anything in the house to hide the pain in. His head however was telling him that he didn't hide from it as much as he did trade it for a different kind.
He'd started with shots of tequila, because it had reminded him of Tom, but a few of those and he knew he would get in trouble fast, so he'd switched to beer.
Daniel opened one eye and regretted it instantly, the light coming in from the nearby window all but deadly to his hungover head. It was enough to confirm that he wasn't in his own bed, and that it was probably Jack's place. He groaned and covered his face. He had only the vaguest memory of calling Jack, but he had blurry memories of talking to Jack, of being in Jack's truck.
He would never live it down, that much he was sure of. He opened his eyes slowly, wincing at the pain lancing through his head from the light. On the nightstand was a glass of water and some aspirin. His jeans and jacket were on the chair under the window. He sat up slowly, rubbing over his face, then holding his head so it wouldn't implode.
Daniel fumbled a little as he reached for the aspirin, nearly dropping the bottle before he got it open and dumped two into his hand. He tossed them back and chased them with the water, downing most of the glass before he came up for air.
Part of him wanted to just curl up and go back to sleep, but that wasn't going to do him any good. Maybe, if it was early enough he could just slip out, call a cab. He could go home, shower, sleep…put his past firmly in the past again before he had to face Jack.
Daniel eased himself to his feet and crossed to the chair, pulling his jeans on, and bending to find his shoes beside the chair. A few minutes later he pulled a hand through his hair, grabbed his jacket and slipped into the hallway, heading for the front door.
He knew it wasn't going to be that easy before he even reached the archway into the kitchen. He could smell coffee and eggs. "Good morning, sunshine." Jack said in a tone that was far, far too chipper.
Daniel raised a hand and turned to find Jack sitting at the kitchen table, the plate in front of him empty but for the streaky remnants of egg yolk. "I, uh…thanks for…but I'm gonna just…I'm gonna go."
Jack shook his head and stood. "No, you're not. Go sit down. I'll get you some more water."
"Jack, really, I should--"
Jack met his eyes and Daniel could tell he was serious. He swallowed, trying to remember what he might have said or done while he was drunk. "Okay." He went to the table, sitting and rubbing at his forehead. "I…I don't really remember much from last night," he admitted as Jack set a glass of water in front of him and sat across with a cup of coffee.
"You were pretty drunk." Jack said, looking down at his coffee cup. "And pretty down. Talking about how all of your relationships falling apart was your fault."
"Yeah…I um…" Daniel wasn't sure exactly what to say, largely because he had no idea what he might have said while he was drunk, how far he might have gone.
"Daniel." Jack's tone had none of it usual playfulness and Daniel hid behind drinking his water, wondering how much trouble he was actually in here, if he hadn't just fucked another friendship with his stupid mouth. "You know I don't care about…" Jack sort of gestured with his hands and his mouth tightened. "I mean to say that it doesn't matter to me whether you're into guys or girls or both."
"Oh god, what did I say?" Daniel asked squeezing his eyes shut. "Please tell me I didn't hit on you Jack."
"What? No. Of course not."
"Okay. Okay. That's good. I…was very drunk." Daniel shook his head.
"You only had six beers." Jack countered and Daniel rolled his eyes.
"And a couple of shots of tequila before that. But that…it doesn't matter. You can't….nothing I said…"
Jack's eyes were burning into him and Daniel couldn't meet them. "Tell me about Tom." Jack said calmly.
"What?" Daniel shook his head. He couldn't do that. His heart thundered in his chest, almost drowning out the noise in his head. "No. He's…he's none of your business." He put the water down and stood. "I should go."
Jack sipped at his coffee and looked up at him. "If that's what you really want, I'll take you back to your place.”
Of course he hadn't driven. His face burned and he turned away. He'd been so drunk he didn't remember Jack bringing him here, so of course he couldn't just leave. Jack stood, his hand on Daniel's elbow. "I just want to help, Daniel."
"I'm fine." Daniel responded automatically.
Jack nodded, but Daniel could feel his disbelief. "Okay, I'm not going to push. But I want you to consider that maybe you should…talk to someone, you know? This last year has been a lot…for anyone."
"What? Like a shrink?" Daniel asked, pulling away a little.
Jack shrugged. "Someone, Daniel. Obviously, something was bothering you yesterday. Enough for you to go out and get drunk. When you called me you were sounding pretty depressed."
"Please, just take me home." Daniel said softly, just wanting this whole thing to be over. "I promise that come Monday, I'll be fine." He wasn't sure Jack believed him, but it was enough to move him toward the door.
Obviously, he'd said enough the night before to concern Jack. As he pulled the door shut and Jack started the engine, Daniel licked his lips. If he could get Jack to tell him, it might be easier to smooth over. "Um, so…what exactly did I say about Tom last night?"
Jack glanced at him, then put the truck in gear and backed out of the driveway. "Enough for me to get the impression that he wasn't very good to you."
Daniel frowned. "No, he was…he was good. He loved me." He shook his head. It had been good, until Daniel couldn't give him everything he needed. "He was…"
"You said he let you hide in his office, that tells me he wasn't a student." Jack said, his voice dark.
"I did? He…he was…" Daniel knew that Jack would see through a lie at this point, but he wouldn't understand the truth either. "Tom was my counsellor," he said after a hesitation. "And it isn't like what you're thinking."
"No?" Jack asked, his hands tightening on the steering wheel. "What I'm thinking is that you're telling me a grown man took advantage of a lonely, grieving child."
Daniel looked away, holding his roiling stomach. "It wasn't like that."
"No? Tell me what it was like then."
"It wasn't…he didn't." Daniel inhaled deeply and let it out slowly. "This is why I never tell anyone. No one understands."
Jack's voice had changed when he responded. "Do you?" It was soft, worried.
"He never…he never forced me to do anything." Daniel said. "He loved me."
Jack pulled the truck over and put it in park, turning to look at him. "How old were you, Daniel?"
"What?"
"When you met him, how old were you?"
"He started at the school when I was nine." Daniel said, rolling his eyes as he realized what Jack was implying. "But…it's not like he just…started molesting me or anything. It wasn't like that. He never…he was nice to me. I liked him a lot."
"Daniel, are you even listening to what you're saying?" Jack asked.
"Are you? We didn't…I kissed him the first time." Daniel frowned, wishing his head wasn't so loud or that the sun wasn't making his eyes hurt, and that they weren't having this conversation. "I was older then. He helped me get through some of my issues."
"It sounds to me more like he used your issues to manipulate you."
Daniel rubbed at his forehead. "I know what it sounds like." The last person who had discovered the truth about the relationship with Tom didn't understand either.
"How long before things got…physical?" Jack asked, his hand on the seat near Daniel's thigh.
"I said I was older." Daniel insisted, trying to find a way to end this conversation.
"How much?"
"Jack. Can we just…not do this right now?"
"Obviously, you know it was wrong. If there was nothing to hide, you'd just tell me."
"Fine, if it will end this conversation, I kissed him when I was twelve. Okay?"
"And the rest?" Jack asked, his voice gentle.
Daniel closed his eyes and he could almost slip back into the memory…the nightmare that brought him to the door of Tom's room, the sleepy smile, the gentle hands, the feeling of safety as Tom pulled him close, the taste of him as they kissed, the heat of his body behind Daniel in the bed…
"Daniel."
"Not…not longer after." He licked his lips and looked down at his hands so he wouldn't have to see Jack's face. "I woke up after a nightmare. Tom talked me down from it, let me sleep in his bed." But not before their kissing went past kissing, not before his hands had slipped into Daniel's pajama pants, not before Daniel had experienced his first orgasm…not before Tom had had his own orgasm.
"Daniel."
"No, Jack. Don't." He pulled away from Jack's hand. "Just, take me home."
For a long minute, Daniel wasn't sure Jack would, but the truck started moving again and Daniel could almost breathe. Neither of them spoke again until Jack was parked in front of his place. "Just one more question, Daniel, and I'll let it drop. When did it end?"
Daniel closed his eyes, remembering the exact moment. He had discovered Tom with another boy, another orphan…and Tom had told him that it wasn't enough, that Daniel couldn't be what Tom needed, that Daniel wasn't good enough, wasn't strong enough…too needy, to broken… He cleared his throat. "I was sixteen. I wasn't…he needed more than I could…" Tears burned at the corner of his eyes and he reached for the door handle.
"No, Daniel…you just weren't young enough anymore." Jack said, leaning across the seat as Daniel stepped out of the truck. "Just….think about that."
He shut the door of the truck and headed up the walkway without looking back. He unlocked the door and slipped inside, locking it behind himself and leaning against it. He was exhausted, and trembling. He needed more water and more sleep to counter the affects of the drinking.
And with any luck, Jack would let the past be in the past and everything would go back to normal again.
Jack knew he should probably let it go, but Daniel had just told him that he had been sexually abused by a man who was in a position to prey on vulnerable kids, and he knew Daniel had never reported it, and if the bastard was as good at it as he seemed to be, just judging from Daniel's excuses, the chances were very good that no one else had either.
Sure, it had been a long time since Daniel was that kid, but Jack couldn't let it go.
He drove past his house and headed for the base. He wasn't sure what he could do to find this guy, having only a first name to go on, but he could start with Daniel's personnel file and the school. He parked at the base and headed down to the office he pretended not to know he had. He seldom had need of it, but this was one time he could use the privacy, and the files he would need.
It took him about an hour to find the file, buried in his filing cabinet, and dig through it for the name of the school Daniel had attended as a child. At that point he wasn't sure where to go next. He bit his lip as he scribbled the school's name, address and phone number on a piece of paper.
It was Saturday, and the chances that there would be anyone at the school were small. He flipped the file open again, paging through it slowly. The air force had been very thorough in its background check. There were letters in the back, references provided to the colleges Daniel applied to, along with his own essay and paperwork for scholarships. He paused on a page with the school's stationary.
It was signed "T. R. Davison, Counsellor". The letter was a glowing recommendation, selling Daniel as a dedicated student, devoted to his education and deeply caring for others. Somehow that irked Jack. He added the name to his paper and put the file away. He had a name and a place to start.
It had been a week, and for the first few days of that week, Jack hadn't even come into work. When he did, he acted as though nothing had changed. Daniel was relieved. He left the base for home a little earlier than usual on Friday, tucking some translations he needed to work on into his bag.
"Hey, there you are." Jack said as Daniel pressed the button on the elevator.
"Yeah, just heading out. You need me for something?"
Jack shook his head. "Not so much need, but I'm having a barbeque at the house tomorrow. Sam's coming over, why don't you join us?"
Daniel nodded. "Yeah, okay. That sounds good. Want me to bring something?"
"Beer is always good." Jack said with a grin, his eyes catching on Daniel's. It made him a little uncomfortable and he looked away.
"Okay, what time?"
"Two?"
"I'll be there." Daniel stepped onto the elevator. It had been a while since Jack had asked him over, but he seemed genuine. Daniel shook his head. He needed to stop reading so much into everything. Clearly his behavior the week before was behind them and hadn't permanently damaged anything.
He let himself out of the base and got into his car, heading for home. It was difficult to believe Jack was going to let it go after Daniel had told him about Tom, but he was grateful for it. He was determined that from this point he would be what he needed to be, and never give anyone a reason to walk away again.
Once home, Daniel put his bag by his desk and pulled his jacket off, tossing it on the back of his chair. His place was quiet and he let himself relax.
Several hours later, he'd eaten dinner and was at the desk studying the material he needed to translate when his doorbell rang. Frowning a little, Daniel padded on bare feet to the door. He opened it to find a man with greying hair and a quick, familiar smile.
"Daniel Jackson, you are a hard man to find."
Daniel squinted at him. "Do I….Tom?"
He grinned and held out his hands for a hug. Daniel let himself be pulled into the hug, shocked beyond the ability to articulate. Then Tom was letting go of him and moving into the house. Daniel followed, stumbling a little in his confusion.
"This is not what I was expecting." Tom said, turning in the center of the living room to look at Daniel. "You'd never even know how hard it was for you, looking at all of this."
"Tom, I…what are you doing here?"
"Funny thing, Daniel, apparently some Air Force Colonel came around snooping into my past and telling my school stories about there being a possibility of inappropriate relations with my students."
Daniel closed his eyes and exhaled. "Jack." So he hadn't let it go after all.
"So you do know what this is about."
Daniel shook his head. "No, I didn't know. He…" Daniel sighed. "He didn't understand."
"Understand what?" Tom asked, moving closer, his eyes fiery, his hands in fists at his side. "What did you tell him, Daniel?"
"Nothing. Just…I was drunk, okay?"
"What did you tell him? More of your fantasies? Your pathetic little transference episodes when you convinced yourself that I loved you?"
"What?" Daniel took a step back, frowning at him. "You did love me. You told me so."
"As if anyone could love the sniveling, spineless baby you were when you were assigned to me. You made it all up."
"No, I didn't." Daniel said.
Tom's smile was frightening. "You're going to tell your friend that you were confused, that it's all a blur and that you made it all up."
His mind raced back, through memories of their time together, trying to see where or how he might have read it wrong, made it something it wasn't. "No. You touched me, you came into my room."
"Mine was across the hall, I could hear you screaming because you were terrified of your dreams. You were infantile, crying out for your mommy and your daddy. If I hadn't come in there to shut you up, you would have woken the entire dorm."
Daniel shook his head. "No."
"Let me help you remember." He didn't see the fist coming, but felt it slam into his jaw, sending him sprawling to the floor. Daniel scrambled back, but Tom kept coming, his larger body still fast, still strong, only now it didn't make him feel safe. Tom dragged him back up to his feet and shoved him, his body slamming into a book case and down amid a landslide of books.
"I'm going to teach you the lesson I should have taught you all those years ago, Daniel. When I’m done, you won't be telling any stories about those twisted up fantasies in your head."
Jack had been annoyed when two o'clock became three. Carter had tried calling Daniel, but there was no answer. They made small talk with intermittent calls to Daniel's number until it was nearly four. That was when Jack had gone from annoyed to worried.
He had tried to talk Carter out of coming with him, but she was worried too. He stopped the truck in front of Daniel's house and let his eyes sweep over it. Daniel's car was in the driveway. He didn't see any lights on. He exhaled and got out of the truck.
Something wasn't right. Sure, Daniel was clearly fucked up in the head, but he was usually pretty good about calling if he was going to be late, or if something came up. It wasn't like him at all to just not show up. Well, not unless they were off world and there were ruins of any kind.
Jack froze on the walkway when he realized that the front door was partially open, holding up one hand to stop Carter. He inched forward, easing up the steps, wishing he had a sidearm on him. The porch creaked and he froze, listening for any sign that there was someone inside. He leaned in, peering through the door, his eyes sweeping around the area he could see.
Slowly, he pushed the door open a little more, stepping lightly. Carter was behind him, her step lighter still. There had been some struggle, furniture shoved out of place, tables knocked over, books strewn all over.
"Sir?"
Jack shook his head at her, not sure himself what had happened. Whatever it was, it was over, the house quiet. "Daniel?" Jack moved out of the entryway, turning on the overhead light. The living room was trashed, the television screen broken, one of the bookshelves nearly empty, shelves busted. The coffee table was a pile of wood and glass. He was aware of Carter moving around him, but the roar of white noise in his drowned out everything else. This was his fault. Somehow he just knew it was. "Daniel?" He raised his voice a little, his eyes seeking out the places Daniel might be laying in the mess.
"Sir?" He turned to Carter who was squatting beside what was left of the coffee table, looking at a dark smear on the glass. "Blood."
He nodded and gestured with his chin toward the bedroom. She nodded and stood, letting him take point. "Daniel? It's Jack," he called as he neared the door to the bedroom. There was less destruction here, though the mattress sat funny on the box spring and there was clothing on the floor. "Daniel, I'm coming in."
It wasn't until he was in the room that he heard it, a whimper and the sound of water. He gestured for Carter to wait and moved along the wall to the bathroom door. "Daniel?" He pushed the door open and reached for the shower curtain. "Fuck."
Daniel was huddled under the barely running stream of water, shivering, covered in bruises. Jack turned the water off before leaning back toward the door. "Carter, find me a blanket."
"Is he okay?"
Jack sort of shrugged. "I don't know yet, but we need to get him warmed up."
She nodded and turned away. Jack went back to Daniel. "Daniel, can you hear me?"
"Sir?"
Jack turned and took the blanket Carter handed him, shaking it out as he tried to figure out the best way to get Daniel up out of the tub. He couldn't actually see a place to touch that wouldn't hurt so eventually, he draped the blanket around Daniel and bent at the knees, wrapping his arms around him. Daniel stiffened, but otherwise didn't react.
That made it hard to lift him and Jack's back and knee protested, but he got Daniel clear of the tub and put his feet on the ground, at least until he realized that his left shin bone was protruding from his skin. "Shit. Carter, I need your help."
She was there in an instant, on Daniel's other side and together they got him turned and sitting on the toilet. He was shaking, the noise coming from his throat like some cross between grief and pain and terror. Carter dropped to one knee, her hands gliding gently over Daniel's legs, her breath catching. There were deep black bruises on his thighs.
Daniel whimpered, his hands pulled in away from her. "I can't get a good look at him like this." Carter said. "But, it's not good."
Jack nodded. "I know. Go on, I'll stay with him, you get some help."
"I'll call Janet." She slipped out of the bathroom and Jack took her place, kneeling in front of Daniel.
He rubbed his hands over the blanket, up Daniel's arms to his shoulders and down again. "It's going to be okay, Daniel. We're here."
It was a few minutes before Daniel gave any indication that he understood, that he knew Jack was even there, blinking and taking a deep, shuddering breath before letting it out again. "J-j-jack?"
"Yeah, Danny, it's me."
"W-what….h-h-happened?"
"I was hoping you could tell me."
"It hurts."
Jack imagined it did. "What hurts, Daniel?"
"Everything."
"It's okay, we're going to get you some help, okay?"
Daniel retreated again, his head bowing, as Sam appeared in the door. "Janet's on her way, ambulance will be here in a few minutes."
Jack nodded, licking his lips. "Best get the police here too."
"Sir?"
Jack exhaled and stood, nodding to her. "This has nothing to do with the gate or the SGC. The asshole who did this is someone Daniel knew in his past. I want this done the right way. I want him to go down hard."
She nodded and backed away, already dialing her cell phone.
Jack could hear voices in the other room, EMTs and then Janet..and Carter directing them toward the bathroom. Janet appeared first and Jack stepped aside to let her in. "It isn't good." Jack said softly and she nodded to him
"I've got this, Colonel."
"I'll get out of the way."
He retreated into the bedroom with Carter while they worked, at least until she left him to go greet the police at the door. After what seemed an eternity, two EMTs carried Daniel out to the gurney and Janet followed.
The look on her face told him it was pretty grim. "Who did this?"
"Someone who isn't going to hurt anyone ever again." Jack said. "I'm going to ride with him."
"I thought you might."
Daniel didn't speak the whole ride in, and once they were there, Janet whisked him off into surgery. Jack was still waiting for word when Carter showed up, with Teal'c and General Hammond in tow. "Any word?"
Jack sighed and tossed his Styrofoam coffee cup in the trash can that he was fairly sure Janet had place there just to give him someplace to throw stuff. "No, Frasier said that there was internal bleeding and probably a concussion. "
"Along with four cracked or broken ribs, broken nose, orbital bone, four fingers on one hand, three fingers and the thumb on the other, broken tibia, dislocated shoulder and so much bruising it is difficult to tell where one begins and the next begins." Janet said as she exited the swinging double doors. "We think we have the bleeding stopped and he's in recovery. We'll have to do more work to set the tibia, and we may have to operate on his left hand, but for the moment, he's stable." She sighed and rubbed a hand over her eyes. "I have him pretty heavily sedated. You should all go home and get some sleep."
Jack shook his head. "I'll be in my quarters. Call me if he wakes up."
"Sir, the police are going to need to get a statement from him." Carter said, stepping away with him.
Jack licked his lips. "They will, once we're sure he's okay. Did they find anything at Daniel's place?"
She shrugged and exhaled. "They wouldn't say, but they left the place in worse shape than it was when we got there. "
"Figures."
"Sir, what is this about?"
"It's Daniel's story to tell, Carter, not mine."
"Colonel."
Jack looked up from the magazine he wasn't reading to find Doctor Frasier, hands in the pockets of her lab coat. "Hey, Doc." His eyes skipped to Daniel's face, still a mass of bruises and bandages.
"May I speak with you?"
He nodded and stood, leaving the magazine in the chair and following her a few steps away. "Sir, is there something you're not telling me about what happened?"
He frowned down at her. "No."
She chewed on her lip for a minute. "Sam said you found him in the shower?"
He could see where her thought processes were leading. "The man who did this only has a taste for little boys."
She nodded, her eyes closed as she processed that information into everything else she knew about Daniel and the incident. "Did he…"
Jack put a hand on her shoulder. "I get the impression Daniel never told anyone. Not before a few nights ago. From what little I can tell, Daniel's been protecting him." He turned to watch the monitors near Daniel's bed, each beep and line telling him Daniel was still in there somewhere. "This is my fault." He hadn't expected the bastard to respond like this, and he couldn't let it go, not knowing he was out there doing what he had done to Daniel to some other innocent and vulnerable kid. He sighed and looked back at Janet. "I couldn't leave it alone after I got some of the story. Went digging. Found the bastard and kicked over a few rocks. I never thought he'd trace it back to Daniel."
Her expression was sympathetic as she ran a hand over his arm. "I would have done the same thing, if I was the one he told."
He shook his head. "I should have realized he wasn't…I mean, you didn't hear him." He squeezed the bridge of his nose. "I never realized just how…" He couldn't put into words exactly, it still twisted his stomach.
"He's going to be okay, Colonel." Frasier said.
"Is he?" Jack asked. He wasn't sure he believed that. Sure, Daniel would recover physically, but Jack wasn't sure about the rest of him.
His first awareness was that he was in the infirmary at the SGC. He'd woken up there enough to know the feeling of the place, the smell, the sounds. He tried to place why, but the pain was slowly making itself known, turning his attention away from what happened.
He opened his eyes slowly. Jack was asleep in the chair beside him.
"There's those blue eyes." Janet smiled down at him.
"What…" it flashed into his mind though, Tom…furious and cold, his fists and feet. "Tom." He licked his lips, turning his face away. He remembered suddenly realizing it was over, quiet and crawling out of the corner where Tom left him. His body screamed with pain, his stomach twisted over the shame and disgust of realizing that Tom had never loved him, that Jack's condemnation was real, right.
It made him feel disgusted, dirty and even though he knew it wasn't logical, he crawled into the bathroom. Nothing had ever hurt as much as pulling his clothes off and getting into that tub, but he had to get clean before he called for help.
"I pulled back on the medication. Can you tell me how you're feeling?"
"Hurts." He shifted so he could look at the damage. Most of his fingers were in splints, his leg encased in plaster, and it was obvious his nose was taped. "How bad?"
Janet opened his chart. "I'm not going to lie to you Daniel, it's pretty bad. We nearly lost you twice on the table while we were operating to get the internal bleeding under control. A bunch of broken bones, a lot of bruising."
"He was very angry." He tried to shift so that he was sitting up more, then gave up with a sigh.
"I'll say. Well, you're going to be here a while, and when you're strong enough, the police are going to want a statement."
Daniel nodded. "Yeah, okay."
She offered him a smile and patted his uninjured leg. "I'll see about getting you a light meal now that you're awake."
She moved away and he realized Jack was awake, his eyes intense, too much and Daniel wanted to walk away, to escape the look, the knowledge in those eyes, the guilt building in his gut that Jack was right.
"I am so sorry." Jack said, his voice cracking as his hand covered Daniel's. "Daniel, I didn't…I wasn't…fuck, if I'd thought he'd come looking for you…."
Part of him wanted to blame Jack. It would be easier. "Jack…you…" He shook his head. "I should have known you wouldn't let it go."
"You're my friend, Daniel." Jack said. "That man…what he did to you…I know you think it was okay, but it wasn't and I couldn't just let him continue hurting people."
Daniel swallowed against the rising pain inside him, the knowledge that had come while Tom had ranted and beat him. "I know." He said it quietly, without moving. Tears burned in the corners of his eyes, remembering the look on Tom's face, the fury, the hatred. "He…he didn't…." He closed his eyes and the tears fell, his stomach clenching around the words. "He never loved me." He felt like that awkward, lonely twelve year old as Jack moved, sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling Daniel into a hug. "Why? Why couldn't he just love me?"
Jack's hand on his back was warm and comforting, but it only emphasized in Daniel's mind how stupid he'd been, how he'd never let himself see Tom for what he really was. And if he let himself admit it, that meant that he'd let Tom continue hurting others like him, preying on their innocence and their fear, on their loneliness and their need to be loved.
He sat back, rubbing at his eyes with the back of his hand, and he cleared his throat. "The police…I mean, did they find him?"
Jack nodded. "Yeah, they arrested him at the airport."
Daniel inhaled slowly and let it out. "I want to see him."
"You think that's a good idea?" Jack asked.
Daniel looked up at him and offered a small almost smile. "No, but I think I need to."
It had been three months since Daniel had opened the door to find Tom on the other side of it, since he'd been left broken and bleeding on the floor of his own home, since everything he thought he'd known about his life was turned upside down.
He'd been left with a lot of time to think while he recovered and he still wasn't up to returning to his regular life completely. He hadn't been off world since the incident, and he was only up and walking around because Jacob had used the Goa'uld healing device on his leg.
He'd never considered what Tom had done to him as anything other than a loving relationship, even though he recognized child abuse and sexual abuse when he saw it outside his own life. That relationship had shaped everything in his life. It had perpetuated his fear of abandonment, his fear that he was the reason everyone left him.
He never realized when Tom broke it off it was because he'd aged out of his preferred demographic. He had believed it was because he was too needy, too clingy.
He exhaled as he stood at the door to the visiting area, holding up a hand to ward of Jack's next round of trying to talk him out of going in. "Jack, I need to."
Jack pulled Daniel into a hug, tight, almost too tight. "Okay, but I'm going to be right here and if he says or does anything--"
Daniel patted his back and pulled away. "I know." Daniel pulled the door open and glanced back at Jack. "And, thanks."
Tom was already seated at the window. Daniel clenched his fists and released them before crossing and sitting. He picked up the phone and licked his lips. "How many?" Daniel asked without looking at him.
"That's the first thing you've got to say?"
"Were you expecting pleasantries?" He flicked his eyes up, over Tom's face. "You nearly killed me. How many?"
"Boys? You know you were my most special boy."
"Can it, I'm not interested. How many?"
He shrugged and looked around them. "A few. You were my first, did I tell you that?"
"So far five have come forward." Daniel offered. "Are there more?"
"Five, huh?" He nodded. "How's that leg?"
"You know, the ironic thing here, Tom, is that I wasn't ever going to say anything. I still loved you. I would have defended you. But what you did, the things you said to me? It made me realize that you were always a predator, and what you did to me all those years ago was unforgiveable." He stood, looking down on the man who had altered his life forever and wondering how he never realized what he was. "But now, I understand. And now, I'm not only your first. I'm your last. You won't ever have the chance to hurt anyone ever again."
He hung up the phone and turned to walk away. Jack was there waiting, hands in his pocket, eyes lifting to meet Daniel's. "You okay?"
"I will be." Daniel responded.
"You hungry? I'm hungry. I feel like tacos." Jack said as they fell into step side by side on their way out of the facility where Tom was being held pending trial. He wasn't okay. Not yet, but he had real friends in Jack and Sam and Teal'c and they had gone out of their way during his recovery to make sure that he knew it, and that was a good first step.
It didn't fix anything, and his head was still pretty messed up, and he still had to pass a few tests to get back in the field, but he was focusing on figuring it all out, on moving forward and learning what love really meant. Maybe one day he'd trust himself enough to try again.
Title: The First and the Last
Characters/Pairings: Daniel Jackson, Jack O'Neill, Sam Carter, Janet Frasier, OMC, impled Daniel/OMC
Word Count: 8370
Rating: R (see warnings)
Summary: When Daniel calls Jack one night, drunk and sounding depressed, Jack discovers something about his friend that he had never known and that leads to a confrontation no one expected.
A/Ns & Wanrings: This fic involves remembered childhood sexual abuse. It also involves violence. There is no graphic sex or graphic violence. There is no actual underage sex in this.
Jack stepped into the bar and pulled off his shades, giving his eyes a minute to adjust to the dark interior. He looked down the length of the bar and found him, near the far corner, his head down over a half full glass of beer.
He pocketed his sunglasses with a sigh. Daniel had called nearly forty minutes before, clearly drunk, his words slurring together, his voice thick with some emotion Jack wasn't sure was grief, but certainly wasn't joy. He eased past two men taking seats at the bar and sat on the stool next to Daniel's. "Hey."
Daniel inhaled deeply and lifted his head with a lurching sort of motion. His eyes were rimmed in red and bloodshot, and his sloppy grin told Jack just about all that he needed to know about how far Daniel had crawled into that glass of beer. "J-j-jaaaaack."
He couldn't help but grin as Daniel's hand tried, and mostly failed to cup to his face. "Been here a while, have you?" Jack asked, nodding to the bartender to bring him a beer.
"I wanted a drink." Daniel said, lifting his glass.
"More than one, I see." Jack thanked the bartender and took a sip off the beer set in front of him. "What are we drinking too?"
Daniel frowned and drank more of his beer and pointedly didn't answer. "I'm sorry."
"No, you're drunk."
"Am not." Daniel said petulantly, frowning into his glass. "Jus' had a few beers."
Jack looked up at the bartender. "How many is a few?"
Daniel held up one hand and sort of indicated three, while the bartender held up both hands telling Jack it was more like six. "Maybe you should finish that one and I'll take you home."
"No. I didn't wanna go home. Wanna beer."
"Okay." Jack sipped at his beer and stared at Daniel, trying to figure out what this was all about. It had been a few weeks since his old professor had died and his old girlfriend had disappeared with a snake in her head, but Daniel had been fine. Or Daniel's regular approximation of fine. Maybe a little more uptight than usual, but nothing that indicated he was going to find himself some dive bar and drink himself under the table. "What's going on in that head of yours Danny boy?" Jack asked, earning that goofy smile again.
"Only you can do that, Jack." Daniel slurred at him. "Not even Sha're called me Danny."
"Iis that what this is about? Sha're?"
Daniel pouted for a minute, staring at the bar before heaving a heavy sigh. "I fucked that all up, didn't I? She was supposed to be the one that made it all okay, my chance to get it all right and she just…she's just gone. Just gone. And it's my fault. It's always my fault."
"Daniel, Sha're's death wasn't your fault."
"You don't know." Daniel said, shaking his head. "I tried so hard, Jack. I wanted to get it right."
"She loved you, you know that, right?"
Daniel snorted and looked at him through bloodshot eyes. "What would you know about it? You don't know." He poked Jack in the chest. "But I tried so hard and still, I fucked it up. Worse than before…I mean, she died Jack…and she got taken…and she had that evil thing up inside her…" He spilled beer down his shirt as he tried to drink it, swallowing around a sob before putting his glass back on the bar.
He rubbed at one eye as Jack moved his glass away. "I always mess it up. Why, Jack? Why do I always fuck it up?"
Jack sighed and shook his head. "I'm sure you don't, Daniel. I'm sure it's the beer talking."
Daniel shook his head, turning to Jack and taking his left hand, pulling it up to Daniel's chest. "Sha're, Sarah, Tom, Brian…Nick, he sent me away…sent me to that school. He knew what I was. Mom and Dad….I couldn't save them. Couldn't save Sarah, Sha're…they all went away, they all found out I was broken and they all hate me now." Daniel let go of his hand, sniffling. "Someday you'll know too."
Jack had known on some level that Daniel wasn't exactly straight, but he'd never admitted to a relationship with men before this moment. He could tell this was only going to go to darker places at this point if he didn't get Daniel on more upbeat footing. "I'm sure they don't hate you. You said yourself that Sarah forgave you."
Daniel chuckled darkly. "No, she just…she forgot how I was and she was grieving. That's all."
"Come on, you had a good relationship with her before your work got in the way."
Daniel let go of his hand, fumbling for the beer again. "Really? Is that what you think, Jack. Think about it again. Think about her. I didn't ever deserve her…I hid in my work, I chose to…she was a beautiful, intelligent woman and she wanted to be with me and I fucking hid behind artifacts and translations until she gave up trying."
"Okay, then, Danny...why?"
"Why? Why? Because, all I was ever going to do was break her heart, Jack. I couldn't be...I never..." He shook his head and looked away, wiping at the tears spilling from his eyes. "I'm not good enough. Never have been."
Jack rubbed a hand over Daniel's shoulder. "I don't believe that. You're a good man, Daniel."
Daniel snorted and lifted his glass, draining the last of the beer in it. "You don't even know."
There it was, his opening. Jack leaned in, catching Daniel's eyes and holding them with his own. "So, tell me."
"You don't want to know, Jack." Daniel said, lifting his glass at the bartender.
Jack took the glass from him and set it aside, waving the bartender off. "I think you've had enough."
"Fuck you."
"I think maybe I should take you home."
"What are you, my father?"
Jack sighed. "Daniel, you're drunk. Let me take you home." It was easy to see this wasn't going to go anywhere now, and any more to drink would just have Daniel puking his guts out. Jack threw some money on the bar and stood, turning Daniel with a hand under his elbow.
"Maybe you want to be my Daddy, that it Jack?" Daniel asked as Jack helped him off the stool, stumbling against Jack.
The way he said Daddy made Jack pretty sure he didn't mean a father figure exactly. "No, Daniel. I'm your friend."
"I'll find a way to fuck that up too. I always do."
"Yeah, okay. But until then, I'm going to keep being your friend." He got them as far as his truck before Daniel pulled away.
"No." He stumbled down the side of the truck away from the door. "No. I mean it."
"No to what, Daniel?" Jack asked with a sigh. "I just want to take you home. You need to sober up."
Daniel rubbed his face and looked around them, then slowly at Jack. "Jack?"
"Yeah, Danny. Come on, let's get you home." He held the door as Daniel climbed into the truck before circling around and getting in behind the wheel.
"I'm sorry." Daniel said as they pulled out of the parking lot.
"There's nothing to be sorry for, Daniel." Jack said, turning them toward Daniel's place before thinking better of it and turning toward his own. Daniel was drunk enough that Jack didn't want to leave him alone. "Why don't you tell me why you ended up drunk at a bar alone?"
Daniel pouted at him, lower lip sticking out. "Always alone." He shook his head. "Just like he told me I would be."
"He who?" Jack prodded. He wasn't really prying, but he needed to keep Daniel talking, keep him from passing out because there was no way that Jack was carrying him into the house.
"Tom. He told me I'd never have anything, never keep anyone. Too needy, too eager to please, too soft."
"Tom sounds like an ass." Jack said, steering around the corner.
"He was my friend." Daniel insisted. "Knew me better than anyone. My first."
"First what?" Jack glanced aside to see Daniel drooping in his seat. He reached across the seat to shake him. "Hey, Daniel, come on. Stay with me. Tom was your first, what?"
Daniel groaned, and pulled away from him. "He loved me first." He frowned. "I'm drunk."
"Yes, you are." Jack agreed, stopping as the light turned red. "Who was this Tom guy?"
"He loved me, until he couldn't love me anymore. Left me, went away. I was too broken, not good enough. He knew, he saw…but he tried, for years he tried."
"Yeah?" Jack knew he probably shouldn't pry, but he was getting a serious feeling that there was something pretty important driving this behavior, something that Daniel had kept hidden for far too long. "What did he try?"
Daniel licked his lips, turning his wet face toward Jack. "Are you crying?"
He sniffled and wiped at his face. "I was so alone, and he was so nice to me. Let me hide in his office when the boys were picking on me. Let me study there. We were…he loved me."
"Yeah, you keep saying that." Jack muttered, but he was getting a very different picture of this Tom guy. "Hey, look. My place." He pulled into the driveway and got out of the truck, circling around to Daniel's side to help him out. Daniel was wobbly and leaning as Jack got them up the sidewalk. "Come on, let's get you inside."
Daniel wasn't looking very good as Jack helped him inside and it was a look Jack knew well. He kicked the door shut as he helped Daniel to the bathroom, barely getting him to the toilet before he was throwing up.
Jack left Daniel on the bathroom floor and went to get a glass for water. By the time he got back, Daniel was nearly passed out. "Okay, let's get you up." He put the glass on the counter and moved to help Daniel back onto his feet. He guided Daniel out of the bathroom and into the guest room, peeling his jacket off and unzipping his jeans before letting Daniel sink onto the bed.
He went back to the bathroom then, filling the glass and pulling down the bottle of aspirin. Daniel hadn't moved when he returned, staring dully at the floor as Jack got two pills out of the bottle and held his hand out. "Here, take these, drink the water."
Daniel didn't say anything, just took the pills, fumbling a little getting them into his mouth. He spilled some of the water on his shirt, but drank most of it before giving the glass back to Jack, who set it on the nightstand, along with the bottle of aspirin. "All right, let's get you into bed."
It took some maneuvering, particular as Daniel was swiftly becoming less and less coherent, but eventually Jack got his shoes and jeans off of him and had him tucked into bed. He refilled the water glass, knowing Daniel was going to need it, before turning off the light and shutting the bedroom door.
Jack sighed and pulled a hand down his face, moving to lock the front door and heading into the kitchen. He pulled a bottle of whiskey out of the cupboard and a glass, pouring out a little more than a shot and tossing it back.
In all the time he'd known Daniel, he had never seen the man drunk. A little buzzed maybe, but not like this. Something was clearly wrong. And judging just by what Daniel had said, the something was very wrong, and it went back a long, long ways.
It wasn't the first time Jack had gotten an inkling that Daniel's past was murky. He'd known about the death of Daniel's parents when he was just a boy, and of course, he knew about Nicholas Ballard, Daniel's archaeologist grandfather who had sent Daniel to boarding school shortly after the accident that had killed them.
On some level, he'd always known that Daniel must have felt abandoned, but he seemed to handle things particularly well, and Jack had just assumed that Daniel had found ways to adjust. Now, he wasn't so sure.
To be fair, the last year had seen a lot of recurring trauma…finding Sha're on Abydos, ready to give birth to a son that wasn't her husband's, losing her again to the Goa'uld inside her, then losing her altogether when Teal'c killed her to save Daniel's life, the whole thing with Ballard choosing to stay with the aliens and more recently the loss of his college professor and his college girlfriend to the Goa'uld.
Jack snorted and poured a little more whiskey. It was a wonder Daniel hadn't imploded before this. He downed the alcohol, then put the bottle away. Getting drunk himself wasn't the answer. In fact, he wasn't sure what was.
He was vaguely aware that his head was three sizes larger than it should be, stuffed with cotton and pounding. It was far too bright, even with his eyes still closed, and he wanted to pull the blanket up over his head and sleep for another few hours.
Except. He froze as he realized that something wasn't right. He wasn't in his own bed. His hand shot out, feeling the emptiness beside him, trying to remember where he'd been, why he was so hungover. He remembered getting home from work, feeling sad, looking at pictures of Sarah, which led to pictures of Brian…and the yearbooks.
He'd ended up at the dive bar, that much he remembered, because he didn't have anything in the house to hide the pain in. His head however was telling him that he didn't hide from it as much as he did trade it for a different kind.
He'd started with shots of tequila, because it had reminded him of Tom, but a few of those and he knew he would get in trouble fast, so he'd switched to beer.
Daniel opened one eye and regretted it instantly, the light coming in from the nearby window all but deadly to his hungover head. It was enough to confirm that he wasn't in his own bed, and that it was probably Jack's place. He groaned and covered his face. He had only the vaguest memory of calling Jack, but he had blurry memories of talking to Jack, of being in Jack's truck.
He would never live it down, that much he was sure of. He opened his eyes slowly, wincing at the pain lancing through his head from the light. On the nightstand was a glass of water and some aspirin. His jeans and jacket were on the chair under the window. He sat up slowly, rubbing over his face, then holding his head so it wouldn't implode.
Daniel fumbled a little as he reached for the aspirin, nearly dropping the bottle before he got it open and dumped two into his hand. He tossed them back and chased them with the water, downing most of the glass before he came up for air.
Part of him wanted to just curl up and go back to sleep, but that wasn't going to do him any good. Maybe, if it was early enough he could just slip out, call a cab. He could go home, shower, sleep…put his past firmly in the past again before he had to face Jack.
Daniel eased himself to his feet and crossed to the chair, pulling his jeans on, and bending to find his shoes beside the chair. A few minutes later he pulled a hand through his hair, grabbed his jacket and slipped into the hallway, heading for the front door.
He knew it wasn't going to be that easy before he even reached the archway into the kitchen. He could smell coffee and eggs. "Good morning, sunshine." Jack said in a tone that was far, far too chipper.
Daniel raised a hand and turned to find Jack sitting at the kitchen table, the plate in front of him empty but for the streaky remnants of egg yolk. "I, uh…thanks for…but I'm gonna just…I'm gonna go."
Jack shook his head and stood. "No, you're not. Go sit down. I'll get you some more water."
"Jack, really, I should--"
Jack met his eyes and Daniel could tell he was serious. He swallowed, trying to remember what he might have said or done while he was drunk. "Okay." He went to the table, sitting and rubbing at his forehead. "I…I don't really remember much from last night," he admitted as Jack set a glass of water in front of him and sat across with a cup of coffee.
"You were pretty drunk." Jack said, looking down at his coffee cup. "And pretty down. Talking about how all of your relationships falling apart was your fault."
"Yeah…I um…" Daniel wasn't sure exactly what to say, largely because he had no idea what he might have said while he was drunk, how far he might have gone.
"Daniel." Jack's tone had none of it usual playfulness and Daniel hid behind drinking his water, wondering how much trouble he was actually in here, if he hadn't just fucked another friendship with his stupid mouth. "You know I don't care about…" Jack sort of gestured with his hands and his mouth tightened. "I mean to say that it doesn't matter to me whether you're into guys or girls or both."
"Oh god, what did I say?" Daniel asked squeezing his eyes shut. "Please tell me I didn't hit on you Jack."
"What? No. Of course not."
"Okay. Okay. That's good. I…was very drunk." Daniel shook his head.
"You only had six beers." Jack countered and Daniel rolled his eyes.
"And a couple of shots of tequila before that. But that…it doesn't matter. You can't….nothing I said…"
Jack's eyes were burning into him and Daniel couldn't meet them. "Tell me about Tom." Jack said calmly.
"What?" Daniel shook his head. He couldn't do that. His heart thundered in his chest, almost drowning out the noise in his head. "No. He's…he's none of your business." He put the water down and stood. "I should go."
Jack sipped at his coffee and looked up at him. "If that's what you really want, I'll take you back to your place.”
Of course he hadn't driven. His face burned and he turned away. He'd been so drunk he didn't remember Jack bringing him here, so of course he couldn't just leave. Jack stood, his hand on Daniel's elbow. "I just want to help, Daniel."
"I'm fine." Daniel responded automatically.
Jack nodded, but Daniel could feel his disbelief. "Okay, I'm not going to push. But I want you to consider that maybe you should…talk to someone, you know? This last year has been a lot…for anyone."
"What? Like a shrink?" Daniel asked, pulling away a little.
Jack shrugged. "Someone, Daniel. Obviously, something was bothering you yesterday. Enough for you to go out and get drunk. When you called me you were sounding pretty depressed."
"Please, just take me home." Daniel said softly, just wanting this whole thing to be over. "I promise that come Monday, I'll be fine." He wasn't sure Jack believed him, but it was enough to move him toward the door.
Obviously, he'd said enough the night before to concern Jack. As he pulled the door shut and Jack started the engine, Daniel licked his lips. If he could get Jack to tell him, it might be easier to smooth over. "Um, so…what exactly did I say about Tom last night?"
Jack glanced at him, then put the truck in gear and backed out of the driveway. "Enough for me to get the impression that he wasn't very good to you."
Daniel frowned. "No, he was…he was good. He loved me." He shook his head. It had been good, until Daniel couldn't give him everything he needed. "He was…"
"You said he let you hide in his office, that tells me he wasn't a student." Jack said, his voice dark.
"I did? He…he was…" Daniel knew that Jack would see through a lie at this point, but he wouldn't understand the truth either. "Tom was my counsellor," he said after a hesitation. "And it isn't like what you're thinking."
"No?" Jack asked, his hands tightening on the steering wheel. "What I'm thinking is that you're telling me a grown man took advantage of a lonely, grieving child."
Daniel looked away, holding his roiling stomach. "It wasn't like that."
"No? Tell me what it was like then."
"It wasn't…he didn't." Daniel inhaled deeply and let it out slowly. "This is why I never tell anyone. No one understands."
Jack's voice had changed when he responded. "Do you?" It was soft, worried.
"He never…he never forced me to do anything." Daniel said. "He loved me."
Jack pulled the truck over and put it in park, turning to look at him. "How old were you, Daniel?"
"What?"
"When you met him, how old were you?"
"He started at the school when I was nine." Daniel said, rolling his eyes as he realized what Jack was implying. "But…it's not like he just…started molesting me or anything. It wasn't like that. He never…he was nice to me. I liked him a lot."
"Daniel, are you even listening to what you're saying?" Jack asked.
"Are you? We didn't…I kissed him the first time." Daniel frowned, wishing his head wasn't so loud or that the sun wasn't making his eyes hurt, and that they weren't having this conversation. "I was older then. He helped me get through some of my issues."
"It sounds to me more like he used your issues to manipulate you."
Daniel rubbed at his forehead. "I know what it sounds like." The last person who had discovered the truth about the relationship with Tom didn't understand either.
"How long before things got…physical?" Jack asked, his hand on the seat near Daniel's thigh.
"I said I was older." Daniel insisted, trying to find a way to end this conversation.
"How much?"
"Jack. Can we just…not do this right now?"
"Obviously, you know it was wrong. If there was nothing to hide, you'd just tell me."
"Fine, if it will end this conversation, I kissed him when I was twelve. Okay?"
"And the rest?" Jack asked, his voice gentle.
Daniel closed his eyes and he could almost slip back into the memory…the nightmare that brought him to the door of Tom's room, the sleepy smile, the gentle hands, the feeling of safety as Tom pulled him close, the taste of him as they kissed, the heat of his body behind Daniel in the bed…
"Daniel."
"Not…not longer after." He licked his lips and looked down at his hands so he wouldn't have to see Jack's face. "I woke up after a nightmare. Tom talked me down from it, let me sleep in his bed." But not before their kissing went past kissing, not before his hands had slipped into Daniel's pajama pants, not before Daniel had experienced his first orgasm…not before Tom had had his own orgasm.
"Daniel."
"No, Jack. Don't." He pulled away from Jack's hand. "Just, take me home."
For a long minute, Daniel wasn't sure Jack would, but the truck started moving again and Daniel could almost breathe. Neither of them spoke again until Jack was parked in front of his place. "Just one more question, Daniel, and I'll let it drop. When did it end?"
Daniel closed his eyes, remembering the exact moment. He had discovered Tom with another boy, another orphan…and Tom had told him that it wasn't enough, that Daniel couldn't be what Tom needed, that Daniel wasn't good enough, wasn't strong enough…too needy, to broken… He cleared his throat. "I was sixteen. I wasn't…he needed more than I could…" Tears burned at the corner of his eyes and he reached for the door handle.
"No, Daniel…you just weren't young enough anymore." Jack said, leaning across the seat as Daniel stepped out of the truck. "Just….think about that."
He shut the door of the truck and headed up the walkway without looking back. He unlocked the door and slipped inside, locking it behind himself and leaning against it. He was exhausted, and trembling. He needed more water and more sleep to counter the affects of the drinking.
And with any luck, Jack would let the past be in the past and everything would go back to normal again.
Jack knew he should probably let it go, but Daniel had just told him that he had been sexually abused by a man who was in a position to prey on vulnerable kids, and he knew Daniel had never reported it, and if the bastard was as good at it as he seemed to be, just judging from Daniel's excuses, the chances were very good that no one else had either.
Sure, it had been a long time since Daniel was that kid, but Jack couldn't let it go.
He drove past his house and headed for the base. He wasn't sure what he could do to find this guy, having only a first name to go on, but he could start with Daniel's personnel file and the school. He parked at the base and headed down to the office he pretended not to know he had. He seldom had need of it, but this was one time he could use the privacy, and the files he would need.
It took him about an hour to find the file, buried in his filing cabinet, and dig through it for the name of the school Daniel had attended as a child. At that point he wasn't sure where to go next. He bit his lip as he scribbled the school's name, address and phone number on a piece of paper.
It was Saturday, and the chances that there would be anyone at the school were small. He flipped the file open again, paging through it slowly. The air force had been very thorough in its background check. There were letters in the back, references provided to the colleges Daniel applied to, along with his own essay and paperwork for scholarships. He paused on a page with the school's stationary.
It was signed "T. R. Davison, Counsellor". The letter was a glowing recommendation, selling Daniel as a dedicated student, devoted to his education and deeply caring for others. Somehow that irked Jack. He added the name to his paper and put the file away. He had a name and a place to start.
It had been a week, and for the first few days of that week, Jack hadn't even come into work. When he did, he acted as though nothing had changed. Daniel was relieved. He left the base for home a little earlier than usual on Friday, tucking some translations he needed to work on into his bag.
"Hey, there you are." Jack said as Daniel pressed the button on the elevator.
"Yeah, just heading out. You need me for something?"
Jack shook his head. "Not so much need, but I'm having a barbeque at the house tomorrow. Sam's coming over, why don't you join us?"
Daniel nodded. "Yeah, okay. That sounds good. Want me to bring something?"
"Beer is always good." Jack said with a grin, his eyes catching on Daniel's. It made him a little uncomfortable and he looked away.
"Okay, what time?"
"Two?"
"I'll be there." Daniel stepped onto the elevator. It had been a while since Jack had asked him over, but he seemed genuine. Daniel shook his head. He needed to stop reading so much into everything. Clearly his behavior the week before was behind them and hadn't permanently damaged anything.
He let himself out of the base and got into his car, heading for home. It was difficult to believe Jack was going to let it go after Daniel had told him about Tom, but he was grateful for it. He was determined that from this point he would be what he needed to be, and never give anyone a reason to walk away again.
Once home, Daniel put his bag by his desk and pulled his jacket off, tossing it on the back of his chair. His place was quiet and he let himself relax.
Several hours later, he'd eaten dinner and was at the desk studying the material he needed to translate when his doorbell rang. Frowning a little, Daniel padded on bare feet to the door. He opened it to find a man with greying hair and a quick, familiar smile.
"Daniel Jackson, you are a hard man to find."
Daniel squinted at him. "Do I….Tom?"
He grinned and held out his hands for a hug. Daniel let himself be pulled into the hug, shocked beyond the ability to articulate. Then Tom was letting go of him and moving into the house. Daniel followed, stumbling a little in his confusion.
"This is not what I was expecting." Tom said, turning in the center of the living room to look at Daniel. "You'd never even know how hard it was for you, looking at all of this."
"Tom, I…what are you doing here?"
"Funny thing, Daniel, apparently some Air Force Colonel came around snooping into my past and telling my school stories about there being a possibility of inappropriate relations with my students."
Daniel closed his eyes and exhaled. "Jack." So he hadn't let it go after all.
"So you do know what this is about."
Daniel shook his head. "No, I didn't know. He…" Daniel sighed. "He didn't understand."
"Understand what?" Tom asked, moving closer, his eyes fiery, his hands in fists at his side. "What did you tell him, Daniel?"
"Nothing. Just…I was drunk, okay?"
"What did you tell him? More of your fantasies? Your pathetic little transference episodes when you convinced yourself that I loved you?"
"What?" Daniel took a step back, frowning at him. "You did love me. You told me so."
"As if anyone could love the sniveling, spineless baby you were when you were assigned to me. You made it all up."
"No, I didn't." Daniel said.
Tom's smile was frightening. "You're going to tell your friend that you were confused, that it's all a blur and that you made it all up."
His mind raced back, through memories of their time together, trying to see where or how he might have read it wrong, made it something it wasn't. "No. You touched me, you came into my room."
"Mine was across the hall, I could hear you screaming because you were terrified of your dreams. You were infantile, crying out for your mommy and your daddy. If I hadn't come in there to shut you up, you would have woken the entire dorm."
Daniel shook his head. "No."
"Let me help you remember." He didn't see the fist coming, but felt it slam into his jaw, sending him sprawling to the floor. Daniel scrambled back, but Tom kept coming, his larger body still fast, still strong, only now it didn't make him feel safe. Tom dragged him back up to his feet and shoved him, his body slamming into a book case and down amid a landslide of books.
"I'm going to teach you the lesson I should have taught you all those years ago, Daniel. When I’m done, you won't be telling any stories about those twisted up fantasies in your head."
Jack had been annoyed when two o'clock became three. Carter had tried calling Daniel, but there was no answer. They made small talk with intermittent calls to Daniel's number until it was nearly four. That was when Jack had gone from annoyed to worried.
He had tried to talk Carter out of coming with him, but she was worried too. He stopped the truck in front of Daniel's house and let his eyes sweep over it. Daniel's car was in the driveway. He didn't see any lights on. He exhaled and got out of the truck.
Something wasn't right. Sure, Daniel was clearly fucked up in the head, but he was usually pretty good about calling if he was going to be late, or if something came up. It wasn't like him at all to just not show up. Well, not unless they were off world and there were ruins of any kind.
Jack froze on the walkway when he realized that the front door was partially open, holding up one hand to stop Carter. He inched forward, easing up the steps, wishing he had a sidearm on him. The porch creaked and he froze, listening for any sign that there was someone inside. He leaned in, peering through the door, his eyes sweeping around the area he could see.
Slowly, he pushed the door open a little more, stepping lightly. Carter was behind him, her step lighter still. There had been some struggle, furniture shoved out of place, tables knocked over, books strewn all over.
"Sir?"
Jack shook his head at her, not sure himself what had happened. Whatever it was, it was over, the house quiet. "Daniel?" Jack moved out of the entryway, turning on the overhead light. The living room was trashed, the television screen broken, one of the bookshelves nearly empty, shelves busted. The coffee table was a pile of wood and glass. He was aware of Carter moving around him, but the roar of white noise in his drowned out everything else. This was his fault. Somehow he just knew it was. "Daniel?" He raised his voice a little, his eyes seeking out the places Daniel might be laying in the mess.
"Sir?" He turned to Carter who was squatting beside what was left of the coffee table, looking at a dark smear on the glass. "Blood."
He nodded and gestured with his chin toward the bedroom. She nodded and stood, letting him take point. "Daniel? It's Jack," he called as he neared the door to the bedroom. There was less destruction here, though the mattress sat funny on the box spring and there was clothing on the floor. "Daniel, I'm coming in."
It wasn't until he was in the room that he heard it, a whimper and the sound of water. He gestured for Carter to wait and moved along the wall to the bathroom door. "Daniel?" He pushed the door open and reached for the shower curtain. "Fuck."
Daniel was huddled under the barely running stream of water, shivering, covered in bruises. Jack turned the water off before leaning back toward the door. "Carter, find me a blanket."
"Is he okay?"
Jack sort of shrugged. "I don't know yet, but we need to get him warmed up."
She nodded and turned away. Jack went back to Daniel. "Daniel, can you hear me?"
"Sir?"
Jack turned and took the blanket Carter handed him, shaking it out as he tried to figure out the best way to get Daniel up out of the tub. He couldn't actually see a place to touch that wouldn't hurt so eventually, he draped the blanket around Daniel and bent at the knees, wrapping his arms around him. Daniel stiffened, but otherwise didn't react.
That made it hard to lift him and Jack's back and knee protested, but he got Daniel clear of the tub and put his feet on the ground, at least until he realized that his left shin bone was protruding from his skin. "Shit. Carter, I need your help."
She was there in an instant, on Daniel's other side and together they got him turned and sitting on the toilet. He was shaking, the noise coming from his throat like some cross between grief and pain and terror. Carter dropped to one knee, her hands gliding gently over Daniel's legs, her breath catching. There were deep black bruises on his thighs.
Daniel whimpered, his hands pulled in away from her. "I can't get a good look at him like this." Carter said. "But, it's not good."
Jack nodded. "I know. Go on, I'll stay with him, you get some help."
"I'll call Janet." She slipped out of the bathroom and Jack took her place, kneeling in front of Daniel.
He rubbed his hands over the blanket, up Daniel's arms to his shoulders and down again. "It's going to be okay, Daniel. We're here."
It was a few minutes before Daniel gave any indication that he understood, that he knew Jack was even there, blinking and taking a deep, shuddering breath before letting it out again. "J-j-jack?"
"Yeah, Danny, it's me."
"W-what….h-h-happened?"
"I was hoping you could tell me."
"It hurts."
Jack imagined it did. "What hurts, Daniel?"
"Everything."
"It's okay, we're going to get you some help, okay?"
Daniel retreated again, his head bowing, as Sam appeared in the door. "Janet's on her way, ambulance will be here in a few minutes."
Jack nodded, licking his lips. "Best get the police here too."
"Sir?"
Jack exhaled and stood, nodding to her. "This has nothing to do with the gate or the SGC. The asshole who did this is someone Daniel knew in his past. I want this done the right way. I want him to go down hard."
She nodded and backed away, already dialing her cell phone.
Jack could hear voices in the other room, EMTs and then Janet..and Carter directing them toward the bathroom. Janet appeared first and Jack stepped aside to let her in. "It isn't good." Jack said softly and she nodded to him
"I've got this, Colonel."
"I'll get out of the way."
He retreated into the bedroom with Carter while they worked, at least until she left him to go greet the police at the door. After what seemed an eternity, two EMTs carried Daniel out to the gurney and Janet followed.
The look on her face told him it was pretty grim. "Who did this?"
"Someone who isn't going to hurt anyone ever again." Jack said. "I'm going to ride with him."
"I thought you might."
Daniel didn't speak the whole ride in, and once they were there, Janet whisked him off into surgery. Jack was still waiting for word when Carter showed up, with Teal'c and General Hammond in tow. "Any word?"
Jack sighed and tossed his Styrofoam coffee cup in the trash can that he was fairly sure Janet had place there just to give him someplace to throw stuff. "No, Frasier said that there was internal bleeding and probably a concussion. "
"Along with four cracked or broken ribs, broken nose, orbital bone, four fingers on one hand, three fingers and the thumb on the other, broken tibia, dislocated shoulder and so much bruising it is difficult to tell where one begins and the next begins." Janet said as she exited the swinging double doors. "We think we have the bleeding stopped and he's in recovery. We'll have to do more work to set the tibia, and we may have to operate on his left hand, but for the moment, he's stable." She sighed and rubbed a hand over her eyes. "I have him pretty heavily sedated. You should all go home and get some sleep."
Jack shook his head. "I'll be in my quarters. Call me if he wakes up."
"Sir, the police are going to need to get a statement from him." Carter said, stepping away with him.
Jack licked his lips. "They will, once we're sure he's okay. Did they find anything at Daniel's place?"
She shrugged and exhaled. "They wouldn't say, but they left the place in worse shape than it was when we got there. "
"Figures."
"Sir, what is this about?"
"It's Daniel's story to tell, Carter, not mine."
"Colonel."
Jack looked up from the magazine he wasn't reading to find Doctor Frasier, hands in the pockets of her lab coat. "Hey, Doc." His eyes skipped to Daniel's face, still a mass of bruises and bandages.
"May I speak with you?"
He nodded and stood, leaving the magazine in the chair and following her a few steps away. "Sir, is there something you're not telling me about what happened?"
He frowned down at her. "No."
She chewed on her lip for a minute. "Sam said you found him in the shower?"
He could see where her thought processes were leading. "The man who did this only has a taste for little boys."
She nodded, her eyes closed as she processed that information into everything else she knew about Daniel and the incident. "Did he…"
Jack put a hand on her shoulder. "I get the impression Daniel never told anyone. Not before a few nights ago. From what little I can tell, Daniel's been protecting him." He turned to watch the monitors near Daniel's bed, each beep and line telling him Daniel was still in there somewhere. "This is my fault." He hadn't expected the bastard to respond like this, and he couldn't let it go, not knowing he was out there doing what he had done to Daniel to some other innocent and vulnerable kid. He sighed and looked back at Janet. "I couldn't leave it alone after I got some of the story. Went digging. Found the bastard and kicked over a few rocks. I never thought he'd trace it back to Daniel."
Her expression was sympathetic as she ran a hand over his arm. "I would have done the same thing, if I was the one he told."
He shook his head. "I should have realized he wasn't…I mean, you didn't hear him." He squeezed the bridge of his nose. "I never realized just how…" He couldn't put into words exactly, it still twisted his stomach.
"He's going to be okay, Colonel." Frasier said.
"Is he?" Jack asked. He wasn't sure he believed that. Sure, Daniel would recover physically, but Jack wasn't sure about the rest of him.
His first awareness was that he was in the infirmary at the SGC. He'd woken up there enough to know the feeling of the place, the smell, the sounds. He tried to place why, but the pain was slowly making itself known, turning his attention away from what happened.
He opened his eyes slowly. Jack was asleep in the chair beside him.
"There's those blue eyes." Janet smiled down at him.
"What…" it flashed into his mind though, Tom…furious and cold, his fists and feet. "Tom." He licked his lips, turning his face away. He remembered suddenly realizing it was over, quiet and crawling out of the corner where Tom left him. His body screamed with pain, his stomach twisted over the shame and disgust of realizing that Tom had never loved him, that Jack's condemnation was real, right.
It made him feel disgusted, dirty and even though he knew it wasn't logical, he crawled into the bathroom. Nothing had ever hurt as much as pulling his clothes off and getting into that tub, but he had to get clean before he called for help.
"I pulled back on the medication. Can you tell me how you're feeling?"
"Hurts." He shifted so he could look at the damage. Most of his fingers were in splints, his leg encased in plaster, and it was obvious his nose was taped. "How bad?"
Janet opened his chart. "I'm not going to lie to you Daniel, it's pretty bad. We nearly lost you twice on the table while we were operating to get the internal bleeding under control. A bunch of broken bones, a lot of bruising."
"He was very angry." He tried to shift so that he was sitting up more, then gave up with a sigh.
"I'll say. Well, you're going to be here a while, and when you're strong enough, the police are going to want a statement."
Daniel nodded. "Yeah, okay."
She offered him a smile and patted his uninjured leg. "I'll see about getting you a light meal now that you're awake."
She moved away and he realized Jack was awake, his eyes intense, too much and Daniel wanted to walk away, to escape the look, the knowledge in those eyes, the guilt building in his gut that Jack was right.
"I am so sorry." Jack said, his voice cracking as his hand covered Daniel's. "Daniel, I didn't…I wasn't…fuck, if I'd thought he'd come looking for you…."
Part of him wanted to blame Jack. It would be easier. "Jack…you…" He shook his head. "I should have known you wouldn't let it go."
"You're my friend, Daniel." Jack said. "That man…what he did to you…I know you think it was okay, but it wasn't and I couldn't just let him continue hurting people."
Daniel swallowed against the rising pain inside him, the knowledge that had come while Tom had ranted and beat him. "I know." He said it quietly, without moving. Tears burned in the corners of his eyes, remembering the look on Tom's face, the fury, the hatred. "He…he didn't…." He closed his eyes and the tears fell, his stomach clenching around the words. "He never loved me." He felt like that awkward, lonely twelve year old as Jack moved, sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling Daniel into a hug. "Why? Why couldn't he just love me?"
Jack's hand on his back was warm and comforting, but it only emphasized in Daniel's mind how stupid he'd been, how he'd never let himself see Tom for what he really was. And if he let himself admit it, that meant that he'd let Tom continue hurting others like him, preying on their innocence and their fear, on their loneliness and their need to be loved.
He sat back, rubbing at his eyes with the back of his hand, and he cleared his throat. "The police…I mean, did they find him?"
Jack nodded. "Yeah, they arrested him at the airport."
Daniel inhaled slowly and let it out. "I want to see him."
"You think that's a good idea?" Jack asked.
Daniel looked up at him and offered a small almost smile. "No, but I think I need to."
It had been three months since Daniel had opened the door to find Tom on the other side of it, since he'd been left broken and bleeding on the floor of his own home, since everything he thought he'd known about his life was turned upside down.
He'd been left with a lot of time to think while he recovered and he still wasn't up to returning to his regular life completely. He hadn't been off world since the incident, and he was only up and walking around because Jacob had used the Goa'uld healing device on his leg.
He'd never considered what Tom had done to him as anything other than a loving relationship, even though he recognized child abuse and sexual abuse when he saw it outside his own life. That relationship had shaped everything in his life. It had perpetuated his fear of abandonment, his fear that he was the reason everyone left him.
He never realized when Tom broke it off it was because he'd aged out of his preferred demographic. He had believed it was because he was too needy, too clingy.
He exhaled as he stood at the door to the visiting area, holding up a hand to ward of Jack's next round of trying to talk him out of going in. "Jack, I need to."
Jack pulled Daniel into a hug, tight, almost too tight. "Okay, but I'm going to be right here and if he says or does anything--"
Daniel patted his back and pulled away. "I know." Daniel pulled the door open and glanced back at Jack. "And, thanks."
Tom was already seated at the window. Daniel clenched his fists and released them before crossing and sitting. He picked up the phone and licked his lips. "How many?" Daniel asked without looking at him.
"That's the first thing you've got to say?"
"Were you expecting pleasantries?" He flicked his eyes up, over Tom's face. "You nearly killed me. How many?"
"Boys? You know you were my most special boy."
"Can it, I'm not interested. How many?"
He shrugged and looked around them. "A few. You were my first, did I tell you that?"
"So far five have come forward." Daniel offered. "Are there more?"
"Five, huh?" He nodded. "How's that leg?"
"You know, the ironic thing here, Tom, is that I wasn't ever going to say anything. I still loved you. I would have defended you. But what you did, the things you said to me? It made me realize that you were always a predator, and what you did to me all those years ago was unforgiveable." He stood, looking down on the man who had altered his life forever and wondering how he never realized what he was. "But now, I understand. And now, I'm not only your first. I'm your last. You won't ever have the chance to hurt anyone ever again."
He hung up the phone and turned to walk away. Jack was there waiting, hands in his pocket, eyes lifting to meet Daniel's. "You okay?"
"I will be." Daniel responded.
"You hungry? I'm hungry. I feel like tacos." Jack said as they fell into step side by side on their way out of the facility where Tom was being held pending trial. He wasn't okay. Not yet, but he had real friends in Jack and Sam and Teal'c and they had gone out of their way during his recovery to make sure that he knew it, and that was a good first step.
It didn't fix anything, and his head was still pretty messed up, and he still had to pass a few tests to get back in the field, but he was focusing on figuring it all out, on moving forward and learning what love really meant. Maybe one day he'd trust himself enough to try again.
