tightrope, Stargate SG-1, Rish
Feb. 24th, 2014 10:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
phantismaFandom: Stargate SG1
Title: tightrope
Characters: Jack, Daniel, Sam and Teal'c
Rating: Rish (for drug use)
Word Count: 5787
Summary: Stuck off world, Daniel's behavior changes and it becomes obvious he is not as okay as he keeps insisting he is. When Jack discovers the reason, it could mean the end of SG1.
A/Ns & Warnings: Warnings for prescription drug abuse and detox from prescription drugs. Addiction issues.
“We may have a problem, sir.” Carter said across the radio as Jack and Daniel started their trek back toward the gate after retrieving Daniel’s gear from the ruins where they’d abandoned it to run for cover as the heavens rained fire down on them.
“What kind of problem, Carter?” Jack asked.
The meteor shower had been brief, but intense and there was no way of knowing if or when another one was going to happen.
“It’s the gate, sir. It seems to have taken a direct hit.”
“We’re on our way.” Beside him, Daniel started to jog and Jack followed suit, heading through the trees and down toward the gate. They emerged side by side to the clearing where the gate had been to find that not only was the gate on it’s side, but partially buried by rocks and what looked like melted metal that had cooled.
“Oh, that’s not good.” Daniel said, stopping beside Teal’c.
“Carter?” Jack asked.
Sam looked up from her examination of the DHD. “Minor damage, sir. Easily fixed. It’s the gate.”
“So I see. What’s the damage?”
She sighed and came to join them. “Well, the naquada in the soil and the meteorites were melted by the heat, we’re going to need to unbury the gate, and break through the cooled metal to free up the ring so we can dial earth.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “With just the tools we brought with us.”
“Which amounts to...what, exactly?” Jack asked, not really wanting to know the answer.
“We have the camp shovel.” Carter offered. “Daniel’s archeology tools. I may be able to rig up some small, shaped charges to break up some of it. Upside is we’re already late for our check in, so General Hammond will be attempting to find out what happened to us.”
“Which would make me feel better if they actually had a way of getting to us.” Jack said. He looked up at the clear sky that only three hours before had been hurling burning rocks at them. “What about the meteorites? Can we expect more?”
Carter shrugged. “I don’t think so. The model predicted that this time of year it would be rare.”
“And yet…” Jack shook his head. “Okay, let’s establish a camp. Daniel, you and Carter inventory the gear, see what survived off the MALP. Teal’c work on getting us enough wood to get through the night. Sun’s only got an hour or two at most before it sets. It’s going to get cold.”
He dropped his pack and picked his way over the debris to the gate. At least the planet seemed unpopulated, and there had been no Goa’uld activity, so they were fairly safe in that regard. There were clear indications that there was animal life on the planet, but that just meant they wouldn’t starve if their rations ran out.
In less than an hour, Sam and Daniel had the government issued tent up just inside the trees and Teal’c had dragged a large tree trunk in for them to sit on. Jack used the dry leaves and twigs they’d cleared from under the tent to get a small fire going as the sun sank slowly behind a hazy horizon.
It was quiet around them as he fed the fire bigger chunks of wood and Carter brought out the MREs. “Might as well get comfortable. No telling how long we’ll be here.”
Teal’c returned from the stream with the four canteens, setting them on the ground near the log. “There appear to be fish in the water, O’Neill.”
“Good. things are looking up already.”
“You don’t look so good.” Sam said as Daniel took his place beside her by the fire.
“Can’t sleep.” Daniel grumbled, nodding thanks as she handed him a cup of hot tea.
“You’d think it’d be easy after all that heavy lifting today.” Sam said with a smile, rubbing at her arms.
Daniel couldn’t deny that he was achy and tired, that wasn’t the problem. “Can’t seem to make my brain stop.” Of course, normally he had ways of getting his brain to stop, but that wasn’t something he could tell Sam. His hand touched the pocket that hid his secret, making sure they were still there. He’d counted them out, now that it was clear this was going to take more than just a day or two.
They were on day four, and they’d only cleared about twelve inches of the gate from the naquada and other metals that had melted and then hardened. There wasn’t even a guarantee the gate would work when they were done. And he had left home with enough pills to last him a week, just in case. He’d been careful, cutting back when it was clear after the first day that they were pretty stuck.
The problem was, he was already starting to feel the effects of cutting back. Which...probably should terrify him for reasons other than the fact that he was going to run out before they got home. It was going to get bad if they didn’t get back before the pills ran out.
He sipped at the tea and glanced aside at Sam. He’d hidden it for a long time, and he was pretty sure no one suspected. It wasn’t like he was a junky. Everything he was taking was something he needed. Prescribed even, at one time or another.
Daniel shifted, uncomfortable with his own train of thought.
“You okay?” Sam asked. He could feel her looking at him.
“I’ve been restless.” He shook his head and drank from the tin cup. “You know how it goes.”
“You still having the dreams?”
He shrugged. “Some. When I sleep.”
“Maybe you should see if Janet can help.”
“Maybe I will.” He put the cup down and stood, stretching. “I’m going to walk.”
“Don’t go far in the dark.”
“I won’t.” Daniel assured, stepping away from the small fire. His skin felt tight and dry and his stomach was starting to flip disconcertingly. The night was cold now that he was away from the fire. The wind was biting and Daniel shoved his hands in his pockets, his fingers naturally curling around the bag of pills in his pocket.
He’d tried to quit before. In fact that’s how he ended up taking the sleeping pills. When he’d stopped taking the pain pills the first time, he’d had trouble sleeping, and when he did sleep, he had nightmares. When he’d been four days without sleeping, he’d ended up in the infirmary again and Janet had given him the sleeping pills.
It was supposed to be a temporary thing...and when Janet stopped prescribing them, Daniel had found other means. It wasn’t long before he’d found himself needing something else to help him function after taking the pills to sleep.
He stumbled and caught himself on a tree. His face was hot, and he was sweating. What little he’d eaten came roaring back up with a vengeance and he bent over, holding the tree as he retched into the dirt. When it passed he turned to press his back into the trunk, pulling the bag of pills out of his pocket. He had three sleeping pills left. If he took them now...He shoved the bag back in his pocket and headed back for the camp. Sam looked up, smiling a little.
“Why don’t you go get some sleep.” Daniel said. “One of us should. I’ll take watch.”
“You sure?” Sam asked, though she was already standing up.
He nodded. “Yeah. Go on. I got this.”
He stumbled as he tossed the rock, catching himself on the edge of the gate, his vision swimming. Sam reached out, her hand on the skin of his arm like fire. He pulled his arm away and dug his bandana out of his pocket.
“Daniel, are you--”
"I'm fine," Daniel snapped, turning away to wipe his face on the bandana.
"You're burning up." Sam said softly, frowning at him and taking a step closer. "Maybe you should take a break."
She wasn’t wrong. He was feverish and it wasn’t going away. He licked his lips as he felt Jack and Teal’c looking at them. "I'll go get some water."
Daniel grabbed the canteens and headed for the stream, pausing when he got there to fish the small bag from his pocket. He was down to just a few pills. He'd been rationing them, but they were still a long way from getting home and no rationing was going to be enough. It was getting harder to hide.
In fact, he was pretty sure Sam was starting to realize something was wrong.
He’d gone more than twenty four hours without taking anything. He wiped his face again. It had been at least that long since he’d eaten anything and sleeping was something he pretended to do to keep the others from worrying. His body ached and he couldn’t focus, his uncharacteristic irritability was getting on Jack’s nerves and he couldn’t work for more than a few minutes before he was fumbling and dropping things or tripping over nothing.
He licked his lips and tossed one of the pills back, chasing it with the dregs of one of the canteens. At least he'd be able to work the afternoon. He didn’t want to think about what that would mean, about how few were left. They needed to get the gate cleared.
He filled the canteens and waited for the feeling of the stimulant to start working through him. It had been days since he'd taken one and the build up was going to be slower than usual.
"Daniel!" He could hear Jack yelling for him and gathered up the canteens, determined to get through the afternoon's digging without pissing Jack off further.
"Sir?"
Jack looked up from the coals of the fire to see Carter coming from the tent. "Coffee's still hot."
She shook her head and sat beside him on the log they were using as a bench. It was obvious that she was worried. "Can we talk?"
Jack inhaled and let it out slowly. They were all feeling it. The work to free the gate had been difficult and it was taking longer than they anticipated. "Soon, Carter. We're making progress."
"No, it isn't that." She bit her lip and stared at the coals for a minute. "It's Daniel."
Daniel. He'd been difficult the last few days, but Jack couldn't really blame him. They were all feeling a little trapped since the meteor shower that had taken out the gate and buried it under rock and melted naquada. Daniel wasn’t the most physical of them in the first place and the heat of the planet’s afternoons had been taking a toll on him. “He actually sleeping tonight?”
She shrugged. That hadn’t escaped his notice either, the fact that most nights Daniel pretended to sleep, but was always the one who got up and relieved whoever was on watch.
"I think..." She hesitated, glancing over her shoulder at the tent. "He's not well."
"He's stressed." Jack agreed. "We all are." He squinted at her, knowing she had more or she wouldn’t have come to him.
She shook her head. "No, sir, I think it's more than that. He's sick. I think he's going to get even sicker." She licked her lips and turned toward him. "I think he's been...taking something...I don't know what. But stuck here like this..." She hesitated again, shifting uncomfortably. “I saw him tonight, after dinner. He said it was just an aspirin for his headache, but I checked the first aid kit. It hasn’t been touched.”
He followed her train of thought, considered the way Daniel had been behaving the last few days. "Are you saying this is some kind of withdrawal?" She wasn’t wrong. It would explain a lot.
Again, she shrugged. “I’m not sure. But the changes in his behavior make sense if... He’s been strung tight and yesterday I found him vomiting in the woods. Today he could barely move. And yesterday, after he went for water, he was jumpy and nearly manic.”
Jack turned to look at the tent. “Is he sleeping?”
“Actually, that’s why I came to you. I think what he took tonight was something to make him sleep because he was out while Teal’c was still talking to him.”
Jack stood and stormed into the tent, past Teal’c who was doing his meditating thing to the corner Daniel had claimed for himself. He was, in fact, asleep, even snoring lightly, his arms curled tightly around himself. Jack grabbed Daniel’s pack and left him sleeping. It was too dark to go through it thoroughly, but Jack wanted it where he could empty it’s contents as soon as there was enough light. “Get some sleep Carter. I’ve got a feeling tomorrow is going to be a tough day.”
Teal’c relieved him near the middle of the night, but Jack was too worked up to sleep by that point. He’d spent the hours since he’d sent Carter back to bed thinking about Daniel and trying to figure how long this had been going on.
He knew for certain that Daniel was clean when they’d had their last full physicals, which had been just before Sha’re’s death. But that had been nearly a year, and in that space, Daniel had been injured and depressed and grieving. It was too hard to put a finger on. Jack paced, then wandered away to relieve himself.
They were going to have to confront Daniel, that much was clear. They needed to find out what he was taking and how long he’d been on it. Jack had been through this with guys before. It wasn’t hard to figure out the how and why it happened, but Jack was sure Daniel should know better.
Daniel was smarter than this.
By the time the sun was coming up and Daniel made his appearance, Jack was fuming. One look at Daniel only solidified his anger. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen it before now. Daniel was lethargic, even though he’d just slept for ten hours, uncoordinated and clumsy. His eyes were bloodshot and heavy as he made his way to the log. “Is there coffee?” Daniel mumbled,eyes barely open.
“We’re out.” Jack responded, crossing his arms and waiting for Daniel to look up at him. When he didn’t, Jack sighed. “What’s wrong with you?”
Daniel rubbed his eyes. “Just need caffeine.”
“Oh, I think you’re probably jonesing for something a little stronger than that by now.” Jack countered.
There, that got him to look up.
“What?” Daniel rubbed his hands over his face.
“You heard me. I think it’s time you told me what kind of drugs you’re taking.”
“Drugs? Have you lost your mind?” Daniel stood, hands rubbing down his legs. Jack watched Daniel’s hands check each pocket before he shook his head. “I don’t take drugs. Jack, you know me better than that.”
“Do I?” Jack took a step closer. Carter emerged from the tent, scowling as she stood behind Daniel. “Oh, I’m not saying it’s cocaine or anything like that Daniel. Probably something easier to get your hands on. Prescription pills. Tell me, have you started stealing from the infirmary yet?”
“I don’t have to listen to this.” Daniel’s face twisted up in anger and he looked around them for a path out of there. “You don’t know anything.”
“Look at you. You can barely stand up. I’m guessing it’s the uppers you ran out of first, right?”
“Fuck you.” Daniel growled and he pushed past Jack.
"Damnit Daniel!" Jack yelled, grabbing Daniel's arm to keep him from storming off. Daniel's face was filled with fury and he punched Jack in the face before pulling free.
"Leave me alone." Daniel growled, taking a step away before Teal'c intercepted him.
"Colonel O'Neill is correct, Daniel Jackson. You are not well."
"I'm fine." Daniel insisted, though the adrenaline was fading and the fury was draining from his face, replaced with a look that told Jack that the stubborn fool wasn't far from completely passing out. When he turned to take another swing at Jack, Jack punched him first, sending him back into Teal’c, out cold.
"Teal'c, get him inside the tent, check his pockets. Carter, go through his pack."
"Sir!"
"Do it Carter. We need to know what he's been taking." Jack exhaled slowly. They needed to know how bad this was going to get before it got better, not that there was anything they could do to make it better, aside from getting him home...and that itself was a whole different world of trouble.
Daniel was aware of the fact that his entire body was on fire and everything hurt before he could even remember where he was or why. Jack had punched him. He could feel the eyes of whichever one of his team was watching him, but he kept his eyes closed. He wasn’t ready to face them.
Okay, so Jack figured it out. No, it was probably Sam, but Sam wouldn’t confront him, not with Jack there to do it for her. They were going to find out eventually. At least now he could stop hiding it. He rolled onto his back, his hand sliding to the pocket that had held his stash.
“It’s gone.” Sam said. “Colonel O’Neill threw what was left into the fire.”
“What?” Daniel sat up, regretting it as his head reeled and the rest of his body echoed some chorus of pain he wasn’t appreciating.
“Can you blame him?”
He looked at her, sitting in the doorway to the tent, knees to her chest.
“Where is he?” Daniel asked.
“He and Teal’c are working on the gate.”
“Why aren’t you?”
She shook her head. “Because someone has to keep an eye on you. I got the short stick.”
“I’m fine. You should go help.” Daniel insisted, laying back down slowly.
“Nice try, but I’m not going anywhere.”
“I don’t need a babysitter, Sam.” Daniel said with a sigh.
“Apparently you do.” Sam countered. “Are you thirsty? Probably shouldn’t give you food at this point, you’ll be vomiting enough very soon. But we need to keep you hydrated. The fever’s going to burn off a lot of fluid, and then we’ll hit the vomiting stage and it will be harder to keep water in.”
“I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. And it’s going to be a while before you are fine again, so drink the damn water, Daniel.” She thrust a canteen at him and he took it, frowning at her. He hadn’t realized how angry she was. Angry at him. Because she was stuck sitting here making sure he wasn’t dying instead of being out there helping. He leaned up on one elbow and sipped at the water, not looking at her.
If she was angry, Jack was probably even angrier. Jack relied on him, and he’d fucked up. He capped the canteen and laid back down. He wasn’t going to be sleeping any time soon, but he didn’t have the strength to do much else.
“I don’t think he’s got anything left to throw up.” Sam said softly somewhere nearby.
Daniel could hear Jack moving around, but he couldn’t even open his eyes. At some point they had stripped him down, washing him in the cool water of the creek in an effort to get his fever down and clean him up from the mess he’d made. He’d be blushing if he had the energy to waste.
His insides felt hollow, like he’d carved them out with a knife.
“Good.” Jack was closer than Sam, sitting near him. He sounded tired. “Teal’c’s bringing up some fresh water. I’ll sit with him a while.”
“I’ll cook the fish you brought up.”
Daniel wanted to open his eyes, wanted to see if Jack was still angry, but he couldn’t do a lot more than shiver.
“I swear to God, Daniel, you had better pull through this.”
Daniel groaned, almost wishing he could throw up, could say something. He could feel Jack’s judgment sitting on his chest, making it harder to breathe, making the pain more intense...and then all he wished was that the darkness would take him under.
“Jack?” Daniel’s voice was soft, barely audible over the sounds of his shivering. Jack rubbed the damp cloth over the clammy skin of his face. “Jack, I’m sorry. Jack...I’m sorry.”
“Shh. Save your strength Daniel.” Jack responded, glancing at the other side of the tent where Carter was sleeping.
“Need….just a little, Jack…”
“You need to get this crap out of your system.” Jack countered. “Even if I had something to give you I wouldn’t.”
Daniel’s eyes opened, accusing and dark. “First aid.”
Jack shook his head. “No.”
“It hurts, Jack. It hurts so much.” Daniel’s hands trembled as the reached for his, grabbing it and pulling it in. “Just….just a taste, just a little...I don’t want to die.”
“You’re not going to die.” Jack said, looking away. Truth was, he wasn’t sure this wouldn’t kill Daniel. Cut off from help like they were with only basic medical care on hand and no real idea what all Daniel had been taking. Carter had found evidence of at least two kinds of pain medications and some sort of stimulant. And they were pretty sure there had been a sleeping pill of some kind.
Jack put the cloth back in the water, wrung it out and went back to wiping Daniel’s face. They had no way of knowing what else he’d been taking because Daniel had fallen fast and thus far hadn’t been able to answer the question. “You’re not going to die.” Jack repeated to him softly. “Because if you die, I won’t be able to kick your stupid ass all the way back to Earth.”
They were close to getting the last of the gate free, then it was just a matter of getting it working. Two days, three tops.
Two or three days and then Jack was going to have to make a hard decision. Of course, if Daniel didn’t start getting better soon there wouldn’t be any decision. Jack would have no choice but to report exactly what happened. Daniel would get the help he needed, but he’d likely find himself grounded, off of SG-1 and stuck at a desk, if he didn’t lose his job all together.
And, as much as Jack wanted to slap Daniel over this, he didn’t want him to lose his job. He wanted to understand, wanted Daniel to know Jack had his back. Things weren’t always good between them, and they had been strained sometimes...but Jack considered Daniel his friend. And friends helped one another through stuff like this.
“You are strong, Daniel Jackson.” Teal’c said quietly, his arm firm around Daniel’s shoulders, holding him up. “You are a warrior.”
“I don’t feel strong.” Daniel mumbled, watching Sam dial the gate.
“I have seen many warriors succomb to the demons of Dakso’ra. You have not.”
“I’m not...it isn’t Dakso’ra, Teal’c.” Daniel argued, though at this point he’d be hapy to blame some Jaffa disease rather than face the truth. “It isn’t a disease.”
Teal’c only responded by raising an eyebrow, then they were moving through the gate to drawn weapons and General Hammond who couldn’t seem to decide whether he was concerned or angry. This was it. Daniel’s life was just about to be over.
“Colonel?”
“Meteor shower, sir. Took the gate out. Took us this long to dig it out.”
“What’s wrong with Dr. Jackson?”
Daniel could feel Jack’s eyes, but didn’t look up. “Some sort of bug, sir.” Jack said. “Fever, vomiting. He’s been down a few days. Fever broke though.”
Daniel didn’t dare look up now, his face burning as the medical team came to take him from Teal’c, helping him onto a gurney. He wasn’t sure why Jack lied, but in a few minutes he didn’t have time to think about it as Janet was there, asking questions and flashing her light in his eyes and then he was under the bright lights of the infirmary and for the next hour he was poked and prodded and asked questions. The rest of the team showed up for their regular once over.
“He’s dehydrated, but he seems to be on the road to recovery. I’m going to keep him overnight, get some fluid into him, but he should be okay to go home after that.” Janet said as Jack joined her at the end of Daniel’s bed.
Jack actually looked concerned as he patted Daniel’s leg. “I’m taking us off rotation for a while. We need some down time.”
“Probably not a bad idea.” Janet agreed. “You’re all exhausted.” She excused herself, leaving Daniel alone with Jack.
Jack watched her leave, then moved closer, his fingers fiddling with the IV feeding fluids into Daniel’s arm. “When you are released, we’ll talk.”
“Jack, I--”
Jack held up his hand. “Not yet. I’m still furious with you. Get some rest, get your strength back.”
Daniel closed his eyes and nodded. “Yeah, okay.” He didn’t see Jack leave. It was better that way.
Jack hung up the phone and reached for his coat. Carter said that Frasier had put Daniel in a cab to go home. He wanted to be there. Now that Daniel was clean and more or less back on his feet, he needed to understand that he needed to stay that way, that Jack was going to be there to help him.
He opened the door, and stopped as Daniel came up his walk. “Daniel?”
He looked up, surprised to see Jack standing there apparently. “I...you wanted…” He shook his head. “I should have called.”
“No, I was just coming to see you.” Jack offered. “Come on in. I’ve got coffee on.”
Daniel ducked past him, hands in his jacket pocket. He’d lost weight, which wasn’t surprising, and he was still pale, but Frasier wouldn’t have let him out of the infirmary if he wasn’t healthy enough. Jack closed the door and pulled his jacket off, tossing it on the couch as he headed into the kitchen to pour coffee.
He came back, handing a cup across to Daniel who stared at it for a long minute. “Jack, I...I’m not sure where to start here.”
“How about you tell me what you were thinking?” Jack said, his voice a little colder than he meant it to be.
Daniel put the coffee down on the end table and turned away. “I don’t know. After Sha’re I just…” He shook his head. “It hurt and nothing made it better.”
“So you decided to take pills?”
“No.” Daniel shook his head. “No. I didn’t decide. I sprained the ankle, remember? Janet gave me...and it was the first time I felt…” He rubbed a hand over his face. “I didn’t want to go back to hurting.”
Jack nodded. He’d actually suspected something like that. It hadn’t been a good year for Daniel.
“I don’t think I ever...I didn’t think about it really. It just happened.” Daniel pinched the bridge of his nose.
Jack sighed. Daniel was copping to the problem, but still wasn’t admitting responsibility. Maybe he wasn’t ready yet. Maybe Jack didn’t do him any favors not telling the truth. “Daniel.” He stepped closer, putting a hand on Daniel’s back. “You know I can’t let you back on active duty until I know you’re good.”
Daniel nodded. “No, I know. I appreciate what you did….everything you did.”
“Do you?” Jack asked, making Daniel look up sharply. “You didn’t get clean by choice. I realize that. You were forced to it. If you’re not ready--”
“No.” Daniel shook his head, stepping away. “No. I’m good, Jack. I swear. You can trust me.”
“Can I?” Jack’s anger was starting to rise up again. Daniel was telling him what he thought Jack wanted to hear. Anything to keep going, keep his job, go back to normal. "How am I supposed to trust you? How do I know you're even going to try to stay clean?" Jack’s voice raised and Daniel's face paled, but Jack wasn't done, not yet. Not by a long shot. "After everything we went through after that sarcophagus, after everything we've been through..." He paced away, pulling a hand through his hair.
"I don't know what you want me to say." Daniel said softly.
Jack whirled around. "That. That right there. You don't even realize why that's the wrong thing to say."
"Maybe if you did more than just yell at me--"
"No, this isn't on me, Daniel. This isn't about what I want you to say or do, this isn't about patching things up and going back to pretending nothing's wrong. And if you can't see that, maybe I was wrong not reporting your sorry ass and getting you kicked off SG1."
Jack exhaled and tried to calm himself down. Screaming at Daniel was clearly not getting through to him. “I get that this started because you were hurting. Hell, I’ve been there, and with the life we’ve lived, with the things we’ve been through, it’s a wonder we aren’t all addicted, drugged out drunks.” He crossed to the couch and sat, elbows on his knees, hands scrubbing over his face. “Fuck Daniel, I get that. But we’ve got each other here.”
Daniel hadn’t moved, his eyes on the floor, his arms crossed. “No, Jack. You and Sam have each other. Teal’c and I...when was the last time you were even at my apartment?”
Jack looked up, frowning. Honestly, he couldn’t remember.
“We’re together at work, and when we’re off world...but when we get home….” Daniel turned away. “But you’re right. This isn’t on you. I’m gonna go.”
“No.” Jack stood, cutting him off half way to the door. “No. Not until we’re done.”
“Aren’t we?” Daniel asked, sounding defeated. “You don’t trust me. You think I’m weak and stupid and you want me off the team. I get it.” He tried to push past Jack, but Jack grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back.
“Is that what you got out of this?” Jack wanted to shake him, slap him, something to get past the dull look on his face. “Daniel, you’re my friend. I want you to talk to me. Trust me. I want to help you.”
“Do you?” Daniel asked, his voice small.
“I could get in so much trouble for not reporting you.” Jack crossed his arms. He needed Daniel to hear him. “So could Carter. We decided that you needed something other than getting kicked out on your ass.” He shook his head, unsure what else to say. “Okay, yeah, I’m pissed that you didn’t come to us sooner, that you didn’t think you could trust us with this, but I’m pissed at myself just as much. Clearly I haven’t been the friend you needed.”
Daniel blinked and looked at him then away. “I...can’t…” He exhaled slowly, then looked Jack in the eye. “I can’t go home. I can’t promise I won’t…”
Jack nodded. “We can take care of that.” He stepped closer, pulling Daniel into a hug. “Get comfortable. I’ve got a spare room. I’ll have Carter go by your place and bring you some clothes and stuff.”
“Um. Yeah. Okay.” Daniel paced away, then came back, holding out a piece of paper with his handwriting scribbled over it. “Have her look in these places.”
Jack took the paper and glanced over it. A list of hiding places where Daniel likely had pills stashed. He took out his phone and dialed Carter’s number while Daniel picked up his cup of coffee and sat tentatively on the couch. Once he had Carter and Teal’c on their way to Daniel’s, Jack turned his attention to settling Daniel in for the duration.
“Okay, there are clean sheets on the bed, clean towels in the bathroom.” He came to sit with Daniel on the couch. “What about you?”
“Me?” Daniel asked, frowning. “What about me?”
“What do you need?” Jack asked.
Daniel shook his head, caught completely unprepared for the question. “I have no idea.”
Jack smiled a little. “That’s a start, I guess. I’ve got us some time. We’re down until next week, when Carter is going to have a family emergency that will take her away for a while. Then Teal’c has a thing with his son. I figure we’ve got a month before we’re back to normal operations.”
Daniel frowned at him. “Jack, you don’t have to--”
“Yes, I do. We do. You’re a member of this team, Daniel...and you need the time. We’ll make the time.” He fiddled with his phone, like he was nervous. “I have a friend I can call. He runs a group.”
Daniel grimaced at the thought of it. “I thought about that, a month or so ago. But...how am I supposed to...I mean…” He stood up and paced away. His life wasn’t something he could share in some twelve step program. “I can’t really...talk about my life.”
“Yes, you can.” Jack stood. “Yeah, you’ll have to couch the truth a little, but the meat of what’s going on...the loss of your wife, the injuries, the stress of working for the military… you can talk through that.”
“I don’t know.” He closed his eyes, his stomach twisting around a need he couldn’t really name and the risk Jack had taken to get him to this point. He hadn’t slept since coming through the gate, not really. He’d dozed some, pretended a lot. The last thing he needed was Janet giving him something. “I don’t want to disappoint you, but I’m….afraid. I’m not strong enough. Even right now I’m thinking about just wanting to sleep...just make it all go away for a while.”
Jack crossed to where Daniel stood. “You’ll think about it a lot. That doesn’t mean you’re weak.”
“If I had something here…” He wouldn’t even have to think about it. He would take it and curl up and sleep until he felt better...or until he took something else.
Jack put a hand on his back. “You don’t. But I’m here.”
Daniel exhaled. He nodded a little, then rubbed his hands over his face. He knew he had to make this work. Jack wouldn’t be so forgiving a second time. “I can’t promise…”
“I know. I just need to know that you’ll try.” Jack said.
“Yeah, okay. I can do that.” Daniel agreed. He could try.
Title: tightrope
Characters: Jack, Daniel, Sam and Teal'c
Rating: Rish (for drug use)
Word Count: 5787
Summary: Stuck off world, Daniel's behavior changes and it becomes obvious he is not as okay as he keeps insisting he is. When Jack discovers the reason, it could mean the end of SG1.
A/Ns & Warnings: Warnings for prescription drug abuse and detox from prescription drugs. Addiction issues.
“We may have a problem, sir.” Carter said across the radio as Jack and Daniel started their trek back toward the gate after retrieving Daniel’s gear from the ruins where they’d abandoned it to run for cover as the heavens rained fire down on them.
“What kind of problem, Carter?” Jack asked.
The meteor shower had been brief, but intense and there was no way of knowing if or when another one was going to happen.
“It’s the gate, sir. It seems to have taken a direct hit.”
“We’re on our way.” Beside him, Daniel started to jog and Jack followed suit, heading through the trees and down toward the gate. They emerged side by side to the clearing where the gate had been to find that not only was the gate on it’s side, but partially buried by rocks and what looked like melted metal that had cooled.
“Oh, that’s not good.” Daniel said, stopping beside Teal’c.
“Carter?” Jack asked.
Sam looked up from her examination of the DHD. “Minor damage, sir. Easily fixed. It’s the gate.”
“So I see. What’s the damage?”
She sighed and came to join them. “Well, the naquada in the soil and the meteorites were melted by the heat, we’re going to need to unbury the gate, and break through the cooled metal to free up the ring so we can dial earth.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “With just the tools we brought with us.”
“Which amounts to...what, exactly?” Jack asked, not really wanting to know the answer.
“We have the camp shovel.” Carter offered. “Daniel’s archeology tools. I may be able to rig up some small, shaped charges to break up some of it. Upside is we’re already late for our check in, so General Hammond will be attempting to find out what happened to us.”
“Which would make me feel better if they actually had a way of getting to us.” Jack said. He looked up at the clear sky that only three hours before had been hurling burning rocks at them. “What about the meteorites? Can we expect more?”
Carter shrugged. “I don’t think so. The model predicted that this time of year it would be rare.”
“And yet…” Jack shook his head. “Okay, let’s establish a camp. Daniel, you and Carter inventory the gear, see what survived off the MALP. Teal’c work on getting us enough wood to get through the night. Sun’s only got an hour or two at most before it sets. It’s going to get cold.”
He dropped his pack and picked his way over the debris to the gate. At least the planet seemed unpopulated, and there had been no Goa’uld activity, so they were fairly safe in that regard. There were clear indications that there was animal life on the planet, but that just meant they wouldn’t starve if their rations ran out.
In less than an hour, Sam and Daniel had the government issued tent up just inside the trees and Teal’c had dragged a large tree trunk in for them to sit on. Jack used the dry leaves and twigs they’d cleared from under the tent to get a small fire going as the sun sank slowly behind a hazy horizon.
It was quiet around them as he fed the fire bigger chunks of wood and Carter brought out the MREs. “Might as well get comfortable. No telling how long we’ll be here.”
Teal’c returned from the stream with the four canteens, setting them on the ground near the log. “There appear to be fish in the water, O’Neill.”
“Good. things are looking up already.”
“You don’t look so good.” Sam said as Daniel took his place beside her by the fire.
“Can’t sleep.” Daniel grumbled, nodding thanks as she handed him a cup of hot tea.
“You’d think it’d be easy after all that heavy lifting today.” Sam said with a smile, rubbing at her arms.
Daniel couldn’t deny that he was achy and tired, that wasn’t the problem. “Can’t seem to make my brain stop.” Of course, normally he had ways of getting his brain to stop, but that wasn’t something he could tell Sam. His hand touched the pocket that hid his secret, making sure they were still there. He’d counted them out, now that it was clear this was going to take more than just a day or two.
They were on day four, and they’d only cleared about twelve inches of the gate from the naquada and other metals that had melted and then hardened. There wasn’t even a guarantee the gate would work when they were done. And he had left home with enough pills to last him a week, just in case. He’d been careful, cutting back when it was clear after the first day that they were pretty stuck.
The problem was, he was already starting to feel the effects of cutting back. Which...probably should terrify him for reasons other than the fact that he was going to run out before they got home. It was going to get bad if they didn’t get back before the pills ran out.
He sipped at the tea and glanced aside at Sam. He’d hidden it for a long time, and he was pretty sure no one suspected. It wasn’t like he was a junky. Everything he was taking was something he needed. Prescribed even, at one time or another.
Daniel shifted, uncomfortable with his own train of thought.
“You okay?” Sam asked. He could feel her looking at him.
“I’ve been restless.” He shook his head and drank from the tin cup. “You know how it goes.”
“You still having the dreams?”
He shrugged. “Some. When I sleep.”
“Maybe you should see if Janet can help.”
“Maybe I will.” He put the cup down and stood, stretching. “I’m going to walk.”
“Don’t go far in the dark.”
“I won’t.” Daniel assured, stepping away from the small fire. His skin felt tight and dry and his stomach was starting to flip disconcertingly. The night was cold now that he was away from the fire. The wind was biting and Daniel shoved his hands in his pockets, his fingers naturally curling around the bag of pills in his pocket.
He’d tried to quit before. In fact that’s how he ended up taking the sleeping pills. When he’d stopped taking the pain pills the first time, he’d had trouble sleeping, and when he did sleep, he had nightmares. When he’d been four days without sleeping, he’d ended up in the infirmary again and Janet had given him the sleeping pills.
It was supposed to be a temporary thing...and when Janet stopped prescribing them, Daniel had found other means. It wasn’t long before he’d found himself needing something else to help him function after taking the pills to sleep.
He stumbled and caught himself on a tree. His face was hot, and he was sweating. What little he’d eaten came roaring back up with a vengeance and he bent over, holding the tree as he retched into the dirt. When it passed he turned to press his back into the trunk, pulling the bag of pills out of his pocket. He had three sleeping pills left. If he took them now...He shoved the bag back in his pocket and headed back for the camp. Sam looked up, smiling a little.
“Why don’t you go get some sleep.” Daniel said. “One of us should. I’ll take watch.”
“You sure?” Sam asked, though she was already standing up.
He nodded. “Yeah. Go on. I got this.”
He stumbled as he tossed the rock, catching himself on the edge of the gate, his vision swimming. Sam reached out, her hand on the skin of his arm like fire. He pulled his arm away and dug his bandana out of his pocket.
“Daniel, are you--”
"I'm fine," Daniel snapped, turning away to wipe his face on the bandana.
"You're burning up." Sam said softly, frowning at him and taking a step closer. "Maybe you should take a break."
She wasn’t wrong. He was feverish and it wasn’t going away. He licked his lips as he felt Jack and Teal’c looking at them. "I'll go get some water."
Daniel grabbed the canteens and headed for the stream, pausing when he got there to fish the small bag from his pocket. He was down to just a few pills. He'd been rationing them, but they were still a long way from getting home and no rationing was going to be enough. It was getting harder to hide.
In fact, he was pretty sure Sam was starting to realize something was wrong.
He’d gone more than twenty four hours without taking anything. He wiped his face again. It had been at least that long since he’d eaten anything and sleeping was something he pretended to do to keep the others from worrying. His body ached and he couldn’t focus, his uncharacteristic irritability was getting on Jack’s nerves and he couldn’t work for more than a few minutes before he was fumbling and dropping things or tripping over nothing.
He licked his lips and tossed one of the pills back, chasing it with the dregs of one of the canteens. At least he'd be able to work the afternoon. He didn’t want to think about what that would mean, about how few were left. They needed to get the gate cleared.
He filled the canteens and waited for the feeling of the stimulant to start working through him. It had been days since he'd taken one and the build up was going to be slower than usual.
"Daniel!" He could hear Jack yelling for him and gathered up the canteens, determined to get through the afternoon's digging without pissing Jack off further.
"Sir?"
Jack looked up from the coals of the fire to see Carter coming from the tent. "Coffee's still hot."
She shook her head and sat beside him on the log they were using as a bench. It was obvious that she was worried. "Can we talk?"
Jack inhaled and let it out slowly. They were all feeling it. The work to free the gate had been difficult and it was taking longer than they anticipated. "Soon, Carter. We're making progress."
"No, it isn't that." She bit her lip and stared at the coals for a minute. "It's Daniel."
Daniel. He'd been difficult the last few days, but Jack couldn't really blame him. They were all feeling a little trapped since the meteor shower that had taken out the gate and buried it under rock and melted naquada. Daniel wasn’t the most physical of them in the first place and the heat of the planet’s afternoons had been taking a toll on him. “He actually sleeping tonight?”
She shrugged. That hadn’t escaped his notice either, the fact that most nights Daniel pretended to sleep, but was always the one who got up and relieved whoever was on watch.
"I think..." She hesitated, glancing over her shoulder at the tent. "He's not well."
"He's stressed." Jack agreed. "We all are." He squinted at her, knowing she had more or she wouldn’t have come to him.
She shook her head. "No, sir, I think it's more than that. He's sick. I think he's going to get even sicker." She licked her lips and turned toward him. "I think he's been...taking something...I don't know what. But stuck here like this..." She hesitated again, shifting uncomfortably. “I saw him tonight, after dinner. He said it was just an aspirin for his headache, but I checked the first aid kit. It hasn’t been touched.”
He followed her train of thought, considered the way Daniel had been behaving the last few days. "Are you saying this is some kind of withdrawal?" She wasn’t wrong. It would explain a lot.
Again, she shrugged. “I’m not sure. But the changes in his behavior make sense if... He’s been strung tight and yesterday I found him vomiting in the woods. Today he could barely move. And yesterday, after he went for water, he was jumpy and nearly manic.”
Jack turned to look at the tent. “Is he sleeping?”
“Actually, that’s why I came to you. I think what he took tonight was something to make him sleep because he was out while Teal’c was still talking to him.”
Jack stood and stormed into the tent, past Teal’c who was doing his meditating thing to the corner Daniel had claimed for himself. He was, in fact, asleep, even snoring lightly, his arms curled tightly around himself. Jack grabbed Daniel’s pack and left him sleeping. It was too dark to go through it thoroughly, but Jack wanted it where he could empty it’s contents as soon as there was enough light. “Get some sleep Carter. I’ve got a feeling tomorrow is going to be a tough day.”
Teal’c relieved him near the middle of the night, but Jack was too worked up to sleep by that point. He’d spent the hours since he’d sent Carter back to bed thinking about Daniel and trying to figure how long this had been going on.
He knew for certain that Daniel was clean when they’d had their last full physicals, which had been just before Sha’re’s death. But that had been nearly a year, and in that space, Daniel had been injured and depressed and grieving. It was too hard to put a finger on. Jack paced, then wandered away to relieve himself.
They were going to have to confront Daniel, that much was clear. They needed to find out what he was taking and how long he’d been on it. Jack had been through this with guys before. It wasn’t hard to figure out the how and why it happened, but Jack was sure Daniel should know better.
Daniel was smarter than this.
By the time the sun was coming up and Daniel made his appearance, Jack was fuming. One look at Daniel only solidified his anger. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen it before now. Daniel was lethargic, even though he’d just slept for ten hours, uncoordinated and clumsy. His eyes were bloodshot and heavy as he made his way to the log. “Is there coffee?” Daniel mumbled,eyes barely open.
“We’re out.” Jack responded, crossing his arms and waiting for Daniel to look up at him. When he didn’t, Jack sighed. “What’s wrong with you?”
Daniel rubbed his eyes. “Just need caffeine.”
“Oh, I think you’re probably jonesing for something a little stronger than that by now.” Jack countered.
There, that got him to look up.
“What?” Daniel rubbed his hands over his face.
“You heard me. I think it’s time you told me what kind of drugs you’re taking.”
“Drugs? Have you lost your mind?” Daniel stood, hands rubbing down his legs. Jack watched Daniel’s hands check each pocket before he shook his head. “I don’t take drugs. Jack, you know me better than that.”
“Do I?” Jack took a step closer. Carter emerged from the tent, scowling as she stood behind Daniel. “Oh, I’m not saying it’s cocaine or anything like that Daniel. Probably something easier to get your hands on. Prescription pills. Tell me, have you started stealing from the infirmary yet?”
“I don’t have to listen to this.” Daniel’s face twisted up in anger and he looked around them for a path out of there. “You don’t know anything.”
“Look at you. You can barely stand up. I’m guessing it’s the uppers you ran out of first, right?”
“Fuck you.” Daniel growled and he pushed past Jack.
"Damnit Daniel!" Jack yelled, grabbing Daniel's arm to keep him from storming off. Daniel's face was filled with fury and he punched Jack in the face before pulling free.
"Leave me alone." Daniel growled, taking a step away before Teal'c intercepted him.
"Colonel O'Neill is correct, Daniel Jackson. You are not well."
"I'm fine." Daniel insisted, though the adrenaline was fading and the fury was draining from his face, replaced with a look that told Jack that the stubborn fool wasn't far from completely passing out. When he turned to take another swing at Jack, Jack punched him first, sending him back into Teal’c, out cold.
"Teal'c, get him inside the tent, check his pockets. Carter, go through his pack."
"Sir!"
"Do it Carter. We need to know what he's been taking." Jack exhaled slowly. They needed to know how bad this was going to get before it got better, not that there was anything they could do to make it better, aside from getting him home...and that itself was a whole different world of trouble.
Daniel was aware of the fact that his entire body was on fire and everything hurt before he could even remember where he was or why. Jack had punched him. He could feel the eyes of whichever one of his team was watching him, but he kept his eyes closed. He wasn’t ready to face them.
Okay, so Jack figured it out. No, it was probably Sam, but Sam wouldn’t confront him, not with Jack there to do it for her. They were going to find out eventually. At least now he could stop hiding it. He rolled onto his back, his hand sliding to the pocket that had held his stash.
“It’s gone.” Sam said. “Colonel O’Neill threw what was left into the fire.”
“What?” Daniel sat up, regretting it as his head reeled and the rest of his body echoed some chorus of pain he wasn’t appreciating.
“Can you blame him?”
He looked at her, sitting in the doorway to the tent, knees to her chest.
“Where is he?” Daniel asked.
“He and Teal’c are working on the gate.”
“Why aren’t you?”
She shook her head. “Because someone has to keep an eye on you. I got the short stick.”
“I’m fine. You should go help.” Daniel insisted, laying back down slowly.
“Nice try, but I’m not going anywhere.”
“I don’t need a babysitter, Sam.” Daniel said with a sigh.
“Apparently you do.” Sam countered. “Are you thirsty? Probably shouldn’t give you food at this point, you’ll be vomiting enough very soon. But we need to keep you hydrated. The fever’s going to burn off a lot of fluid, and then we’ll hit the vomiting stage and it will be harder to keep water in.”
“I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. And it’s going to be a while before you are fine again, so drink the damn water, Daniel.” She thrust a canteen at him and he took it, frowning at her. He hadn’t realized how angry she was. Angry at him. Because she was stuck sitting here making sure he wasn’t dying instead of being out there helping. He leaned up on one elbow and sipped at the water, not looking at her.
If she was angry, Jack was probably even angrier. Jack relied on him, and he’d fucked up. He capped the canteen and laid back down. He wasn’t going to be sleeping any time soon, but he didn’t have the strength to do much else.
“I don’t think he’s got anything left to throw up.” Sam said softly somewhere nearby.
Daniel could hear Jack moving around, but he couldn’t even open his eyes. At some point they had stripped him down, washing him in the cool water of the creek in an effort to get his fever down and clean him up from the mess he’d made. He’d be blushing if he had the energy to waste.
His insides felt hollow, like he’d carved them out with a knife.
“Good.” Jack was closer than Sam, sitting near him. He sounded tired. “Teal’c’s bringing up some fresh water. I’ll sit with him a while.”
“I’ll cook the fish you brought up.”
Daniel wanted to open his eyes, wanted to see if Jack was still angry, but he couldn’t do a lot more than shiver.
“I swear to God, Daniel, you had better pull through this.”
Daniel groaned, almost wishing he could throw up, could say something. He could feel Jack’s judgment sitting on his chest, making it harder to breathe, making the pain more intense...and then all he wished was that the darkness would take him under.
“Jack?” Daniel’s voice was soft, barely audible over the sounds of his shivering. Jack rubbed the damp cloth over the clammy skin of his face. “Jack, I’m sorry. Jack...I’m sorry.”
“Shh. Save your strength Daniel.” Jack responded, glancing at the other side of the tent where Carter was sleeping.
“Need….just a little, Jack…”
“You need to get this crap out of your system.” Jack countered. “Even if I had something to give you I wouldn’t.”
Daniel’s eyes opened, accusing and dark. “First aid.”
Jack shook his head. “No.”
“It hurts, Jack. It hurts so much.” Daniel’s hands trembled as the reached for his, grabbing it and pulling it in. “Just….just a taste, just a little...I don’t want to die.”
“You’re not going to die.” Jack said, looking away. Truth was, he wasn’t sure this wouldn’t kill Daniel. Cut off from help like they were with only basic medical care on hand and no real idea what all Daniel had been taking. Carter had found evidence of at least two kinds of pain medications and some sort of stimulant. And they were pretty sure there had been a sleeping pill of some kind.
Jack put the cloth back in the water, wrung it out and went back to wiping Daniel’s face. They had no way of knowing what else he’d been taking because Daniel had fallen fast and thus far hadn’t been able to answer the question. “You’re not going to die.” Jack repeated to him softly. “Because if you die, I won’t be able to kick your stupid ass all the way back to Earth.”
They were close to getting the last of the gate free, then it was just a matter of getting it working. Two days, three tops.
Two or three days and then Jack was going to have to make a hard decision. Of course, if Daniel didn’t start getting better soon there wouldn’t be any decision. Jack would have no choice but to report exactly what happened. Daniel would get the help he needed, but he’d likely find himself grounded, off of SG-1 and stuck at a desk, if he didn’t lose his job all together.
And, as much as Jack wanted to slap Daniel over this, he didn’t want him to lose his job. He wanted to understand, wanted Daniel to know Jack had his back. Things weren’t always good between them, and they had been strained sometimes...but Jack considered Daniel his friend. And friends helped one another through stuff like this.
“You are strong, Daniel Jackson.” Teal’c said quietly, his arm firm around Daniel’s shoulders, holding him up. “You are a warrior.”
“I don’t feel strong.” Daniel mumbled, watching Sam dial the gate.
“I have seen many warriors succomb to the demons of Dakso’ra. You have not.”
“I’m not...it isn’t Dakso’ra, Teal’c.” Daniel argued, though at this point he’d be hapy to blame some Jaffa disease rather than face the truth. “It isn’t a disease.”
Teal’c only responded by raising an eyebrow, then they were moving through the gate to drawn weapons and General Hammond who couldn’t seem to decide whether he was concerned or angry. This was it. Daniel’s life was just about to be over.
“Colonel?”
“Meteor shower, sir. Took the gate out. Took us this long to dig it out.”
“What’s wrong with Dr. Jackson?”
Daniel could feel Jack’s eyes, but didn’t look up. “Some sort of bug, sir.” Jack said. “Fever, vomiting. He’s been down a few days. Fever broke though.”
Daniel didn’t dare look up now, his face burning as the medical team came to take him from Teal’c, helping him onto a gurney. He wasn’t sure why Jack lied, but in a few minutes he didn’t have time to think about it as Janet was there, asking questions and flashing her light in his eyes and then he was under the bright lights of the infirmary and for the next hour he was poked and prodded and asked questions. The rest of the team showed up for their regular once over.
“He’s dehydrated, but he seems to be on the road to recovery. I’m going to keep him overnight, get some fluid into him, but he should be okay to go home after that.” Janet said as Jack joined her at the end of Daniel’s bed.
Jack actually looked concerned as he patted Daniel’s leg. “I’m taking us off rotation for a while. We need some down time.”
“Probably not a bad idea.” Janet agreed. “You’re all exhausted.” She excused herself, leaving Daniel alone with Jack.
Jack watched her leave, then moved closer, his fingers fiddling with the IV feeding fluids into Daniel’s arm. “When you are released, we’ll talk.”
“Jack, I--”
Jack held up his hand. “Not yet. I’m still furious with you. Get some rest, get your strength back.”
Daniel closed his eyes and nodded. “Yeah, okay.” He didn’t see Jack leave. It was better that way.
Jack hung up the phone and reached for his coat. Carter said that Frasier had put Daniel in a cab to go home. He wanted to be there. Now that Daniel was clean and more or less back on his feet, he needed to understand that he needed to stay that way, that Jack was going to be there to help him.
He opened the door, and stopped as Daniel came up his walk. “Daniel?”
He looked up, surprised to see Jack standing there apparently. “I...you wanted…” He shook his head. “I should have called.”
“No, I was just coming to see you.” Jack offered. “Come on in. I’ve got coffee on.”
Daniel ducked past him, hands in his jacket pocket. He’d lost weight, which wasn’t surprising, and he was still pale, but Frasier wouldn’t have let him out of the infirmary if he wasn’t healthy enough. Jack closed the door and pulled his jacket off, tossing it on the couch as he headed into the kitchen to pour coffee.
He came back, handing a cup across to Daniel who stared at it for a long minute. “Jack, I...I’m not sure where to start here.”
“How about you tell me what you were thinking?” Jack said, his voice a little colder than he meant it to be.
Daniel put the coffee down on the end table and turned away. “I don’t know. After Sha’re I just…” He shook his head. “It hurt and nothing made it better.”
“So you decided to take pills?”
“No.” Daniel shook his head. “No. I didn’t decide. I sprained the ankle, remember? Janet gave me...and it was the first time I felt…” He rubbed a hand over his face. “I didn’t want to go back to hurting.”
Jack nodded. He’d actually suspected something like that. It hadn’t been a good year for Daniel.
“I don’t think I ever...I didn’t think about it really. It just happened.” Daniel pinched the bridge of his nose.
Jack sighed. Daniel was copping to the problem, but still wasn’t admitting responsibility. Maybe he wasn’t ready yet. Maybe Jack didn’t do him any favors not telling the truth. “Daniel.” He stepped closer, putting a hand on Daniel’s back. “You know I can’t let you back on active duty until I know you’re good.”
Daniel nodded. “No, I know. I appreciate what you did….everything you did.”
“Do you?” Jack asked, making Daniel look up sharply. “You didn’t get clean by choice. I realize that. You were forced to it. If you’re not ready--”
“No.” Daniel shook his head, stepping away. “No. I’m good, Jack. I swear. You can trust me.”
“Can I?” Jack’s anger was starting to rise up again. Daniel was telling him what he thought Jack wanted to hear. Anything to keep going, keep his job, go back to normal. "How am I supposed to trust you? How do I know you're even going to try to stay clean?" Jack’s voice raised and Daniel's face paled, but Jack wasn't done, not yet. Not by a long shot. "After everything we went through after that sarcophagus, after everything we've been through..." He paced away, pulling a hand through his hair.
"I don't know what you want me to say." Daniel said softly.
Jack whirled around. "That. That right there. You don't even realize why that's the wrong thing to say."
"Maybe if you did more than just yell at me--"
"No, this isn't on me, Daniel. This isn't about what I want you to say or do, this isn't about patching things up and going back to pretending nothing's wrong. And if you can't see that, maybe I was wrong not reporting your sorry ass and getting you kicked off SG1."
Jack exhaled and tried to calm himself down. Screaming at Daniel was clearly not getting through to him. “I get that this started because you were hurting. Hell, I’ve been there, and with the life we’ve lived, with the things we’ve been through, it’s a wonder we aren’t all addicted, drugged out drunks.” He crossed to the couch and sat, elbows on his knees, hands scrubbing over his face. “Fuck Daniel, I get that. But we’ve got each other here.”
Daniel hadn’t moved, his eyes on the floor, his arms crossed. “No, Jack. You and Sam have each other. Teal’c and I...when was the last time you were even at my apartment?”
Jack looked up, frowning. Honestly, he couldn’t remember.
“We’re together at work, and when we’re off world...but when we get home….” Daniel turned away. “But you’re right. This isn’t on you. I’m gonna go.”
“No.” Jack stood, cutting him off half way to the door. “No. Not until we’re done.”
“Aren’t we?” Daniel asked, sounding defeated. “You don’t trust me. You think I’m weak and stupid and you want me off the team. I get it.” He tried to push past Jack, but Jack grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back.
“Is that what you got out of this?” Jack wanted to shake him, slap him, something to get past the dull look on his face. “Daniel, you’re my friend. I want you to talk to me. Trust me. I want to help you.”
“Do you?” Daniel asked, his voice small.
“I could get in so much trouble for not reporting you.” Jack crossed his arms. He needed Daniel to hear him. “So could Carter. We decided that you needed something other than getting kicked out on your ass.” He shook his head, unsure what else to say. “Okay, yeah, I’m pissed that you didn’t come to us sooner, that you didn’t think you could trust us with this, but I’m pissed at myself just as much. Clearly I haven’t been the friend you needed.”
Daniel blinked and looked at him then away. “I...can’t…” He exhaled slowly, then looked Jack in the eye. “I can’t go home. I can’t promise I won’t…”
Jack nodded. “We can take care of that.” He stepped closer, pulling Daniel into a hug. “Get comfortable. I’ve got a spare room. I’ll have Carter go by your place and bring you some clothes and stuff.”
“Um. Yeah. Okay.” Daniel paced away, then came back, holding out a piece of paper with his handwriting scribbled over it. “Have her look in these places.”
Jack took the paper and glanced over it. A list of hiding places where Daniel likely had pills stashed. He took out his phone and dialed Carter’s number while Daniel picked up his cup of coffee and sat tentatively on the couch. Once he had Carter and Teal’c on their way to Daniel’s, Jack turned his attention to settling Daniel in for the duration.
“Okay, there are clean sheets on the bed, clean towels in the bathroom.” He came to sit with Daniel on the couch. “What about you?”
“Me?” Daniel asked, frowning. “What about me?”
“What do you need?” Jack asked.
Daniel shook his head, caught completely unprepared for the question. “I have no idea.”
Jack smiled a little. “That’s a start, I guess. I’ve got us some time. We’re down until next week, when Carter is going to have a family emergency that will take her away for a while. Then Teal’c has a thing with his son. I figure we’ve got a month before we’re back to normal operations.”
Daniel frowned at him. “Jack, you don’t have to--”
“Yes, I do. We do. You’re a member of this team, Daniel...and you need the time. We’ll make the time.” He fiddled with his phone, like he was nervous. “I have a friend I can call. He runs a group.”
Daniel grimaced at the thought of it. “I thought about that, a month or so ago. But...how am I supposed to...I mean…” He stood up and paced away. His life wasn’t something he could share in some twelve step program. “I can’t really...talk about my life.”
“Yes, you can.” Jack stood. “Yeah, you’ll have to couch the truth a little, but the meat of what’s going on...the loss of your wife, the injuries, the stress of working for the military… you can talk through that.”
“I don’t know.” He closed his eyes, his stomach twisting around a need he couldn’t really name and the risk Jack had taken to get him to this point. He hadn’t slept since coming through the gate, not really. He’d dozed some, pretended a lot. The last thing he needed was Janet giving him something. “I don’t want to disappoint you, but I’m….afraid. I’m not strong enough. Even right now I’m thinking about just wanting to sleep...just make it all go away for a while.”
Jack crossed to where Daniel stood. “You’ll think about it a lot. That doesn’t mean you’re weak.”
“If I had something here…” He wouldn’t even have to think about it. He would take it and curl up and sleep until he felt better...or until he took something else.
Jack put a hand on his back. “You don’t. But I’m here.”
Daniel exhaled. He nodded a little, then rubbed his hands over his face. He knew he had to make this work. Jack wouldn’t be so forgiving a second time. “I can’t promise…”
“I know. I just need to know that you’ll try.” Jack said.
“Yeah, okay. I can do that.” Daniel agreed. He could try.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-04-15 07:19 am (UTC)