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phantismaFandom: Supernatural
Title: cado in nusquam (fragilis innocentia) (Part One, cado in nusquam, Part two, haud sileo pro scelestus, Part Three, angelus in meus umerus humerus, Part Four, lapsus ex venia)
Pairing/Characters: Sam, Dean, Ruby, Alistair, Castiel, Uriel, Anna, John
Rating: A very serious NC-17
Word Count: 4666
Summary: Dean died and went to hell, while Sam was left to carry on without his brother. Sam now attempts to adjust to having his brother back, and what that means, and what Dean isn't telling him, all while hiding a few secrets of his own. This continues the story in Sam's POV, and is a rough re-write of episodes nine and ten.
Warnings: This is maybe the darkest thing I've ever written, and those of you who have read my work know I don't say these things lightly. This at the very least rivals the "P!Verse"...in some ways it goes darker places than that. There is rape/non-con, dub-con, there is torture, both physical and mental. And while the parts since part 2 haven't necessarily been as dark as the first two, they are still plenty dark and this will go very, very dark again in the last chapters.
A/Ns: This began as a comment fic prompt that simply wouldn't leave me alone. Then I was surrounded by dirty, filthy enablers (I'm eyeing![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
varkelton and denyce specifically here). I haven't seen fandom really address the issue of John and his year in hell in light of Dean's revelation that 4 months was like 40 years...and if Dean broke in 30 years, how much longer could John have held out? And so, canon blew that theory away, but in my opinion it really doesn't feel genuine, so... In my mind for this, John escapes hell in "All Hell Breaks Loose" but isn't necessarily the John we remember...and what happens after he kills his enemy is murky at best...what if he was just far enough gone that he never could come back? I've been told my Latin grammar sucks. I realize this. I'm mostly using an online translator to get something aproximating what I want it to be.
Art provided byfallen_for_lost.
Sam eased the door open and slipped into the room, his eyes darting around before falling on the place where his brother lay sleeping. The room had a vague smell of sex and that lingering feeling of demon that he was becoming all too accustomed to after all the time he spent with Ruby.
Dean was fully dressed, his jacket pulled over him, like he expected to run at any moment. His hands twitched, and if Sam tried he could probably feel the nightmares his brother still tried to deny.
He insisted he didn't remember. Told Sam whenever he asked, but Sam knew different. Sam saw the tremors in his hands, heard his whimpering when he dreamed, watched him drink whiskey from the bottle at nine in the morning. Dean remembered something.
Not that Sam could blame him for keeping it a secret, not with all the secrets Sam was keeping. He dropped his coat on the bed Dean wasn't sleeping on and kicked off his shoes, heading in to shower off his own smell of sex.
They were going to have to move fast, if Ruby's information was correct. He stripped down and climbed in under the weak spray, washing quickly and stepping out to towel off. He waited until he was partially dressed, clean jeans pulled on and a t-shirt in hand before kicking the bed. "Dean, wake up."
Dean jumped awake, knife in his hand as he sat up. "Sam?"
"Yeah, got us a case, lets roll."
"What? Where?"
"Few hours from here. A girl escaped a psych ward."
Dean dropped the knife and fished his bottle out of his jacket pocket, taking a sip. "How is that a case for us?"
"Her name is Anna Milton, and she's got some heavy duty price on her head."
Dean sipped at the bottle again before capping it and shoving it into his jacket. "Where'd you get this?"
Sam sighed and finished getting dressed. "Dude, seriously. Does it matter?"
"Hell yes, it matters, Sam. We ain’t goose chasing after some chick, who for all we know doesn’t even exist, just because your hell-bitch girlfriend tells us to."
Sam turned away, not wanting to rise to the argument that always erupted when Dean and Ruby entered the same conversation. "She says the girl's important, and that demons have orders to take her alive."
"And you're believing her?"
"I already called the hospital, and Anna Milton is real and she did escape. It's about a three day drive, so we gotta hustle."
Dean squinted at him, crossing his arms. "Don’t mean the case is real."
"We’ve driven further for less, Dean." Sam said
Dean shook his head, but started gathering his things. The look on his face told Sam all he needed to know about what Dean thought about that. "You got something to say, say it."
"Oh, I’m saying it. This sucks." Dean stormed out of the room and unlocked the car.
"You’re not pissed we’re going after the girl, you’re pissed Ruby threw us the tip."
"I'm pissed because I don't know what she's playing at Sam. I'm pissed because you haven't sent her packing like you said you would. As far as you’re concerned, the hell bitch is practically family." He slammed the door of the car as Sam threw his bags into the back seat. "I'm saying, something major must have happened while I was downstairs, cause I come back and- and- and you’re BFF with a demon?"
Sam feels the disapproval and guilt rolling off his brother. "I told you Dean, she helped me go after Lilith."
"Well, thanks for the thumbnail, real vivid. You wanna fill in a little detail?" Dean pulled them onto the road, even though he didn't really know where they were going.
Sam felt anger bubbling up inside him, because Dean was demanding, but he wasn't being upfront and honest either. "Sure, Dean, let’s trade stories. You first. Want to tell me, how was hell? Don’t spare the details."
Dean glared at him, but Sam was just getting started. "What about that guy? Wanna tell me who it is you've been meeting up with while I'm with Ruby? Or why you always smell like sex when I get back?"
"Sam, I'm warning you…don't go there."
"No? Fine. You keep your secrets, I'll keep mine."
Dean was even more pissed now, his face tight, his hands gripping the steering wheel tight, his eyes on the road stretched out ahead of them. Sam turned to look out the passenger side window and tried to ignore the burning in his chest.
He's sloppy, drunk, wasted on grief and loneliness and guilt as he buries the damn box, screaming into the night. "Come on!"
He turns around and around, waiting, expecting. "Where the hell are you?"
He chugs from the bottle in his hand, anger welling. "Fuck!" He throws the bottle and it crashes against the stop sign, shattering before Sam notices the man standing in the small puddle of light from the bus stop lamp post.
"I was wondering whether to come or not, I mean, you did shoot one of my co-workers." The man's eyes flash red as Sam stumbles closer. "Don’t take this the wrong way Sam, but you don’t look so hot buddy. I guess burying your brother didn’t agree with you."
Sam blinks at him, throwing his arms open wide, giving himself up. "Here I am…take me."
"Let’s see that special little knife of yours first."
Sam holds up Ruby's knife and slams it on the giant wooden spool left standing beside the bus benches. "No Devil’s Traps either, I’m not here to play games." The world was wobbly as Sam waited, arms still spread wide.
The demon comes out of the light and starts moving toward Sam slowly. "Well, let me guess, you want to make a deal? And ‘round and ‘round the Winchester’s go." His mocking cuts open wounds deeper and Sam wants to grab the knife and twist it in his belly, crack him open and bleed him dry. It's a small echo of what Dean is going through…a small connection to his brother. "Sorry Sam, that’s not gonna happen."
Sam curses under his breath, nodding. He should have known. Damn, fucking demons. In one fast motion Sam slams the knife down into the demon's hand, pinning it to the wooden spool. The demon tries to grab Sam, but he's had enough games and twists the other hand, crushing it against the wood. "I don’t want ten years, I don’t want one year, I don’t want candy, I just wanna trade places with Dean."
This shouldn't be so hard. Dean was there because of Sam, Sam should be able to buy his way out.
"No."
"Just take me! It’s a fair trade!"
"No." The damn thing is smiling at him, lips curling up.
"Why not? Lilith wants me dead, just let Dean go and she can have me."
"Tell me Sam…what do you remember about being dead?"
Sam blinks, shakes his head. "What?"
"Don’t you understand Sam? It’s not about your soul. Dean’s in hell, right where we want him, just like you're here…right where we want you. We’ve got everything exactly the way we want it. You wanna kill me?! Go ahead, I’ve made peace with my lord."
The information they picked up at the hospital and the dead bodies they find at the girl's home are enough to convince Dean that maybe Ruby has a point about the girl. They find her at a church, scared, hiding.
"Anna? We’re not gonna hurt you, we’re here to help." He held up his gun and showed her he was putting it away. She stared at him, fidgeting in place, her eyes dancing back and forth from Sam to Dean. "My name is Sam, this is my brother Dean."
"Sam? Not Sam Winchester."
Sam looked at Dean who shrugged. "Uh- yeah."
She stepped out of the shadows into the pool of colored light coming in through the stained glass window, still looking scared and unsure of herself. "And you’re Dean."
Dean looked from her to Sam and back again, tucking his own gun into his belt. He opens his mouth to respond, but clearly is at a loss.
"The Dean?
Dean smirked. "Well, yeah…The Dean…I guess."
Sam rolled his eyes and focused on the girl.
"It’s really you." She moved forward, her hands rubbing together, her eyes sparkling. "Oh my God, the angels talk about you. You were in hell, but Castiel pulled you out and some of them think you can help save us." She looked at Sam almost apologetically. "And some of them don’t like you at all."
Sam almost steps backward, the dislike profound even in just her voice, though it isn't coming from her. She doesn't seem to necessarily agree with the sentiment, just can't keep from reverberating it.
"They talk about you all the time lately, I feel like I know you."
"So you talk to angels?" Dean asked, glancing at Sam again. Sam was half sure that glance was an "I told you so" about the psychic shit and it being wrong, but Sam sloughed it off. Now was not the time for more of that…not when that might be the only thing to save them in the end.
"Oh, no, no, no way, um, they probably don’t even know I exist. I just kind of overhear them."
"You overhear them?" Sam asked, not sure now if the girl really was just crazy.
"Yeah, they talk and sometimes I just hear them in my head."
"Like…right now?" Dean stepped a little closer and this time she didn't shy back into the shadows.
"Not right this second, but a lot, and I can’t shut them out there are so many of them."
"So they lock you up with a case of the crazies when really you were just tuning into to angel radio?"
"Yes, thank you." She looked relieved that someone believed her, if not relieved that it was the two of them that found her.
"Anna, when did the voices start? Do you remember?" Sam asked, trying to make sense of the whole thing.
"I can tell you exactly, September 18th."
"The day I got out of hell." Dean responded, shaking his head.
Anna nodded frantically. "First words I heard, clear as a bell: ‘Dean Winchester is saved'."
Sam could feel movement, demon…Ruby. He realized Dean was waiting for him to answer a question he didn't hear. "It’s above my paygrade man."
"Well, at least now we know why the demons want you so bad. They get ahold of you, they can hear everything the other side’s cooking, you’re 1-900-Angel."
Anna opened her mouth to say something, but the door slammed open and Ruby burst in, making Anna scream.
"You got the girl, good, let’s go."
"Oh! Her face! She's not human."
"No, it’s okay, she’s here to help." Sam said, reaching out to Anna who cringed away.
"We have to hurry." Ruby said, waving them toward the door.
Dean crossed his arms, standing between Ruby and Anna. "Why?"
"Because there's a demon coming big-time. We can fight later Dean."
Sam wasn't convinced Dean was going to back off, and he shielded Anna with his body. When the two of them finally threw off the gloves, it was going to be a bloody fight.
"Pretty damn convenient, showing up right when we find the girl with some big wig on your tail." Dean's gun was back in his hand, his eyes darting around the room.
"I didn’t bring him here, you did. Followed you from the girl's house. We gotta go now."
"Too late." Sam said, feeling the creepy sensation climb up his spine. "It's already here."
Dean moved toward Sam, who grabbed Anna and heads toward a door. He put her in a closet. "Okay, stay in there, don’t move."
The poor girl looked terrified. Sam wanted to reassure her, but Dean needed him, and he had a job to do.
Sam pulled a bottle of holy water out of his pocket as he rejoined Dean, but Ruby was already shaking his head. "No Sam, you gotta pull him right away."
"Whoa, hold on a sec-" Dean scowled at Sam.
"Now’s not the time to bellyache about Sam going darkside. He does his thing, he exorcises that demon or we die."
There isn't time to argue then as the door flew open, cracking down the middle and shaking the room. Sam's had reaches out, waiting until he could feel him. He stepped back as a man appeared, eyes closing as he pulled at the demon inside him.
He felt the resistance as it fought to stay inside, powerful. Strong. There. There's the smallest give and Sam pulled harder, the man choking as the demon started to come out.
He knew in an instant it wasn't enough, opened his eyes just in time to see his eyes go white as he coughed and cocked his head at Sam. "That tickles."
Ruby looked at him with fear in her eyes. Sam knew how she felt.
"You don’t have the juice to take me on Sam." He made a fist in Sam's direction, yanking him forward and into the door, sending him crashing toward the stairs.
"Hello again Dean." Sam heard as he crawled up the stairs, trying to get back to protect Dean and Anna. "Come on, don’t you recognize me? Oh I forgot, I’m wearing a pediatrician…But we were so close, in hell."
Dean was bleeding, his face a mess of fear and anger and blood as the demon held him by the throat, fist back to hit him again.
"Alistair." Sam heard the name and shivered. He had heard the name mumbled in sleep, in dreams, falling from Dean's lips in a combination of fear and lust. Alistair laughed and Sam took his distraction as the moment to strike, running at the demon with Ruby's knife. Alistair turned to confront him, taking the blade full in the chest.
"You’re gonna have to try a whole lot harder than that son."
Ruby was nowhere to be seen and Alistair was grabbing the knife in his chest. Sam reached for Dean and together they raced for the window, crashing through the glass and slamming into the ground below.
Sam whirls to find his father behind him. He swallows and lifts the shotgun in his hands. "Are you going to shoot me Sam? Your own father?"
"My father is dead." Sam says, his hands sweating, his heart pounding. He knows this isn't real. His father is dead. This is just his mind, his guilt.
"That's right. You didn't stop me from dying either, did you Sammy? Let me make that deal, let me die and go to hell. Just like you let Dean die. Just like you let Dean take your place in hell."
Sam shakes his head, can't keep himself from answering. "I didn't make that deal. Dean did."
He comes closer, his hand closing on the end of the gun. "You let him die. He didn't deserve that Sam. He didn't deserve the things they did to him down there. You're the one who's part demon. You're the one who belongs in hell."
Sam shakes his head again, tears falling from his eyes. "No…no…don't say that."
"You're the one sleeping with a demon, Sam…feeding on her…she's walking you right up to the gates of hell and she won't even have to work to get you inside…then your brother will have died in vain."
"I'm helping him. Someone's got to be strong enough."
His father's smile is frightening. "Is that what you believe Sammy?"
Sam was pacing. Alone in the cold barn while Dean and Anna were…well, he didn't want to think too much about that. His brother deserved a little warmth and tenderness and he wasn't going to get in the way.
Ruby slid into the barn, slipping her arms around him and smiling up at him. "You ready?"
Sam made a face and pushed her away. "No, Ruby. This is…" He shook his head. "If Dean knew…"
She grabbed him and pushed him onto a bale of hay, straddling his lap and pulling a knife out of her boot. "He's busy with the littlest angle out there…won't even know we're here for at least a half hour." Her teeth nip at his lips until he opens them and her tongue invades his mouth, her body writhing on top of him, grinding against him.
She sighed when she realized he wasn't going to reciprocate and looked at him. "You're going to need it when Alistair and his boys come looking."
Sam closed his eyes and nodded. "I know."
She smiled and lifted the knife, dragging it over her arm before offering it to Sam. He took a deep breath, swallowing the lump of doubt in this throat. He was only doing this to save Dean. He closed his eyes and closed his mouth over the wound, the copper-salt taste filling his mouth and he drank.
He panted as he pulled his mouth away and wiped it on his sleeve. "Enough." He could feel it in his stomach, burning and not-right, bubbling up through him, awakening the power, strengthening his gifts.
Ruby patted his chest and stood. "Right…time for me to go make nicey-nice with the bad boys. I hope for your sake this actually works."
"Yeah." Sam said standing as the energy from the blood started to burn through him. "Me too."
"You think you can save him this way?"
Sam closes his eyes against the slamming sensation that always accompanies the angel, like his entire being is being shoved into the nearest hard surface. "You sure as hell aren't." Sam manages as his breath returns.
"I pulled him from hell."
"Physically, maybe." Sam agrees, rolling his shoulders.
Castiel looks at him, through him, his gaze hot, but still distant somehow. "He walks a dangerous line, Sam. A very dangerous line."
Sam gets the feeling that Castiel is warning him, that there's something more that he's supposed to glean from the words. "You could cut him some slack. He was in hell." Sam wants to walk away, but doesn't.
"And the road he's on will take him back all too soon." Castiel flicks his eyes over Sam. "You will be joining him if you continue as you are."
"I'm…" Sam set his jaw and shakes his head. "Maybe if we were getting some goddamn help instead of you trying to kill some innocent girl—"
He holds up those two fingers between them and Sam inhales sharply. "Not all things are as they appear, Samuel. Not everyone is who they seem to be." Those fingers press to his forehead and Sam jumps awake.
"I'm sorry."
"No, you're not." Anna replies, stepping out from behind Dean.
Sam's eyes flicked from the angel, who showed no signs of the conversation Sam isn't even sure they had, then to the door. Ruby needed to show up soon, or this was never going to work.
Just as he thought that, the door burst open and Alistair, still wearing the pediatrician, throws Ruby to the floor. She was hurt, bleeding. Sam could smell the blood. He shook his head as the fight started, needing to get his head in the game.
Castiel was fighting with Alistair while Uriel snarled and took on the other two demons. Dean threw himself into the fray before Sam could grab him, going after Alistair, and Anna darted away from him, grabbing at Uriel as the two demons vanished.
"Oh, Dean…you had such promise." Alistair's voice dripped charm as his head dripped blood and Castiel struggled to his feet while Dean dangled from Alistair's grasp.
"Now, Sam, now!" Ruby screamed and Sam reached out for him, hand out, eyes half closed as he pulled at the demon. Dean yelled at him, then Sam felt Alistair retaliating, his throat closing off as he was lifted off the ground.
There was a booming sound and bright light filled the barn as Anna's grace filled her and then there was a flash of light and Alistair was gone, Sam and Dean thrown to the floor in a pile of aching limbs.
"We aren't done with this."
"We are for now." Castiel looked at Sam, his blue eyes startling, and Sam could hear his voice in his head. "Remember what I said." Sam blinked and they were gone, and so was Ruby, leaving just Sam and Dean.
The silence was tense as they cleaned up and headed out to the car. The trip to the nearest motel is just as silent and just as tense. "Dean, I—"
Dean held up his hand. "Not now."
Sam sighed. "No? When?"
"When I'm not so fucking pissed at you."
"Me?" Sam followed him into the room, throwing his bag on the nearest bed. "How is this about me?"
"You and those freaky ass powers…you told me you weren't doing it anymore."
"Well, excuse me if I was trying to save your fucking life."
"You know what Castiel said about it, Sam."
"Yeah, I know, Dean. I know. Okay. And maybe I still think it's the right thing to do. Maybe it means keeping you from a return trip to the pit, and maybe I think that's worth it."
"Worth what, Sam? Worth taking the goddamn trip yourself?"
"If that's what it takes."
Dean growled as he shoved Sam into the wall, his hands in Sam's shirt, his face curled up in pain and rage. "No. No. No. I'm doing everything I can to keep you out of there, Sam. Everything I do is to save you. Don't you get that?"
"Maybe you should have thought about that before you made your deal." Sam said quietly.
Dean swallowed and his grip loosened. "What does that mean?"
Sam shook his head. "I was dead, Dean."
Dean let go and stood back. "You said you didn't remember."
"So did you." Sam reached for him, but Dean pulled away. "I know you do."
"I can't do this." Dean stormed out the door, slamming it behind him and leaving Sam standing in the empty room. Alone. Again.
He waited nearly an hour, but his stomach twisted around the way Dean had looked at him when he realized that Sam knew at least some of what he'd been keeping secret.
Knowing Dean, he'd headed for the nearest bar, so he shouldn't be hard to find. Sam set out from the hotel, remembering the biker bar they'd passed on the way into town. It was just past the small cemetery.
He was nearly there when he heard Dean yelling…not entirely in pain, but enough that Sam stopped, his eyes scanning around him. It seemed to come from within the cemetery.
Sam jumped the low wall and crept through the dark. There was another voice, deeper, gruffer. There was grunting and Dean…whimpered, cursed. Sam inched around a tree, stopping cold as the sound of skin slapping against skin rose to a crescendo then stopped with a grunt and a yell and the smell of sex rode the light breeze toward him.
"Dean…"
The man was big, at least as tall as Sam and broader at the shoulders and hips. He grinned as he turned toward Sam, his cock slick and shiny and still hard hanging out of his jeans. Dean slid down the tombstone he'd been bent over, his face bruising, his arm holding his chest.
The man's eyes went black as he laughed. "Sammy…I was wondering when I'd get to see you." His hand went to circle his cock, pumping it a little. "I got plenty left, want to go a round?"
Sam snarled, lifting his hand. He grabbed at the demon and yanked, watching the man's face look startled as he choked.
"Sam!" Dean crawled forward, got to his feet, pulling his jeans up and getting between Sam and the demon. "Sam, stop."
Sam's eyes flashed at Dean. "Get out of the way!"
Dean shook his head and took a step forward. "No, Sam. You can't—"
"He fucking raped you." Sam yelled as the man laughed.
"And he liked it, didn't you Dean-o? Go on, tell him." The man stepped forward, slapping at Dean's ass. "Cat got your tongue, Son?"
Dean half turned to growl at him, but the demon was done, black smoke roaring out of the biker and dropping him unconscious on the ground. Dean lowered his head and stood…just stood staring at him.
"Dean…" Sam took a hesitant step, but stopped when Dean stiffened. "I could have…"
Dean looked up, tears sparkling in his eyes. "He…that was…"
"You knew him…from…before. In hell?"
Dean moved to a different headstone, leaning against it and crossing his arms. "Yeah…you could say that, Sam. He was there…when Alistair…" Dean wiped away a tear and exhaled slowly. "You gotta understand Sam…it was more than just four months…I mean…up here it was four months, but there, time is different. It was…more like forty years."
Sam held his breath, held himself still, afraid that Dean would stop…afraid he might just tell him too.
"They…uh…they sliced, and they carved…and tore at me in ways that you…" He shook his head, the memory filling his eyes, the pain rolling off him almost overwhelming to Sam's heightened senses. "Until there was nothing left." His voice is cold, like he could keep it from tearing him apart if he could just keep it distant enough, but Sam could feel the break coming.
"And then suddenly, I would be whole again. Like magic…so they could start in all over." Dean shifted uncomfortably. "And he was there. He was part of it. He…fucked with my head while they…and he fucked me when they were done…"
Dean shivered, his eyes losing focus as he turned his head. "Alistair, at the end of every day, he came and he made me an offer. Every day. To take me off the rack, if I would…put souls on. If I started the torture. And I told him to stick it where the sun shines. Every time. For thirty years, I told him."
Dean's voice cracked and he stood, rubbing his hands over his arms. "And he would hold me and whisper to me and tell me to let go." Somehow, Sam knew Dean meant the demon that had just been here. "Sometimes, he was…almost gentle. Told me I could find pleasure, that he would take care of me."
His shoulders were hunched over, his head bowed. "And I couldn't do it anymore, Sammy…I couldn't…and I got off that rack…God help me, I got right off it…and I started ripping them apart…I lost count of how many souls…the things that I did to them."
Sam moved closer, wanting to offer comfort, but not beginning to know how. "Dean…you…held on…for thirty years…that's…"
Dean shook his head. "He was there…he was there, Sam and he was right…I felt pleasure. I…let him…"
"Who?" Sam reached out a hand to touch Dean's shoulder and Dean inhaled a deep, shuddering breath.
"Dad."
The word was like a boot to his stomach. Sam stumbled backwards, tripping and landing hard on his ass in the wet grass. "That demon…that…" Sam pointed at the unconscious biker. "He…and that was…" He shook his head vehemently, as though denying it could make it not be real. "No, Dean…we saw him. He got out. He…"
"He was there a year Sam…god, that's like 120 years down there…" Dean came to squat beside him. "I can't blame him…not when I did the things I did." He wiped his face. "And I can't let you…" He sniffed and held out his hand to help Sam up. "Okay? No more…Ruby has to go."
Sam could understand that and he nodded, climbing to his feet. "But what about…him? What do we do about him?"
"Hell if I know, Sammy."
Title: cado in nusquam (fragilis innocentia) (Part One, cado in nusquam, Part two, haud sileo pro scelestus, Part Three, angelus in meus umerus humerus, Part Four, lapsus ex venia)
Pairing/Characters: Sam, Dean, Ruby, Alistair, Castiel, Uriel, Anna, John
Rating: A very serious NC-17
Word Count: 4666
Summary: Dean died and went to hell, while Sam was left to carry on without his brother. Sam now attempts to adjust to having his brother back, and what that means, and what Dean isn't telling him, all while hiding a few secrets of his own. This continues the story in Sam's POV, and is a rough re-write of episodes nine and ten.
Warnings: This is maybe the darkest thing I've ever written, and those of you who have read my work know I don't say these things lightly. This at the very least rivals the "P!Verse"...in some ways it goes darker places than that. There is rape/non-con, dub-con, there is torture, both physical and mental. And while the parts since part 2 haven't necessarily been as dark as the first two, they are still plenty dark and this will go very, very dark again in the last chapters.
A/Ns: This began as a comment fic prompt that simply wouldn't leave me alone. Then I was surrounded by dirty, filthy enablers (I'm eyeing
varkelton and denyce specifically here). Art provided by
fallen_for_lost.Sam eased the door open and slipped into the room, his eyes darting around before falling on the place where his brother lay sleeping. The room had a vague smell of sex and that lingering feeling of demon that he was becoming all too accustomed to after all the time he spent with Ruby.
Dean was fully dressed, his jacket pulled over him, like he expected to run at any moment. His hands twitched, and if Sam tried he could probably feel the nightmares his brother still tried to deny.
He insisted he didn't remember. Told Sam whenever he asked, but Sam knew different. Sam saw the tremors in his hands, heard his whimpering when he dreamed, watched him drink whiskey from the bottle at nine in the morning. Dean remembered something.
Not that Sam could blame him for keeping it a secret, not with all the secrets Sam was keeping. He dropped his coat on the bed Dean wasn't sleeping on and kicked off his shoes, heading in to shower off his own smell of sex.
They were going to have to move fast, if Ruby's information was correct. He stripped down and climbed in under the weak spray, washing quickly and stepping out to towel off. He waited until he was partially dressed, clean jeans pulled on and a t-shirt in hand before kicking the bed. "Dean, wake up."
Dean jumped awake, knife in his hand as he sat up. "Sam?"
"Yeah, got us a case, lets roll."
"What? Where?"
"Few hours from here. A girl escaped a psych ward."
Dean dropped the knife and fished his bottle out of his jacket pocket, taking a sip. "How is that a case for us?"
"Her name is Anna Milton, and she's got some heavy duty price on her head."
Dean sipped at the bottle again before capping it and shoving it into his jacket. "Where'd you get this?"
Sam sighed and finished getting dressed. "Dude, seriously. Does it matter?"
"Hell yes, it matters, Sam. We ain’t goose chasing after some chick, who for all we know doesn’t even exist, just because your hell-bitch girlfriend tells us to."
Sam turned away, not wanting to rise to the argument that always erupted when Dean and Ruby entered the same conversation. "She says the girl's important, and that demons have orders to take her alive."
"And you're believing her?"
"I already called the hospital, and Anna Milton is real and she did escape. It's about a three day drive, so we gotta hustle."
Dean squinted at him, crossing his arms. "Don’t mean the case is real."
"We’ve driven further for less, Dean." Sam said
Dean shook his head, but started gathering his things. The look on his face told Sam all he needed to know about what Dean thought about that. "You got something to say, say it."
"Oh, I’m saying it. This sucks." Dean stormed out of the room and unlocked the car.
"You’re not pissed we’re going after the girl, you’re pissed Ruby threw us the tip."
"I'm pissed because I don't know what she's playing at Sam. I'm pissed because you haven't sent her packing like you said you would. As far as you’re concerned, the hell bitch is practically family." He slammed the door of the car as Sam threw his bags into the back seat. "I'm saying, something major must have happened while I was downstairs, cause I come back and- and- and you’re BFF with a demon?"
Sam feels the disapproval and guilt rolling off his brother. "I told you Dean, she helped me go after Lilith."
"Well, thanks for the thumbnail, real vivid. You wanna fill in a little detail?" Dean pulled them onto the road, even though he didn't really know where they were going.
Sam felt anger bubbling up inside him, because Dean was demanding, but he wasn't being upfront and honest either. "Sure, Dean, let’s trade stories. You first. Want to tell me, how was hell? Don’t spare the details."
Dean glared at him, but Sam was just getting started. "What about that guy? Wanna tell me who it is you've been meeting up with while I'm with Ruby? Or why you always smell like sex when I get back?"
"Sam, I'm warning you…don't go there."
"No? Fine. You keep your secrets, I'll keep mine."
Dean was even more pissed now, his face tight, his hands gripping the steering wheel tight, his eyes on the road stretched out ahead of them. Sam turned to look out the passenger side window and tried to ignore the burning in his chest.
He's sloppy, drunk, wasted on grief and loneliness and guilt as he buries the damn box, screaming into the night. "Come on!"
He turns around and around, waiting, expecting. "Where the hell are you?"
He chugs from the bottle in his hand, anger welling. "Fuck!" He throws the bottle and it crashes against the stop sign, shattering before Sam notices the man standing in the small puddle of light from the bus stop lamp post.
"I was wondering whether to come or not, I mean, you did shoot one of my co-workers." The man's eyes flash red as Sam stumbles closer. "Don’t take this the wrong way Sam, but you don’t look so hot buddy. I guess burying your brother didn’t agree with you."
Sam blinks at him, throwing his arms open wide, giving himself up. "Here I am…take me."
"Let’s see that special little knife of yours first."
Sam holds up Ruby's knife and slams it on the giant wooden spool left standing beside the bus benches. "No Devil’s Traps either, I’m not here to play games." The world was wobbly as Sam waited, arms still spread wide.
The demon comes out of the light and starts moving toward Sam slowly. "Well, let me guess, you want to make a deal? And ‘round and ‘round the Winchester’s go." His mocking cuts open wounds deeper and Sam wants to grab the knife and twist it in his belly, crack him open and bleed him dry. It's a small echo of what Dean is going through…a small connection to his brother. "Sorry Sam, that’s not gonna happen."
Sam curses under his breath, nodding. He should have known. Damn, fucking demons. In one fast motion Sam slams the knife down into the demon's hand, pinning it to the wooden spool. The demon tries to grab Sam, but he's had enough games and twists the other hand, crushing it against the wood. "I don’t want ten years, I don’t want one year, I don’t want candy, I just wanna trade places with Dean."
This shouldn't be so hard. Dean was there because of Sam, Sam should be able to buy his way out.
"No."
"Just take me! It’s a fair trade!"
"No." The damn thing is smiling at him, lips curling up.
"Why not? Lilith wants me dead, just let Dean go and she can have me."
"Tell me Sam…what do you remember about being dead?"
Sam blinks, shakes his head. "What?"
"Don’t you understand Sam? It’s not about your soul. Dean’s in hell, right where we want him, just like you're here…right where we want you. We’ve got everything exactly the way we want it. You wanna kill me?! Go ahead, I’ve made peace with my lord."
The information they picked up at the hospital and the dead bodies they find at the girl's home are enough to convince Dean that maybe Ruby has a point about the girl. They find her at a church, scared, hiding.
"Anna? We’re not gonna hurt you, we’re here to help." He held up his gun and showed her he was putting it away. She stared at him, fidgeting in place, her eyes dancing back and forth from Sam to Dean. "My name is Sam, this is my brother Dean."
"Sam? Not Sam Winchester."
Sam looked at Dean who shrugged. "Uh- yeah."
She stepped out of the shadows into the pool of colored light coming in through the stained glass window, still looking scared and unsure of herself. "And you’re Dean."
Dean looked from her to Sam and back again, tucking his own gun into his belt. He opens his mouth to respond, but clearly is at a loss.
"The Dean?
Dean smirked. "Well, yeah…The Dean…I guess."
Sam rolled his eyes and focused on the girl.
"It’s really you." She moved forward, her hands rubbing together, her eyes sparkling. "Oh my God, the angels talk about you. You were in hell, but Castiel pulled you out and some of them think you can help save us." She looked at Sam almost apologetically. "And some of them don’t like you at all."
Sam almost steps backward, the dislike profound even in just her voice, though it isn't coming from her. She doesn't seem to necessarily agree with the sentiment, just can't keep from reverberating it.
"They talk about you all the time lately, I feel like I know you."
"So you talk to angels?" Dean asked, glancing at Sam again. Sam was half sure that glance was an "I told you so" about the psychic shit and it being wrong, but Sam sloughed it off. Now was not the time for more of that…not when that might be the only thing to save them in the end.
"Oh, no, no, no way, um, they probably don’t even know I exist. I just kind of overhear them."
"You overhear them?" Sam asked, not sure now if the girl really was just crazy.
"Yeah, they talk and sometimes I just hear them in my head."
"Like…right now?" Dean stepped a little closer and this time she didn't shy back into the shadows.
"Not right this second, but a lot, and I can’t shut them out there are so many of them."
"So they lock you up with a case of the crazies when really you were just tuning into to angel radio?"
"Yes, thank you." She looked relieved that someone believed her, if not relieved that it was the two of them that found her.
"Anna, when did the voices start? Do you remember?" Sam asked, trying to make sense of the whole thing.
"I can tell you exactly, September 18th."
"The day I got out of hell." Dean responded, shaking his head.
Anna nodded frantically. "First words I heard, clear as a bell: ‘Dean Winchester is saved'."
Sam could feel movement, demon…Ruby. He realized Dean was waiting for him to answer a question he didn't hear. "It’s above my paygrade man."
"Well, at least now we know why the demons want you so bad. They get ahold of you, they can hear everything the other side’s cooking, you’re 1-900-Angel."
Anna opened her mouth to say something, but the door slammed open and Ruby burst in, making Anna scream.
"You got the girl, good, let’s go."
"Oh! Her face! She's not human."
"No, it’s okay, she’s here to help." Sam said, reaching out to Anna who cringed away.
"We have to hurry." Ruby said, waving them toward the door.
Dean crossed his arms, standing between Ruby and Anna. "Why?"
"Because there's a demon coming big-time. We can fight later Dean."
Sam wasn't convinced Dean was going to back off, and he shielded Anna with his body. When the two of them finally threw off the gloves, it was going to be a bloody fight.
"Pretty damn convenient, showing up right when we find the girl with some big wig on your tail." Dean's gun was back in his hand, his eyes darting around the room.
"I didn’t bring him here, you did. Followed you from the girl's house. We gotta go now."
"Too late." Sam said, feeling the creepy sensation climb up his spine. "It's already here."
Dean moved toward Sam, who grabbed Anna and heads toward a door. He put her in a closet. "Okay, stay in there, don’t move."
The poor girl looked terrified. Sam wanted to reassure her, but Dean needed him, and he had a job to do.
Sam pulled a bottle of holy water out of his pocket as he rejoined Dean, but Ruby was already shaking his head. "No Sam, you gotta pull him right away."
"Whoa, hold on a sec-" Dean scowled at Sam.
"Now’s not the time to bellyache about Sam going darkside. He does his thing, he exorcises that demon or we die."
There isn't time to argue then as the door flew open, cracking down the middle and shaking the room. Sam's had reaches out, waiting until he could feel him. He stepped back as a man appeared, eyes closing as he pulled at the demon inside him.
He felt the resistance as it fought to stay inside, powerful. Strong. There. There's the smallest give and Sam pulled harder, the man choking as the demon started to come out.
He knew in an instant it wasn't enough, opened his eyes just in time to see his eyes go white as he coughed and cocked his head at Sam. "That tickles."
Ruby looked at him with fear in her eyes. Sam knew how she felt.
"You don’t have the juice to take me on Sam." He made a fist in Sam's direction, yanking him forward and into the door, sending him crashing toward the stairs.
"Hello again Dean." Sam heard as he crawled up the stairs, trying to get back to protect Dean and Anna. "Come on, don’t you recognize me? Oh I forgot, I’m wearing a pediatrician…But we were so close, in hell."
Dean was bleeding, his face a mess of fear and anger and blood as the demon held him by the throat, fist back to hit him again.
"Alistair." Sam heard the name and shivered. He had heard the name mumbled in sleep, in dreams, falling from Dean's lips in a combination of fear and lust. Alistair laughed and Sam took his distraction as the moment to strike, running at the demon with Ruby's knife. Alistair turned to confront him, taking the blade full in the chest.
"You’re gonna have to try a whole lot harder than that son."
Ruby was nowhere to be seen and Alistair was grabbing the knife in his chest. Sam reached for Dean and together they raced for the window, crashing through the glass and slamming into the ground below.
Sam whirls to find his father behind him. He swallows and lifts the shotgun in his hands. "Are you going to shoot me Sam? Your own father?"
"My father is dead." Sam says, his hands sweating, his heart pounding. He knows this isn't real. His father is dead. This is just his mind, his guilt.
"That's right. You didn't stop me from dying either, did you Sammy? Let me make that deal, let me die and go to hell. Just like you let Dean die. Just like you let Dean take your place in hell."
Sam shakes his head, can't keep himself from answering. "I didn't make that deal. Dean did."
He comes closer, his hand closing on the end of the gun. "You let him die. He didn't deserve that Sam. He didn't deserve the things they did to him down there. You're the one who's part demon. You're the one who belongs in hell."
Sam shakes his head again, tears falling from his eyes. "No…no…don't say that."
"You're the one sleeping with a demon, Sam…feeding on her…she's walking you right up to the gates of hell and she won't even have to work to get you inside…then your brother will have died in vain."
"I'm helping him. Someone's got to be strong enough."
His father's smile is frightening. "Is that what you believe Sammy?"
Sam was pacing. Alone in the cold barn while Dean and Anna were…well, he didn't want to think too much about that. His brother deserved a little warmth and tenderness and he wasn't going to get in the way.
Ruby slid into the barn, slipping her arms around him and smiling up at him. "You ready?"
Sam made a face and pushed her away. "No, Ruby. This is…" He shook his head. "If Dean knew…"
She grabbed him and pushed him onto a bale of hay, straddling his lap and pulling a knife out of her boot. "He's busy with the littlest angle out there…won't even know we're here for at least a half hour." Her teeth nip at his lips until he opens them and her tongue invades his mouth, her body writhing on top of him, grinding against him.
She sighed when she realized he wasn't going to reciprocate and looked at him. "You're going to need it when Alistair and his boys come looking."
Sam closed his eyes and nodded. "I know."
She smiled and lifted the knife, dragging it over her arm before offering it to Sam. He took a deep breath, swallowing the lump of doubt in this throat. He was only doing this to save Dean. He closed his eyes and closed his mouth over the wound, the copper-salt taste filling his mouth and he drank.
He panted as he pulled his mouth away and wiped it on his sleeve. "Enough." He could feel it in his stomach, burning and not-right, bubbling up through him, awakening the power, strengthening his gifts.
Ruby patted his chest and stood. "Right…time for me to go make nicey-nice with the bad boys. I hope for your sake this actually works."
"Yeah." Sam said standing as the energy from the blood started to burn through him. "Me too."
"You think you can save him this way?"
Sam closes his eyes against the slamming sensation that always accompanies the angel, like his entire being is being shoved into the nearest hard surface. "You sure as hell aren't." Sam manages as his breath returns.
"I pulled him from hell."
"Physically, maybe." Sam agrees, rolling his shoulders.
Castiel looks at him, through him, his gaze hot, but still distant somehow. "He walks a dangerous line, Sam. A very dangerous line."
Sam gets the feeling that Castiel is warning him, that there's something more that he's supposed to glean from the words. "You could cut him some slack. He was in hell." Sam wants to walk away, but doesn't.
"And the road he's on will take him back all too soon." Castiel flicks his eyes over Sam. "You will be joining him if you continue as you are."
"I'm…" Sam set his jaw and shakes his head. "Maybe if we were getting some goddamn help instead of you trying to kill some innocent girl—"
He holds up those two fingers between them and Sam inhales sharply. "Not all things are as they appear, Samuel. Not everyone is who they seem to be." Those fingers press to his forehead and Sam jumps awake.
"I'm sorry."
"No, you're not." Anna replies, stepping out from behind Dean.
Sam's eyes flicked from the angel, who showed no signs of the conversation Sam isn't even sure they had, then to the door. Ruby needed to show up soon, or this was never going to work.
Just as he thought that, the door burst open and Alistair, still wearing the pediatrician, throws Ruby to the floor. She was hurt, bleeding. Sam could smell the blood. He shook his head as the fight started, needing to get his head in the game.
Castiel was fighting with Alistair while Uriel snarled and took on the other two demons. Dean threw himself into the fray before Sam could grab him, going after Alistair, and Anna darted away from him, grabbing at Uriel as the two demons vanished.
"Oh, Dean…you had such promise." Alistair's voice dripped charm as his head dripped blood and Castiel struggled to his feet while Dean dangled from Alistair's grasp.
"Now, Sam, now!" Ruby screamed and Sam reached out for him, hand out, eyes half closed as he pulled at the demon. Dean yelled at him, then Sam felt Alistair retaliating, his throat closing off as he was lifted off the ground.
There was a booming sound and bright light filled the barn as Anna's grace filled her and then there was a flash of light and Alistair was gone, Sam and Dean thrown to the floor in a pile of aching limbs.
"We aren't done with this."
"We are for now." Castiel looked at Sam, his blue eyes startling, and Sam could hear his voice in his head. "Remember what I said." Sam blinked and they were gone, and so was Ruby, leaving just Sam and Dean.
The silence was tense as they cleaned up and headed out to the car. The trip to the nearest motel is just as silent and just as tense. "Dean, I—"
Dean held up his hand. "Not now."
Sam sighed. "No? When?"
"When I'm not so fucking pissed at you."
"Me?" Sam followed him into the room, throwing his bag on the nearest bed. "How is this about me?"
"You and those freaky ass powers…you told me you weren't doing it anymore."
"Well, excuse me if I was trying to save your fucking life."
"You know what Castiel said about it, Sam."
"Yeah, I know, Dean. I know. Okay. And maybe I still think it's the right thing to do. Maybe it means keeping you from a return trip to the pit, and maybe I think that's worth it."
"Worth what, Sam? Worth taking the goddamn trip yourself?"
"If that's what it takes."
Dean growled as he shoved Sam into the wall, his hands in Sam's shirt, his face curled up in pain and rage. "No. No. No. I'm doing everything I can to keep you out of there, Sam. Everything I do is to save you. Don't you get that?"
"Maybe you should have thought about that before you made your deal." Sam said quietly.
Dean swallowed and his grip loosened. "What does that mean?"
Sam shook his head. "I was dead, Dean."
Dean let go and stood back. "You said you didn't remember."
"So did you." Sam reached for him, but Dean pulled away. "I know you do."
"I can't do this." Dean stormed out the door, slamming it behind him and leaving Sam standing in the empty room. Alone. Again.
He waited nearly an hour, but his stomach twisted around the way Dean had looked at him when he realized that Sam knew at least some of what he'd been keeping secret.
Knowing Dean, he'd headed for the nearest bar, so he shouldn't be hard to find. Sam set out from the hotel, remembering the biker bar they'd passed on the way into town. It was just past the small cemetery.
He was nearly there when he heard Dean yelling…not entirely in pain, but enough that Sam stopped, his eyes scanning around him. It seemed to come from within the cemetery.
Sam jumped the low wall and crept through the dark. There was another voice, deeper, gruffer. There was grunting and Dean…whimpered, cursed. Sam inched around a tree, stopping cold as the sound of skin slapping against skin rose to a crescendo then stopped with a grunt and a yell and the smell of sex rode the light breeze toward him.
"Dean…"
The man was big, at least as tall as Sam and broader at the shoulders and hips. He grinned as he turned toward Sam, his cock slick and shiny and still hard hanging out of his jeans. Dean slid down the tombstone he'd been bent over, his face bruising, his arm holding his chest.
The man's eyes went black as he laughed. "Sammy…I was wondering when I'd get to see you." His hand went to circle his cock, pumping it a little. "I got plenty left, want to go a round?"
Sam snarled, lifting his hand. He grabbed at the demon and yanked, watching the man's face look startled as he choked.
"Sam!" Dean crawled forward, got to his feet, pulling his jeans up and getting between Sam and the demon. "Sam, stop."
Sam's eyes flashed at Dean. "Get out of the way!"
Dean shook his head and took a step forward. "No, Sam. You can't—"
"He fucking raped you." Sam yelled as the man laughed.
"And he liked it, didn't you Dean-o? Go on, tell him." The man stepped forward, slapping at Dean's ass. "Cat got your tongue, Son?"
Dean half turned to growl at him, but the demon was done, black smoke roaring out of the biker and dropping him unconscious on the ground. Dean lowered his head and stood…just stood staring at him.
"Dean…" Sam took a hesitant step, but stopped when Dean stiffened. "I could have…"
Dean looked up, tears sparkling in his eyes. "He…that was…"
"You knew him…from…before. In hell?"
Dean moved to a different headstone, leaning against it and crossing his arms. "Yeah…you could say that, Sam. He was there…when Alistair…" Dean wiped away a tear and exhaled slowly. "You gotta understand Sam…it was more than just four months…I mean…up here it was four months, but there, time is different. It was…more like forty years."
Sam held his breath, held himself still, afraid that Dean would stop…afraid he might just tell him too.
"They…uh…they sliced, and they carved…and tore at me in ways that you…" He shook his head, the memory filling his eyes, the pain rolling off him almost overwhelming to Sam's heightened senses. "Until there was nothing left." His voice is cold, like he could keep it from tearing him apart if he could just keep it distant enough, but Sam could feel the break coming.
"And then suddenly, I would be whole again. Like magic…so they could start in all over." Dean shifted uncomfortably. "And he was there. He was part of it. He…fucked with my head while they…and he fucked me when they were done…"
Dean shivered, his eyes losing focus as he turned his head. "Alistair, at the end of every day, he came and he made me an offer. Every day. To take me off the rack, if I would…put souls on. If I started the torture. And I told him to stick it where the sun shines. Every time. For thirty years, I told him."
Dean's voice cracked and he stood, rubbing his hands over his arms. "And he would hold me and whisper to me and tell me to let go." Somehow, Sam knew Dean meant the demon that had just been here. "Sometimes, he was…almost gentle. Told me I could find pleasure, that he would take care of me."
His shoulders were hunched over, his head bowed. "And I couldn't do it anymore, Sammy…I couldn't…and I got off that rack…God help me, I got right off it…and I started ripping them apart…I lost count of how many souls…the things that I did to them."
Sam moved closer, wanting to offer comfort, but not beginning to know how. "Dean…you…held on…for thirty years…that's…"
Dean shook his head. "He was there…he was there, Sam and he was right…I felt pleasure. I…let him…"
"Who?" Sam reached out a hand to touch Dean's shoulder and Dean inhaled a deep, shuddering breath.
"Dad."
The word was like a boot to his stomach. Sam stumbled backwards, tripping and landing hard on his ass in the wet grass. "That demon…that…" Sam pointed at the unconscious biker. "He…and that was…" He shook his head vehemently, as though denying it could make it not be real. "No, Dean…we saw him. He got out. He…"
"He was there a year Sam…god, that's like 120 years down there…" Dean came to squat beside him. "I can't blame him…not when I did the things I did." He wiped his face. "And I can't let you…" He sniffed and held out his hand to help Sam up. "Okay? No more…Ruby has to go."
Sam could understand that and he nodded, climbing to his feet. "But what about…him? What do we do about him?"
"Hell if I know, Sammy."
