Losing Sam, Arc 3.3, Supernatural, Keeper!Verse, R

[phantisma]

Fandom: Supernatural, Keeper!Verse
Title: Losing Sam, Arc 3.3 (All Keeper Verse Here, including Arcs 1 & 2)
Rating: R
Word Count: 37,625 (total arc)
Pairings/Characters: Sam/Dean (long term established wincest), John, Dana (Dean's daughter) Missouri, OFC & OMC
Summary: Dean is angry, Aristotle wants to go with Sam and Sam leaves, even though he's scared.

A/Ns & Warnings: This story pics up after arc 2 as written by shotofjack. It would never have happened without her. From the original concept to her beta, this fic owes a good amount to her. Expect a chapter a day until it is finished.



Don’t be mad at me. Sam clung to Dean, his hand holding Dean’s shirt, his mind holding to Dean’s.

Not at you. Dean insisted.

Dean was pouring energy into him again, even though he didn’t ask, didn’t really want it. He was insistent about it. Sam let himself float on the currents of it, for a minute, less. It always made him warm, made him feel strong. He took a deep breath and pulled back.

Dean reached for him again, but Sam shook his head, put up a barrier inside. No, Dean. It has to stop.

Dean sat back physically, his eyes opening and seeking out Sam’s. “Why? It makes you feel better, it makes me happy. Why stop?”

“Because it’s hurting you.” Sam said. He kissed Dean’s lips lightly. “I want to talk…without you getting angry.”

Dean pressed his lips together, then nodded. “Let’s get you comfortable first. I’ll take you upstairs.”



Sam sighed as he settled on to the bed after Dean had helped him relieve himself and wash up and fight his way out of his clothes. His body was achy but not bad like it had been before. He worked at gathering his thoughts, watching Dean putz around the room, putting off the conversation neither one of them really wanted to have.

“Dean, come lay down.” Sam said finally, his voice sounding strained and tired. Dean drew in a deep breath and dropped his jeans before crossing to the bed and sliding in.

Sam let Dean pull him in, wrap his arm around Sam and Sam settled his head on his brother’s shoulder. “You know I don’t want to leave.” Sam said softly, tentatively.

“Then don’t.” Dean said…as if it was just that simple.

Sam nuzzled into his neck, kissing lightly along a path that led to his chest, then lifted his head. “I don’t want to, Dean…but I have to.” Dean closed his eyes and Sam could feel the anger, the fear welling up inside him. He opened their link and let his own fear flood his mind. “I’m scared Dean.”

Dean opened his eyes and looked at him. Sam held onto the fear. “I’ve been hiding it from you, but I’m afraid.”

“You’re doing so well, Sammy. You get better every day.” Dean said, his hand smoothing down Sam’s back.

“No, Dean. I don’t.” Sam pulled himself up until he was sitting. “You only see the stuff that is getting better. Every morning I wake up and something new is missing. Today I forgot about John-Dad. I lost years of my life with him.” Sam grabbed Dean’s hand, he needed Dean to understand. He opened the link full bore. “What if….what if tomorrow it’s Dana? What if it’s you? I could wake up and be him one day Dean. I could forget all about you…about who I am because of you. What if my body heals, but I don’t know you anymore?”

Tears squeezed out of his eyes. “I can’t let that happen. I can’t go back to that.”

Dean sat up and pulled Sam into a hug. “You won’t Sam. I’m here, I’ll remind you.”

Sam shook his head. “You can’t promise that Dean. Everyday you give me more and more of yourself…soon you won’t have anything left. If you have nothing left of you…and I’m not me anymore…what becomes of us?”

He shivered, holding to Dean physically as Dean held to him mentally. Don’t leave me Sam.

Sam swallowed a sob. If I don’t, I might never be me again.

Dean’s kiss was urgent, desperate. Can’t live without you.

Sam laid back, drawing Dean with him, pulling him inside and holding him. Need you to see. he said. It wasn’t the chaos it had been, but there were still large parts of himself that weren’t back to normal. Mentally, he pointed to a black spot. It wasn’t there before.

Dean moved closer, reaching into the inky dark. He shuddered. This is us…when Dana was small.

Sam nodded, pulling Dean back to him. This is me changing, Dean…this is me becoming…who I am. It’s fading. I’m fading.

Dean shook his head.

If I don’t go…I won’t be me…I won’t be the Sam that you love. He pushed them up and out. Dean was laying on top of him, kissing him. “Love me.” Sam whispered. There were tears on his face, and they weren’t all his. “Please, Dean…I need you…need you to love me, hold me…”

He moved his legs, felt Dean settle between them. “Please Dean…want you inside me one more time…so I don’t forget…don’t want to forget…”

Dean moved slowly, kissing his way over Sam’s chest, his tears leaving a trail of moisture. Sammy…

“Please Dean.”

Dean’s skin was warm was it slid over Sam’s, his fingers gentle as he eased the way. He never lifted his head from his solemn work of worshipping Sam’s chest, even as he moved inside him. It hurts so much. Feels like I’m losing you.

“I know it hurts. Hurts me too. Not losing me though. Never lose me.” Sam rubbed a hand down Dean’s arched back as he pushed inside. “More Dean…I want all of you.”

Love you like crazy.

“Dean…” Sam gasped as Dean moved inside him, as his lips burned over his nipple and up to his neck and moved in a path over scar tissue and burn marks. This was something he knew, something Sam remembered…this touch, this love…the way Dean marked him, touched the parts of him no one ever touched. Sometimes Sam could come just from that touch alone…but now, as Dean’s cock filled him Sam wanted more…wanted everything.

He reached inside him for a memory…for a night a long time before…it flooded him…flooded them. Dean gasped with the intensity…as it pulled his memory out and together they settled into that moment…that first time…when Sam had begged Dean to come inside him…and Dean had asked him to stay…and then Dean was coming, Sam gasping and his cock twitching as he did too.

They lay silently a while with Dean’s softening cock still inside him, with Dean’s head on Sam’s chest. Dean wouldn’t stop him from leaving, Sam knew that…but he wanted Sam to stay…he knew that too. Only this time, he didn’t say the word…just held Sam like he would be gone forever if he let go.



“Sam, you up?” Dana called from the hallway.

“Give me a minute, Dana.” Sam responded, struggling with his shoes. Dean came out of the bathroom and pulled the door open.

“Missouri called, she’s on her way.” She looked past Dean to Sam. “Breakfast is on the table, want me to help you downstairs?”

“I’ll do it.” Dean said, his voice tight.

Dana shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

Dean turned back to Sam, but didn’t say anything, just brought him the walker and helped him up. He slipped to one knee to re-tie Sam’s shoe then nodded. Sam moved toward the stairs with Dean behind him for support.

John appeared at the kitchen door with a cup of coffee. “What? Did you spend the night?” Dean asked as he got Sam to the bottom.

“Figured you’d need a hand.”

“We’re fine.”

Sam shrugged apologetically and kept moving toward the table. Dana skirted around him and put a cup of coffee at his place. “I packed your suitcase, got you some pillows for in the car.”

“Thank you Dana.” Sam sank into his chair and sighed with relief. She’d made pancakes with whipped cream instead of syrup. He pulled a finger through the smiley face she’d made on his and licked the whipped cream off. “Yummy.”

“I figured they’ll be feeding you hippy food…so you should have something decadent this morning.”

“You eating?” John asked Dean who had dropped into the seat beside Sam.

Dean shook his head. “Not hungry.” Sam could feel his eyes, would have even if he’d closed their connection completely.

He turned, brushing lips over Dean’s stubbly cheek. “Eat something.”

Dean just shook his head again. “You eat.”

“I’m going to go up and get your shaving kit and stuff.” Dana said, shoving a piece of bacon into her mouth. “Missouri said you need some personal stuff…something that’s you.”

Sam looked up at her. He wasn’t sure what that meant. “I have this.” He held up his hand, pointing to his ring. The ring Dean gave him.

“That’s good. I put one of the prom pictures in your bag too.” She started for the stairs, but Sam caught her arm.

He’d never told her, didn’t think even Dean knew. “In my room, in the trunk there’s a box. A shoe box. There’s…a small piece of blanket in it. Pink. I’d like that.”

She didn’t say anything thankfully, just rubbed a thought over him and nodded. There wasn’t much talking as the three of the Winchester men sat there. Sam concentrated on his plate, and the feeling of Dean’s hand on his thigh.

Dean’s hand tightened when the doorbell rang and John got up to let Missouri in. Sam pushed his chair back and went to stand, but Dean didn’t move. Sam pressed a kiss to his cheek. I’m going to be okay.

Dean didn’t meet his eyes. I’m not sure I will be.

Sam brushed a hand over his cheek. You have Dana and Jo—Dad. You’ll be fine. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up. I love you.

“I think I’ve got everything.” Dana said, setting a small duffle on top of his suit case.

“I’ll take it out to the car.” John said, grabbing the luggage.

Sam pulled himself up, licking his lips. He was scared. He reached for Dana and she came, her mind wrapping around his as her arms did the same. Her fingers deftly tucked the little remnant of baby blanket into his jeans pocket as she hugged him tight.

“You going to be okay getting into the dorms next week?”

She rolled her eyes. “Like you were going to be a help?”

He grinned at her. “I supervise better than anyone.”

“I’ll be fine.” Her smile dimmed a little and she hugged him again. “Want help?”

“Just stick close, in case.” She nodded and stepped aside as he turned back to Dean.

Dean stood and took Sam’s face in his hands. Come home to me Sam.

“I will.” Sam said softly. Dean’s lips pressed to his, chaste at first, then deepening as Sam parted his lips, inviting him to take more.

When they’d separated, Sam gripped his walker and started moving to the door. He could feel Dean’s anger ratcheting up again and turned just as Dean directed that anger at Missouri. He didn’t actually look at her, but there was no mistaking who he meant his words for.

“If anything happens to him, anything at all, there is nowhere you can hide from me.” He stalked away then, up the stairs, their bedroom door slamming shut.

“Well, he took that well.” Sam said with a sigh.

“He’ll be all right. Don’t you worry about him.” Missouri said, turning to follow him out onto the porch.

“Aristotle, get your ass out of the car.” John said as Dana floated Sam to the bottom of the porch stairs. Missouri’s car was parked at the curb, Sam’s suitcase and Aristotle on the back seat.

“How’d she get out?” Sam asked.

“She must have followed me.” John said, reaching in to take her collar. She pulled away so he couldn’t reach her.

Sam moved down the driveway slowly, then the sidewalk, until he was at the car. “Come on Ari, out of the car.”

She whimpered and he could almost swear she shook her head. “Great. I thought convincing Dean was the hard part.” He reached out for her mentally, getting a strong sense of fear and, quite unexpectedly, a really clear image of the thing that had attacked him. He sent back love and what he hoped was a sense of security. She put her head down on his suitcase.

“Come on girl. I need you to look after Dean for me.” She lifted her head, sniffed the air. The front door opened. Dean stood there with Remmy in his arms. Aristotle looked at Sam, then Dean and slowly got up and out of the car. Sam scratched behind her ears and sent her scurrying toward the house with a tap on her backside.

“Keep an eye on your Dad, even after you get moved in, okay?” Sam said to Dana. “He’s…not okay.”

“I’ll be here as often as I can.” Dana said.

“Don’t worry about us, Son.” John said, holding Sam’s door. “We’ll be fine. You go and get better.”

Sam nodded. “Yeah, okay. I’m going.” He reached out one last time for Dean and maneuvered himself into the passenger seat of the car. Dana folded up his walker and put it in the backseat. John shut the door and that was that. Sam let his connection with Dean slide away and sighed.

“You ready?” Missouri asked as she started the car.

“Would it matter if I said no?”

She smiled and pulled out on the street. He wondered if she had any idea how terrified he was.


Dean watched the car leave, felt Sam slip away. Dana was the first one back onto the porch. She opened her mouth to say something, but he raised a hand.

“I’m not talking to you.”

“Oh, that’s mature.” She brushed past him.

He looked at John as he came to the stairs. “I can’t go after him. But someone needs to. I’m pissed as hell with you…but…I need you to go watch over him.”

John scratched at his beard and nodded. “Was already planning to. Truck’s loaded with camping gear. What about the garage?”

“I’ll handle it.”

“You sure?”

Dean nodded slowly. “Just keep him safe, Dad.”



Missouri pulled the car to a stop and put it in park. Sam looked at the gates, then at her. “This is it?”

She nodded. “I’ll take you in. Introduce you to Ally and Inda. I’ll stay while they do the evaluation.”

“Then you leave.” Sam nodded. He hadn’t actually expected her to stay.

“You’ll do better without the distraction, Sam.” Her hand closed over his. “You need the space to not have to pretend anything or live up to any expectations.”

He blew out slowly. “It feels good.”

“We’re already over the first of the wards. Once we pass those gates, there’s nothing in heaven or hell that could get to you with the permission of those that guard this place.”

He wasn’t sure if that made him feel any better. He had no idea what to expect. Outside of Dana and Missouri his only contact with other adepts were…bad. That word didn’t cover it, but words were not being friendly. He let it go as Missouri started them forward again. She pressed a button and a warm feminine voice greeted her, the gates gliding open.

The dirt lane that led from the gates into the compound was smooth. They rolled along it and Sam could feel the peace of the place. It was warmer than he expected as he opened his door and put his feet on the ground. He stood, testing his strength. The long car ride had him cramped up and achy, but his legs held him.

Missouri brought him his walker and he moved out from the car. The parking lot had a few cars, and a trail led away into the trees where he could just see a building. If he closed his eyes he could feel them…about six people all together, not including Missouri and him. “Quiet,” he murmured.

“The better for meditation, Mr. Winechrest.”

Sam turned, a little surprised that she had managed to sneak up on him. She smiled warmly, pressing her palms together and bowing. “My apologies, I thought you were aware of me.”

Sam inclined his head. “I was admiring the…place.” He shook his head. He hadn’t had so much trouble with words in a while. He blamed it on the rough night sleeping in the car.

She came closer, turning her attention to Missouri. Sam got the sense that they were communicating telepathically. He used the time to evaluate her. She was small, thin…her head shaved, but her features very soft, feminine. She was in a faint blue robe and sandals. She turned to him again and he could feel her sweep over him. She drew in a deep breath and reached a hand to his on his walker.

“I stand corrected, Mr. Winchester. I am Ally. My partner awaits us inside.”

She turned and walked up the path. Sam hesitated only momentarily before he set off after her. As he made the slight bend in the path, his breath caught in his throat. The building seemed to be formed out of the living forest, the roof covered in leaves, the walls the same dirt brown and grassy green of the surrounding ground. There were three stairs up to a porch. Sam eyed them and swallowed. He hadn’t tried even porch stairs on his own.

He looked at Ally who stood on the porch watching him. She was testing him. Problem was, he didn’t know what kind of test it was. Sam got to the step and pushed his walker to the side. He put a hand on the railing and picked up one foot. He put it on the step and shifted his weight. It took him a moment to trust that it would hold him and pulled himself up. Three stairs. He could manage three stairs.

Sam was panting as he got to the top. Missouri was oddly quiet as she placed his walker in front of him. Ally raised an eyebrow. “Yes, I see what you mean.” She inclined her head to Missouri, then turned and headed inside. Sam was sweating and shaking as he followed.

They moved through an open lobby and into a spacious room with natural wood floors dotted with meditation mats. A man in similar blue robes and shaved head was bowing to an altar filled with candles and incense. He rose slowly and turned. He quirked an eyebrow at Sam, then bowed to Missouri. “It is pleasant to see you again, Sister.”

“Inda, this is the man I spoke to you about.”

He nodded, his eyes and senses sweeping over Sam. “Yes, I can see. Samuel, the heart of a god, cursed with the body of a man.” He snapped his fingers. “Manny, we shall need the evaluation room prepared.”

Sam was surprised when a young man seemed to step out of the wall, his robes the same color as the paneling. He bowed low and walked soundlessly out of the room.

“Come, we will sit and we can explain what will come.” He gestured to his right and the door that led into an office of sorts. Sam sank gratefully into a seat, Missouri standing behind him as Inda and Ally sat. “Tell us Samuel, why you have come?”

Sam looked up at Missouri, then at the two of them. “Well…I was…attacked by a…” He shrugged. Truth was, he didn’t really know, even now, what it was. “Well, we assumed it was a demon…but it wasn’t like any demon I’ve ever dealt with.”

“And have you dealt with many demons?” Ally asked, her voice light.

Sam squirmed. “More than my share.” He took a deep breath. “It ripped me up…physically, mentally. I can’t…my body is healing slowly, but my mind…it’s not.”

Inda drew in a breath and Sam got a sense that he was looking into him. “And you believe we can help you?”

“Honestly? I don’t know.” Sam said. “And I’m terrified of you. But I’m more terrified of what I’m losing. I’ve worked hard to be the man I am…if all that work is torn away, I’ll be left as someone I don’t want to be.”

Ally nodded, then stood. “Manny is ready.” She turned to Sam. “I will escort you into the room. You will remove your clothing, and jewelry. You will find a white robe on the table. Put it on. Lay on the table and relax. Meditate if you can. Inda and I will need to enter your mind. It will be less painful for you if you can center yourself.”

“I’ll be right here, Sam.” Missouri said softly, squeezing his shoulder.

Sam nodded and got up, following Ally out of the office and down a long hall. The room she escorted him into was fairly small, a padded table in the center, and shelves lined with candles around the walls. She showed him a drawer in the wall. “Put your things here. They will be ready for you when you leave.”

She paused and touched his right hand, his wrist. “I realize that hiding your scars makes you feel stronger, Samuel, but the truth is stronger than the glamour ever could be.” Her fingers stroked over the leather of the talisman and he squinted at it. He didn’t even remember putting it on.

He nodded and she withdrew. The fingers of his left hand rubbed over the worn leather and worked under the edge, popping it off. He watched as smooth skin bubbled and lifted, as white became angry red. He dropped the leather bracelet into the drawer and sighed.

Something about Ally was comforting, but the two of them together was unsettling. He sensed no malice from either of them…only an almost indifferent vibe. He peeled off his shirt and toed off his shoes. Getting dressed and undressed had been difficult all week, and sometimes he got halfway and couldn’t remember which way he was going.

Now though, he managed, even if he almost went over backwards as he picked his jeans up off the ground. He got them into the drawer and looked down at the only thing that remained.

It hadn’t been there long. A year…a little more than that. It hadn’t been as dramatic as when Sam gave Dean his ring. He remembered he was in the tub when Dean put it on his finger. He remembered he was hurting…but happy. He twisted the ring around the finger. It marked him. Told the world he belonged to Dean Winchester.

He tugged at it, slipping it up his finger, his gut twisting. It felt wrong to take it off, like he was leaving Dean all over again. He reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out the tiny bit of blanket. It had been Dana’s…it still smelled like her. He settled the ring into the fabric and kissed the cool metal. “I love you both.”

He wrapped the blanket scrap around the ring and set them into the drawer, then turned for the robe. It took him a moment to maneuver it enough to get into it, then to arrange it to lay comfortably over his body. It didn’t do much to make him feel less naked.

He got himself up on the table and laid down, stretching and shifting until he was comfortable. Meditate, she said. He used to do that a lot. At least he kind of remembered doing it. He took a deep breath and settled his hands on his chest, willing his mind to stop whirling around the randomly firing memories.

Dana’s fifth birthday, with chocolate cake on the ceiling because she’d tried to help him with it. Aristotle giving birth in his closet. Dean giving him the ring. His father and a coyote. Sam took another deep breath and other memories surfaced. The punishment closet. The temple floor. The taste of blood.

He opened his eyes. Dean. He should concentrate on Dean. He closed his eyes again and breathed in deep. Dean’s lips. His eyes. Slowly, Sam centered, his breathing evened out. Warmth flooded him, the comfort of home, the feeling of love. He breathed in again and slowly out. Better. He centered again and let himself fall into a light meditative state.

He felt Ally first, her touch light. Inda’s was a little firmer.

I am going to protect you, the core of you, while Inda examines you. Do you understand?

Sam could already feel her circling him with light, isolating him from the chaos in his mind. Yes.

Physically, he felt her hand touching his face, her thumb against his temple, her middle finger against his chin. Float with me, Samuel.

Little by little, he let go of his death grip and let her draw him up and away from himself. He was aware of Inda moving inside him, of his hands examining Sam’s body while his mind examined Sam’s mind.

He didn’t know how long they floated, but eventually Ally was settling him back into himself. When he opened his eyes, Inda was gone and Ally smiled down at him. “You did very well, Samuel.” She brushed the back of her hand over his forehead. “So much pain. So much darkness.”

For some reason the tone of her voice brought tears to his eyes. She smiled softly. “Gather yourself. We will take you to the sanctuary shortly.”


Missouri paced around the office waiting. It had been nearly two hours. When the door opened, she turned. Inda nodded, folding his hands inside his robe before coming to stand beside her.

“I can not tell what did this, but it was not the work of a demon. There is no lingering mark of that type of evil, at least not from the latest trauma,” Inda said softly. “He should have been brought to us long ago.”

“He wouldn’t have come, he’s stubborn. I did the best I could.”

Inda nodded, offering her a smile. “You did well. It concerns me that such power could reside in such a man.”

“He thinks that whatever did this was after that power.”

“Perhaps.”

“Can you help him?”

Inda nodded. “It will take time. We must start soon, before the damage worsens. You should go make your farewells. I will have Manny bring his things.”

“What should I tell his family?”

Inda drew a deep breath. “Tell them that we will do what can be done to salvage his mind, but that it will depend upon his own will to be healed. The work required will be difficult, and his trust tested. He must become as a child and grow to be a man again.”