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phantismaFandom: Supernatural, Keeper!Verse
Title: Losing Sam, Arc 3.1 (All Keeper Verse Here, including Arcs 1 & 2)
Rating: R
Word Count: 37,625 (total arc)
Pairings/Characters: Sam/Dean (long term established wincest), John, Dana (Dean's daughter) Missouri, OFC & OMC
Summary: Sam is recovering from the vicious attack...or is he?
A/Ns & Warnings: This story pics up after arc 2 as written by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
shotofjack. It would never have happened without her. From the original concept to her beta, this fic owes a good amount to her. It isn't quite tomorrow here yet, but it will be soon...and I have no idea what time I'll crawl out of bed tomorrow, so I figured I'd post this first chapter now as a New Year's gift to Keeper fans. Expect a chapter a day until it is finished.
“Go to work.” Sam rubbed a hand down a numb leg and watched Dean vacillate.
“Dad can handle it a few more days.” Dean said, putting the keys down.
“I can’t.” Aristotle shifted on the couch next to him to put her head in his lap. “I love you, but you need to go, at least for a few hours.”
Dean chewed on his lip and scooped up the puppy. “What about Remmy? He needs me, don’t you little guy?”
Sam sighed and rested his head on the back of the couch. “Seriously, Dean. Missouri’s coming over to work with me.”
Physically he improved every day, but mentally he seemed to have hit a plateau. Gaping holes remained in his memory and sometimes words were not his friend.
Dean made a face. “That mean you’ll be shutting this down?” touching his head to signify their connection.
Sam reached out and caressed him through the link. Just for a little while.
Dean hadn’t left the house in weeks, other than to walk the puppy and Aristotle.
Dean came to stand in front of Sam, puppy tucked under one arm. Let me give you a dose before I go.
Sam shook his head. “Already did, an hour ago. I don’t need it.” The daily energy Dean fed him helped, but Sam wondered if it wasn’t slowly draining Dean…if it weren’t becoming like a drug…okay when it was needed, but addictive and hard to break the habit.
Dean’s thumb brushed over Sam’s cheek and his lips pressed into his forehead. “I’ll be home by noon. I’m taking Remmy with me.”
Sam snorted. “John’s gonna love that.”
“Dad.”
Sam frowned. “What?”
“You said John, not Dad.”
Sam rubbed his head, trying to figure out what Dean was getting at. “When did I start calling him Dad?”
“A few years ago.” Dean’s face reverted to concerned. “You were calling him Dad yesterday, Sam. I’m staying.”
“Go. I’ll be fine. It’s just…a hole.”
“A new hole.” Dean countered, his face pinched and tight.
There was a knock on the door and Dean opened it, letting Missouri in. “That’s an awfully sour face so early in the day.” She cooed at Remmy and moved into the living room smiling at Sam. “How you feeling today?”
“He called Dad ‘John’.” Dean said, clearly fretting when he should be leaving.
“You let me handle that.” Missouri said, setting her purse on the coffee table.
Dean stood near the door with the squirming puppy under his arm and watched as Missouri pulled things out of her over-sized purse. Finally, she looked up. “I thought Sam said you were going to work so we could work without your hovering self getting in the way.”
“Fine. I’m going. But I’ll be home at noon.”
“Go on then, me and Sam got stuff to do.”
Dean snatched his keys and headed out.
Sam sighed, reaching after him with a tender caress, before he snipped the connection. Almost instantly the ache of its absence hit him, the pain of not having Dean right there making him want to reach for him again. He adjusted slowly to not having that crutch and when he opened his eyes, Missouri was watching him closely.
“Before we get started, Sam, I want to talk to you about something.”
“You sound serious.”
She nodded and stopped fussing with her candles, settling onto the couch and taking his hand. “I’m concerned about my ability to get you through this. There’s so much that needs doing in your head, and I’m worried that I don’t have the skill to do what needs doing.”
“You’re the best shot I’ve got Missouri. You’re…” He struggled to find the words, then gave up. “The best I know.”
She smiled gently. “I know. But I know some people. I’ve referred cases to them before. None near as challenging as you, but I think they can help.”
Sam wasn’t sure what to think about it. As far as he knew only Dana and Dean and Missouri had ever been in his head. “I…don’t know.”
She nodded. “I want you to think about it, okay Sam? And while you’re at it, I need you to think about Dean.”
“I rely on him too much.” Sam said softly, dropping his eyes. “I don’t know how not to Missouri.”
She patted his knee and stood. “You think on it later. Let’s get us into that head of yours.”
John looked up from the engine he was working on when he saw the light go on in Dean’s office. He hadn’t expected Dean to show up. He heard barking and rolled his eyes, dropping his rag and heading in to the office.
Dean was sitting in his chair, Remmy in his lap, staring at the wall.
“What’s wrong?”
Dean looked up, shaking his head. “Don’t want to be here.”
John snorted. “Then why are you?”
“Got kicked out. Missouri’s with Sam.”
John squinted at the blank expression, it was almost like it was when Sam was unconscious and Dean was exhausted. “What else?”
Dean wrinkled his nose and turned his chair. “I’m worried. He’s not getting better.”
“Dana said he managed a few steps without the walker.”
Dean shook his head. “Yeah, physically he’s better. It’s his head I’m worried about. He’s forgetting stuff.”
“Dana said it would take a while.”
“New stuff. I told him I was bringing Remmy with me and he said, ‘John’s going to love that’.”
John felt something inside him pinch. “He called me John?”
Dean nodded, scratching his head. “He didn’t remember ever calling you Dad.”
“Why are you here?”
Dean sighed and shook his head. “He didn’t want me there while they…do whatever it is they’re doing.”
Dean looked miserable.
“Why don’t you go home, I’ll be fine here without you.”
Remmy put his paws on Dean’s chest and licked his face. “I told him I’d be home at noon.”
John looked at the clock. “It’s eleven thirty. Let me wash up, and we’ll go together. We can bring him lunch. He’s always hungry when he’s done with that psychic stuff.”
Dean nodded absently and John went to wash his hands and pull off his coveralls. As hard as this had to be on Sam, it was eating Dean alive. And truthfully, the idea of Sam forgetting how much they’d bonded, even just the simple matter of calling him “Dad” made John sick inside.
Dean tossed him the keys and they headed out. He tried not to think about the last time he’d driven the Impala back to Dean’s house like this. It had been Aristotle in Dean’s lap, not the puppy, and they’d gotten home to devastation unlike anything he’d ever seen.
They’d nearly lost Sam…and John held no delusions. Without Sam, Dean wouldn’t have ever recovered.
He pulled them through a drive through, bought a mess of burgers and headed for the house. Dean was quiet beside him. Remmy was whining and licking Deans face most of the way.
Missouri was gathering her things as they came in the door. Sam was on the couch, half dozing. He opened his eyes, looking surprised. “Brought lunch.” John said, holding up the bags.
Dean put the puppy down and went to sit beside Sam. “I’m glad you’re home.” Sam said softly.
“You’re the one who told me to go.” Dean said, a slight tease in his tone.
Sam kissed him, then looked up at Missouri.
“You want to do this now?”
Sam nodded. John put the bags on the coffee table and looked to Missouri, his expression clearly telling her to speak up. She nodded and moved closer. “Sam and I have been talking. I think I’m about at my limit for helping him. He needs someone who knows about this kind of trauma, someone who does this kind of work.”
“I take it you know someone?” John asked.
She nodded. “Yes, I do. Actually, they run a retreat up north.”
John waited for Dean to respond, but he only seemed interested in holding Sam’s hand. It took a second to realize he was probably communicating with Sam through their link. “What sort of retreat?”
“It’s mostly a Buddhist retreat, they have a temple there…but they have a space reserved for work like this. It would be two adepts working with Sam twenty four hours a day, isolated from all other influences.”
“What about safety?”
“Safer than here. Trust me, nothing ugly is getting within a mile of the place.”
Dean made an odd sort of noise and cocked his head at Sam. “What gives?”
Sam sighed. “I just need some time alone in here after the work we did.” Sam said softly.
Dean looked hurt. “Let me help you.”
“You need to stop letting him be so dependent on you.” Missouri said brusquely. “Or he won’t ever get better.”
“Dean, have you listened to anything Missouri said?” Sam asked.
“Something about a retreat.” Dean looked up at her. “When, where?”
“I’ve already called and they’re preparing for Sam now. It will take about a day and a half drive.”
Dean nodded. “We can be ready to leave tomorrow.”
“No.” Missouri said adamantly.
Sam seemed to pull into himself further as Missouri shook her head. “Not you. Sam.”
“Sam can barely walk.” Dean said, standing up. There was anger in his eyes, sharp and raw. He rounded on Missouri, but she didn’t back down.
“I’ll drive him.” Missouri said. “You’ll stay here. Sam needs to do this without the crutches.”
“No. No fucking way.” Dean snapped. He paced to the window and back.
“Dean, Missouri’s ri—“
“No. No way in hell, Sam. Don’t tell me she’s right.” Dean shook his head. “No way in hell am I letting him go off to some touch-feely whackos I’ve never met without me.”
“Dean—“
“NO!” Dean moved away, hands on his hips.
“Dean Winchester, stop yelling and listen to what I’m telling you.” Missouri said, following him. “You need the break just as much as he needs to do this. Look at you.”
“I don’t need a break.” Dean said. “I need Sam with me. I need Sam where I can protect him.”
“Because you did that so well the first time?” Missouri said, her voice harsh. “You think that if that thing comes back after him, you’ll be able to stop it?”
Dean turned, his face a mask of fury. “How dare you?”
“Look at what it did to Sam. He’s got defenses mentally that you can’t even begin to pretend to, and look what it did to him? It’d tear through you and leave you a pile of nothing while it took what it wanted from Sam.”
The air was crackling with Dean’s anger, even John could feel it. John watched Sam’s eyes darting from Dean to Missouri. Sam pulled himself up slowly from the couch, leaning heavily on his walker. Dean came toward him instantly, but Sam held up a hand.
“Dean, I need to do this.”
“No. Not without me.”
They were quiet, staring at one another. John got the impression Sam was trying to reason with him mentally. Dean shook his head, glared at Missouri. “No. He goes, I go.”
Dean grabbed at the bags of food and stormed into the kitchen, slamming doors. Sam seemed to deflate a little, but he slowly made the few steps to Missouri and touched her hand. “I’ll talk to him.”
Missouri nodded, her face sad. She kissed Sam’s cheek. “I’ll be by in the morning.”
Sam nodded. “I’ll be ready.”
As the door closed, Sam sighed and looked at the couch. “I’m so tired of being so fucking tired. And helpless.”
“You’re not helpless.” John said, though he sounded as helpless as Sam felt.
Sam took a slow step toward the couch, but then leaned forward. “Could you…get me back to the couch?”
John nodded and came to stand behind him, pulling Sam’s body up against his own. They worked their way slowly to the couch and John lowered him down before moving the walker to the side.
“Thank you John, for everything.”
John inhaled sharply at the sound of his name and Sam dropped his head. “I’m sorry.” Sam said softly. “Dean told me…I just…”
John shook off the disappointment and moved to sit beside his son. “Don’t worry about it. It will all come back Sam. Let’s just get you better.”
“So, you think this retreat thing will work?” John asked when the silence had grown long and Dean hadn’t come back.
“She showed me stuff.” Sam said, then shook his head. “Sorry…words are…weird today. The place is beautiful.” He looked up at John, his eyes filled with worry. “I don’t want to go…but I know I have to.” He sighed and looked at the kitchen door. “I feel stuff slipping away…and I’m afraid I’ll lose it all.” His hand rubbed over his face. “What if I wake up one morning and can’t remember any of it…our life together? What if one day you’re all strangers to me?”
A single tear fell and Sam sniffed and shook his head. “I don’t want to lose anymore.”
Title: Losing Sam, Arc 3.1 (All Keeper Verse Here, including Arcs 1 & 2)
Rating: R
Word Count: 37,625 (total arc)
Pairings/Characters: Sam/Dean (long term established wincest), John, Dana (Dean's daughter) Missouri, OFC & OMC
Summary: Sam is recovering from the vicious attack...or is he?
A/Ns & Warnings: This story pics up after arc 2 as written by
shotofjack. It would never have happened without her. From the original concept to her beta, this fic owes a good amount to her. It isn't quite tomorrow here yet, but it will be soon...and I have no idea what time I'll crawl out of bed tomorrow, so I figured I'd post this first chapter now as a New Year's gift to Keeper fans. Expect a chapter a day until it is finished.“Go to work.” Sam rubbed a hand down a numb leg and watched Dean vacillate.
“Dad can handle it a few more days.” Dean said, putting the keys down.
“I can’t.” Aristotle shifted on the couch next to him to put her head in his lap. “I love you, but you need to go, at least for a few hours.”
Dean chewed on his lip and scooped up the puppy. “What about Remmy? He needs me, don’t you little guy?”
Sam sighed and rested his head on the back of the couch. “Seriously, Dean. Missouri’s coming over to work with me.”
Physically he improved every day, but mentally he seemed to have hit a plateau. Gaping holes remained in his memory and sometimes words were not his friend.
Dean made a face. “That mean you’ll be shutting this down?” touching his head to signify their connection.
Sam reached out and caressed him through the link. Just for a little while.
Dean hadn’t left the house in weeks, other than to walk the puppy and Aristotle.
Dean came to stand in front of Sam, puppy tucked under one arm. Let me give you a dose before I go.
Sam shook his head. “Already did, an hour ago. I don’t need it.” The daily energy Dean fed him helped, but Sam wondered if it wasn’t slowly draining Dean…if it weren’t becoming like a drug…okay when it was needed, but addictive and hard to break the habit.
Dean’s thumb brushed over Sam’s cheek and his lips pressed into his forehead. “I’ll be home by noon. I’m taking Remmy with me.”
Sam snorted. “John’s gonna love that.”
“Dad.”
Sam frowned. “What?”
“You said John, not Dad.”
Sam rubbed his head, trying to figure out what Dean was getting at. “When did I start calling him Dad?”
“A few years ago.” Dean’s face reverted to concerned. “You were calling him Dad yesterday, Sam. I’m staying.”
“Go. I’ll be fine. It’s just…a hole.”
“A new hole.” Dean countered, his face pinched and tight.
There was a knock on the door and Dean opened it, letting Missouri in. “That’s an awfully sour face so early in the day.” She cooed at Remmy and moved into the living room smiling at Sam. “How you feeling today?”
“He called Dad ‘John’.” Dean said, clearly fretting when he should be leaving.
“You let me handle that.” Missouri said, setting her purse on the coffee table.
Dean stood near the door with the squirming puppy under his arm and watched as Missouri pulled things out of her over-sized purse. Finally, she looked up. “I thought Sam said you were going to work so we could work without your hovering self getting in the way.”
“Fine. I’m going. But I’ll be home at noon.”
“Go on then, me and Sam got stuff to do.”
Dean snatched his keys and headed out.
Sam sighed, reaching after him with a tender caress, before he snipped the connection. Almost instantly the ache of its absence hit him, the pain of not having Dean right there making him want to reach for him again. He adjusted slowly to not having that crutch and when he opened his eyes, Missouri was watching him closely.
“Before we get started, Sam, I want to talk to you about something.”
“You sound serious.”
She nodded and stopped fussing with her candles, settling onto the couch and taking his hand. “I’m concerned about my ability to get you through this. There’s so much that needs doing in your head, and I’m worried that I don’t have the skill to do what needs doing.”
“You’re the best shot I’ve got Missouri. You’re…” He struggled to find the words, then gave up. “The best I know.”
She smiled gently. “I know. But I know some people. I’ve referred cases to them before. None near as challenging as you, but I think they can help.”
Sam wasn’t sure what to think about it. As far as he knew only Dana and Dean and Missouri had ever been in his head. “I…don’t know.”
She nodded. “I want you to think about it, okay Sam? And while you’re at it, I need you to think about Dean.”
“I rely on him too much.” Sam said softly, dropping his eyes. “I don’t know how not to Missouri.”
She patted his knee and stood. “You think on it later. Let’s get us into that head of yours.”
John looked up from the engine he was working on when he saw the light go on in Dean’s office. He hadn’t expected Dean to show up. He heard barking and rolled his eyes, dropping his rag and heading in to the office.
Dean was sitting in his chair, Remmy in his lap, staring at the wall.
“What’s wrong?”
Dean looked up, shaking his head. “Don’t want to be here.”
John snorted. “Then why are you?”
“Got kicked out. Missouri’s with Sam.”
John squinted at the blank expression, it was almost like it was when Sam was unconscious and Dean was exhausted. “What else?”
Dean wrinkled his nose and turned his chair. “I’m worried. He’s not getting better.”
“Dana said he managed a few steps without the walker.”
Dean shook his head. “Yeah, physically he’s better. It’s his head I’m worried about. He’s forgetting stuff.”
“Dana said it would take a while.”
“New stuff. I told him I was bringing Remmy with me and he said, ‘John’s going to love that’.”
John felt something inside him pinch. “He called me John?”
Dean nodded, scratching his head. “He didn’t remember ever calling you Dad.”
“Why are you here?”
Dean sighed and shook his head. “He didn’t want me there while they…do whatever it is they’re doing.”
Dean looked miserable.
“Why don’t you go home, I’ll be fine here without you.”
Remmy put his paws on Dean’s chest and licked his face. “I told him I’d be home at noon.”
John looked at the clock. “It’s eleven thirty. Let me wash up, and we’ll go together. We can bring him lunch. He’s always hungry when he’s done with that psychic stuff.”
Dean nodded absently and John went to wash his hands and pull off his coveralls. As hard as this had to be on Sam, it was eating Dean alive. And truthfully, the idea of Sam forgetting how much they’d bonded, even just the simple matter of calling him “Dad” made John sick inside.
Dean tossed him the keys and they headed out. He tried not to think about the last time he’d driven the Impala back to Dean’s house like this. It had been Aristotle in Dean’s lap, not the puppy, and they’d gotten home to devastation unlike anything he’d ever seen.
They’d nearly lost Sam…and John held no delusions. Without Sam, Dean wouldn’t have ever recovered.
He pulled them through a drive through, bought a mess of burgers and headed for the house. Dean was quiet beside him. Remmy was whining and licking Deans face most of the way.
Missouri was gathering her things as they came in the door. Sam was on the couch, half dozing. He opened his eyes, looking surprised. “Brought lunch.” John said, holding up the bags.
Dean put the puppy down and went to sit beside Sam. “I’m glad you’re home.” Sam said softly.
“You’re the one who told me to go.” Dean said, a slight tease in his tone.
Sam kissed him, then looked up at Missouri.
“You want to do this now?”
Sam nodded. John put the bags on the coffee table and looked to Missouri, his expression clearly telling her to speak up. She nodded and moved closer. “Sam and I have been talking. I think I’m about at my limit for helping him. He needs someone who knows about this kind of trauma, someone who does this kind of work.”
“I take it you know someone?” John asked.
She nodded. “Yes, I do. Actually, they run a retreat up north.”
John waited for Dean to respond, but he only seemed interested in holding Sam’s hand. It took a second to realize he was probably communicating with Sam through their link. “What sort of retreat?”
“It’s mostly a Buddhist retreat, they have a temple there…but they have a space reserved for work like this. It would be two adepts working with Sam twenty four hours a day, isolated from all other influences.”
“What about safety?”
“Safer than here. Trust me, nothing ugly is getting within a mile of the place.”
Dean made an odd sort of noise and cocked his head at Sam. “What gives?”
Sam sighed. “I just need some time alone in here after the work we did.” Sam said softly.
Dean looked hurt. “Let me help you.”
“You need to stop letting him be so dependent on you.” Missouri said brusquely. “Or he won’t ever get better.”
“Dean, have you listened to anything Missouri said?” Sam asked.
“Something about a retreat.” Dean looked up at her. “When, where?”
“I’ve already called and they’re preparing for Sam now. It will take about a day and a half drive.”
Dean nodded. “We can be ready to leave tomorrow.”
“No.” Missouri said adamantly.
Sam seemed to pull into himself further as Missouri shook her head. “Not you. Sam.”
“Sam can barely walk.” Dean said, standing up. There was anger in his eyes, sharp and raw. He rounded on Missouri, but she didn’t back down.
“I’ll drive him.” Missouri said. “You’ll stay here. Sam needs to do this without the crutches.”
“No. No fucking way.” Dean snapped. He paced to the window and back.
“Dean, Missouri’s ri—“
“No. No way in hell, Sam. Don’t tell me she’s right.” Dean shook his head. “No way in hell am I letting him go off to some touch-feely whackos I’ve never met without me.”
“Dean—“
“NO!” Dean moved away, hands on his hips.
“Dean Winchester, stop yelling and listen to what I’m telling you.” Missouri said, following him. “You need the break just as much as he needs to do this. Look at you.”
“I don’t need a break.” Dean said. “I need Sam with me. I need Sam where I can protect him.”
“Because you did that so well the first time?” Missouri said, her voice harsh. “You think that if that thing comes back after him, you’ll be able to stop it?”
Dean turned, his face a mask of fury. “How dare you?”
“Look at what it did to Sam. He’s got defenses mentally that you can’t even begin to pretend to, and look what it did to him? It’d tear through you and leave you a pile of nothing while it took what it wanted from Sam.”
The air was crackling with Dean’s anger, even John could feel it. John watched Sam’s eyes darting from Dean to Missouri. Sam pulled himself up slowly from the couch, leaning heavily on his walker. Dean came toward him instantly, but Sam held up a hand.
“Dean, I need to do this.”
“No. Not without me.”
They were quiet, staring at one another. John got the impression Sam was trying to reason with him mentally. Dean shook his head, glared at Missouri. “No. He goes, I go.”
Dean grabbed at the bags of food and stormed into the kitchen, slamming doors. Sam seemed to deflate a little, but he slowly made the few steps to Missouri and touched her hand. “I’ll talk to him.”
Missouri nodded, her face sad. She kissed Sam’s cheek. “I’ll be by in the morning.”
Sam nodded. “I’ll be ready.”
As the door closed, Sam sighed and looked at the couch. “I’m so tired of being so fucking tired. And helpless.”
“You’re not helpless.” John said, though he sounded as helpless as Sam felt.
Sam took a slow step toward the couch, but then leaned forward. “Could you…get me back to the couch?”
John nodded and came to stand behind him, pulling Sam’s body up against his own. They worked their way slowly to the couch and John lowered him down before moving the walker to the side.
“Thank you John, for everything.”
John inhaled sharply at the sound of his name and Sam dropped his head. “I’m sorry.” Sam said softly. “Dean told me…I just…”
John shook off the disappointment and moved to sit beside his son. “Don’t worry about it. It will all come back Sam. Let’s just get you better.”
“So, you think this retreat thing will work?” John asked when the silence had grown long and Dean hadn’t come back.
“She showed me stuff.” Sam said, then shook his head. “Sorry…words are…weird today. The place is beautiful.” He looked up at John, his eyes filled with worry. “I don’t want to go…but I know I have to.” He sighed and looked at the kitchen door. “I feel stuff slipping away…and I’m afraid I’ll lose it all.” His hand rubbed over his face. “What if I wake up one morning and can’t remember any of it…our life together? What if one day you’re all strangers to me?”
A single tear fell and Sam sniffed and shook his head. “I don’t want to lose anymore.”
